is precious. I asked her to guest post and share this post that she recently posted on her own blog. It correlates with how I feel about open hands. Fears in motherhood.
So many people will relate with this post. go follow her blog, shes awesome.
( oh and if you miss me today and want to hear my story as an artist, head over here)
Yesterday, when I picked up Jude from daycare I was informed that the provider would no longer be able to care for Jude. Long story short, she felt that Jude was unhappy there because she wasn't able to give him the kind of love that Jude needed.
I put on a strong face and mumbled some BS about understanding yada yada yada, but inside, my heart was breaking.
I wish her reasoning could have been that she just simply didn't have enough room anymore. Or maybe that her back couldn't handle taking care of him. Or even that the other kids didn't mesh well with him. Just anything other than the fact that she was unable to love on him the way he needed.
Hello heavy heart.
Hello feelings of guilt being validated.
Hello one more thing to worry about.
You may think I'm being dramatic, but this is my place to put to words my own feelings. Maybe you wouldn't have taken this news as tough as I did (kudos to you), but it breathed life into a reoccurring fear of mine. Fear of what would happen in Jude's life if something ever happened to Alex and me.
Of late, I must confess that I have been living fearfully. It's just that sometimes, when I look at Jude, my love for him is so overwhelming that it hurts. It catches my breath. I can physically feel the strength of it in the pit of my stomach. At times like these, I become flushed with fear.
Should something happen to me, will there be someone that loves Jude this much?
Will there be someone to love Jude the way he needs to be loved?
Will there be someone to learn that Jude likes to be soothed by putting a cheek to his cheek and caressing his hair?
Will there be someone to learn the noises that evoke his sweet little giggles?
How about the way in which he loves to be held in the middle of the night? Will there be someone who would sacrifice their sleep to comfort him?
And when he's not so cute. Will there be someone to love him just as much when he screams? To love him through and through while he's being frustrating? To rather be with him while he is screaming than not be with him at all?
Please tell me that someone will give Jude the kind of love he needs.
As scared as it makes me, I must take comfort in these words:
The Lord your God is with you.
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you.
He will quiet you with His love.
He will rejoice over you with singing.
I have loved you with an everlasting love.
I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.
As deep as my love is for Jude, how much deeper is the Lord's love for His child? Should I leave this earth, my Jude will be loved by His Creator. He is loved so passionately now. He will continue to be loved with great fervor whether or not I am here.
Why is it so hard for me to find peace in these words? I turn to them daily, yet falter in truly trusting their message.
I am so human. I fail, yet I constantly get back up and try again. Lord, please continue to work on my heart. I want so badly to live fearlessly.
- Alyss Charles