tired?

June 20, 2011

This blog post was inspired by a number of emails I have received! So here goes!

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Around 4:30/ 5:30 am Ainsleigh wakes up. I head into her room, pull her out of bed. She eats, there are days that she is up for the day at this point and other times that she wants to go back down. 

Ainsleigh's morning nap regardless if she goes back down or not is always at 9:30.

Then somewhere between 8:30-10:00 Aiden rolls out of bed. He is my night owl so he has no trouble sleeping in like a mini teenager. He wakes up....walks into the kitchen and I fix him breakfast. He loves waffles, biscuits and cereal so depending on what we have I let him choose! Sometimes he wants to eat at the kitchen table, sometimes in the living room at his picnic table and sometimes out on the back porch!

Around 10:30-11 Ainsleigh wakes up from her morning nap and this is the time when we can go! We eat a quick lunch and then we head to the park or the pool, errands.. a playdate....whatever is planned for the day!


(If we are grocery shopping or running errands, I always wear Aiden on my back and carry Ainsleigh...keeping him "strapped in" is the only way running errands works with our little guy!)

Around 1:00 is Aiden's nap so we will start heading home around this time. Aiden always falls asleep in the car and I have become a master at moving him! So I will get him inside (asleep) in a bed and he sleeps for about 2 hours. (sometimes 3)

Just when Aiden is waking up around 4 is when Ainsleigh is ready for nap number 2. So I am usually putting Ainsleigh down in the midst of Aiden being a teensy bit grumpy from just waking up. To juggle this I usually make him a meal to eat and turn on a movie for that 15 minutes...get her down. Then come back and he will be finishing his food. Honestly I try to play outside while she is asleep so that we don't wake her up but sometimes we will stay in and play. We play in the sprinklers, pretend wash the cars, do sidewalk chalk or color.

Then she usually wakes up around 5:30/6. We make dinner (dinner is hard for me....I make like the same 5 meals it seems)...but make and eat dinner nonetheless! 

After dinner we usually will go on a walk, play outside, get out of the house...anything together as a family. 

Around 8 we start baths. (Actually a lot of nights it is 9:00. I have the hardest time getting this whole process going earlier! )Aiden gets one everyday, Ainsleigh more like every other day. This time of night is always a little chaotic. Usually Ains is getting a little fussy because she goes to bed around this time. It is easier when I get her down then start Aiden's bath but it just seems to go differently every night. 

Aiden is a major night.owl...he actually gets happier and in a better mood as it gets later. So we embrace our little night owl and are lucky if we have him asleep by 10:00. Some nights we pull it off by 9:30 and some nights he is up till 11:00.

It is important to me that I have time with Chris. So we try and watch a movie or stay up and talk....honestly most nights I go to sleep at midnight. It's a little wild. Ainsleigh wakes up for one feeding usually around midnight and Aiden still gets up at 3:00 am for milk..... and then I start over at 4:30/5:00 am all over again.


A lot of people ask when I paint or blog. WELL....I try and write a number of blog posts at once for the week and schedule them. Sometimes it is the middle of the night though! No kidding! 
 (and Emails and voicemails are incredibly behind. ) 


 Painting is easier to get done because Aiden can paint with me!!! We love creating together!


* So here is the deal.
 I AM tired. 
I don't have any breaks. 
Most mornings I have huge bags under my eyes. 
I usually am plowing through dr.peppers to keep up
Many many days I will get in bed and think "did I eat any meals today?"


I think the difference is in your perspective. 
There a couple things that play into mine.

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1. I read this quote on a blog once "Baby, you spent 130 days in the NICU, and I will spend the rest of my life making up for lost time. People often ask me if I have someone at home to help out with my babies. I should tell them to take a trip for 130 days away from their children and then see if they want any more time away from them. Time away from you is something that I can’t do, I want to be with you every moment of every day."

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Something changed in me when both our babies started out as NICU babies (rough starts). Having your baby instantly taken from you...never holding them, never having them in your room with you, never taking them home when you are discharged from the hospital, always asking permission to see them, touch them. In a way you feel robbed of moments. Moments for so long I was trying to claim back. Something DOES change in you. Even though Aiden and Ainsleigh's stays were not as long as 130 days....my heart was still extremely hurt. I can remember when Aiden was still at the hospital and I was home getting up in the night and rocking in the rocking chair in tears. Alone. No baby. (Now I know people have LOST their babies and the pain they experience is nothing compared to this)...but it was just an emptiness. I remember promising myself to cherish the nights...because I never would REALLY know how many I would have with them.

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2. Watching other's lose their littles. I have watched friends lose children to SIDS. I have watched friends lose their children to miscarriage. I have watched friends lose their littles to cancer. And I have watched friends who desperately want a baby struggle through infertility. When you watch these things, your heart is changed. At 3:00 am when I am getting Aiden milk or putting Ainsleigh back to sleep I often think of those who wish they had their littles back. This will be such a short time and I want to embrace it. I want to choose to embrace the exhaustion. It will be gone in a blink...and one day I imagine I will be looking at my big 18 year old Aiden and will give anything to be rocking and snuggling him in the wee hours of the night.

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"God is just making the joys of parenthood sweeter for you by introducing you to the heartache early. Each anxiety we experience produces a greater appreciation for the wonderment that precious children bring into our lives."

83 comments:

  1. oh i LOOOOVE this post. def brought tears my friend. but Im with you. I know God has asked me the same thing...to embrace my exhaustion. Others have thought thats crazy...but I dont care. I want all the time I can get with my baby girl, even if its in the middle of the night. love you friend!!

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  2. Sums it up perfectly! Thanks for sharing your story!

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  3. I love your heart. I love you. I love your babies.

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  4. I love this, friend. I hope that I will be this kind of mommy when it happens for me. One who doesn't get frustrated or annoyed or wish she had more time for herself. I want to be able to pour myself into my little ones and be a blessing in their lives. You are such a beautiful person and mother! I'm so blessed to have you in my life!

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  5. After reading this I must go snuggle my kids! Even after they fight and drive me nuts all day I can't imagine being away from them. :)

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  6. I'm right there with ya sister!! I also work 12 hour nights shifts and I don't get to sleep on the nights I work so I'm up for 28 hours at a time and then I get about a 4 hour nap. Being mom means being super woman.

    xoxoox Hanna

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  7. This post is so real and kind and loving! What an amazing mom you are. I hope to be a dedicated mom like you one day!

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  8. i love this post, & i feel the same way about mine. they are only little once, & we never know God's plan. i will take every minute w/ my baby that i can.

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  9. I love this post and it brought me to tears. It made me really think about my future as a mommy. You really inspire me!

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  10. Thank you SO much for sharing your heart, Casey.

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  11. Beautiful. I love to read about loving your littles! How precious they are in your eyes but how much more precious they are to our loving Father. My nephew was born with HLHS a few years ago. He spent his 8 months in the PCICU before God took him home. When we see the fragility of life, we are reminded how special every moment with the ones we love is. Thank-you for cherishing your littles! Read my nephew's story: thewilsonheart.com
    Thanks for sharing your beautiful chaos!

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  12. Loved this! Every night, before I got to sleep, I go back in my babies rooms. I just breathe them in. I will pull their blankets up and give them sweet kisses. I whisper prayers over them. It is my favorite thing to look at their sweet sleeping faces. It makes the whole crazy day melt away until it starts again :)

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  13. Love this post. Thanks for sharing your story. Coming from a mommy that has lost a baby, I know exactly how you feel.

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  14. just beautiful. truly...

    As a mom who has daughters all grown up, I know how fast the time goes...you are right to cherish it, for in a blink, whoosh and they will be all grown up!
    I wrote a post back in Feb. that reminded me of this a bit...if you have time, I think you will understand where I am coming from!
    http://melody-mae.blogspot.com/2011/02/time-in-bottle.html

    I love your perspective and the way you cherish your littles...oh how sweet it is.

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  15. Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. It gives me faith in mothers that I seem to have lost in my little neck of the woods.

    We moved out of Dallas (and I left a job I loved) to move to Suburbia to raise our kids. Being a stay-at-home mom is the most important thing to me, no matter the sacrifice.

    Now that our kids are older (read: "older than preschool"), it seems like all my peers are going back to work. And not because they have to, but because they want things like new cars and new kitchens and pools and multiple vacations a year. Missing class plays and lunches at school and paying for after-school care are viable trade-offs for them. Not for me.

    So it seems that I no longer have much in common with the people I once embraced as like-minded to raise my kids with. Mainly because now, they are never around.

    Reading other people's blogs is so encouraging to me because I have discovered that there are so many people who still value the things I do, even if they aren't my neighbor.

    Thank you, Casey, for sharing your heart though your blog. You are a beautiful example of God's love and Jesus' example in this crazy world we live in.

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  16. My little guy started out the same way, in the NICU. Those are the hardest days of a NICU momma's life. Thankfully, like you I got to take my baby home and I cherish every minute with him. Lately he's been having a hard time falling asleep at night and I savor all that time I get to rock him to sleep :)

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  17. AWESOME AWESOME post Casey. We started in the NICU too. Needless to say... I am one very attached momma! :)

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  18. I am new to your blog. Came from The Shine Project. I have been reading & have never commented yet.
    I love all that you write. Your diversity has me coming back.Each day there is something new for you to talk about.
    More particularly I love that you keep it real, so to speak, about life:)

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  19. ypur day is almost *exactly* the same sched that we have over here...except my bubba gets up at 630 most days! love your perspective too. I totally agree...these times are fleeting and they are precious- no matter how tired or weary we are!! ps- we also are now both unemployed and totally trusting the Lord to provide! I relate to you on so many levels girl! praying for you and your sweet family!

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  20. Somehow you know exactly what to say. Your perspective is amazing. Your love for your children is amazing.

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  21. I think you are a wonderful mommy. Every moment with a child should be cherished.

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  22. This is beautiful Casey. ALL we do for our babies is SO WORTH IT :) I give you props though girl, YOU ARE BUSY:)

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  23. What an awesome post - makes me want to wake up my girls and love on them! Thanks for sharing, friend!!

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  24. Your posts always encourage me to cherish being a stay at home momma and to put everything into perspective. Love getting a peak into your day, with a three year old and 15 month old mine is quite similar!:)

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  25. you're a baller. God bless you and your sweet heart and your sweet family and your sweet life that is such an example to everyone who reads this blog...and i'm positive anyone who comes into contact with you in real life.

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  26. Thank you for that perspective. I'm afraid I don't always embrace the exhaustion, but know I should. It's often hard to cherish the 3:00 am feeds, or the fact that I no longer have me time... But your right! Who needs " me" time when I can have "us" time.
    I love your blog:)

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  27. This is such a great perspective, and definitely one that took me a long time to achieve. But I feel the same way. Even during the tantrums and the struggles with bedtime, I try hard to cherish every moment because someday the little ones will be gone, and I want to remember every moment I had with them as a happy one. You are blessed that you can cherish every single moment with your kids! :0)

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  28. I love the way you write! I thought I was the only one that didnt want time away from her babies...people always wondering why I don't want to leave them for a night or whatever to have "me" time. As a working mother, I have enough time away from them already. I cherish the every second I have with them. Thanks Casey for another great post! MUAH!

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  29. Casey, you bless me heart in so many ways.

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  30. This is amazing.
    You are amazing!
    I love your heart.

    XO

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  31. How did I miss this post yesterday? Wow, Casey. I'm in tears. Like we always say, we share a heart girl. I feel you on all of this. I want Jude every minute of every day because I will never know how many minutes I will have with him. I will take those crying fits every single hour if it means I get to have my Jude with me.

    Love you Casey. You have a beautiful heart.

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  32. there will be time to sleep later. love on those babies girl! AMEN!

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  33. Made me tear up sweet friend. Love how the Lord has given you so many gifts, one being the ability to write with such candor and precious authenticity. Love how He put ya in my life years ago at UP Elementary( go Panthers!) and again at 28. And finally I love how you do it all without coffee; never ceases to baffle and amaze me....seriously I can't wrap my mind around it!

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  34. ....tears..... i wish so much that you could have no worries and being your friend, i wish i could do more to help you have no worries so you can just focus on your babies, hubby and gorgeous art.
    ! I love hearing the world through your words. SO PROUD AND GRATEFUL FOR YOU!!!

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  35. I don't know exactly what why your baby was in NICU but I can relate to not being able to bond properly with your baby. When my daughter was born she had a hole in her heart and I was immeadiately transfered to the childrens hospital ICU with her. It was very difficult to breastfeed her because she didn't have the energy to drink and the feedings were always supervised by the nurses. She is nearly four now and extremely healthy and energetic, and for that I am very grateful to God but I still wish it had of been different from the start. I hope and pray that God will change this in my heart and it helps to know that you have a positive perspective on your difficulties as a mother. It is great to see Jesus bringing you and your children joy through it all.

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  36. This post was really beautiful to read. At first, I was feeling the exhaustion as you were writing your every day schedule. And then...the second part, and how much you love your kids and appreciate their lives...it's just beautiful, and that is why I know I want to be a mom someday. You have a beautiful heart. xx

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  37. Casey,
    you ARE super mom! and you're definitely doing the right thing. I admire you ☺

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  38. Amazing. Inspiring. Incredible. Thank you so very much for sharing and putting the "stresses" into perspective.

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  39. Thank you for this tear-jerking post. I can't wait to have kids and stay home with them. It's scary right now though as neither my husband or I have jobs. I'm hoping to set up a shop soon though to sell some wares and at least bring in a little.

    Thank you for affirming though that staying home is absolutely worth it.

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  40. Sweet Sweet Post! I love this one. Life is chaotic with littles, but worth every minute. I miss out on so much working outside of the home, so when I'm home I want nothing more than to be with mine.

    LOVE YOUR BLOG! Keep up the good work!

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  41. && i thought i was tired!!!! i now drive my kids around to all their different sporting events, but i wouldn't trade it for the world! so keep on embracing it, i love that! so many people complain about taking care of their kids, it really hurts my heart & makes me sad for the littles:/

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  42. I think all of parenting is a sacrifice but its soooo worth it! Love on your babies while you've got them. Before we know it we'll blink and they'll be off to live grownup lives of their own{sniff}
    xo

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  43. Thank you so much for sharing your heart Casey!

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  44. Another well done post Casey, I loved reading it! Man your day wore me out just reading about it. :) I love how you are able to appreciate and put things in perspective. I've only got one and it was a miracle we got him here...so middle of the night feedings, rocks, snuggles is more of special time than annoying. And you are right, time flies and who knows how long you get to do those things.

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  45. oh sweet friend. thanks for sharing your sweet heart. i'll be praying for you...for strength and an abundance of energy. love you!

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  46. I can relate so much to this post...after having a perfect first pregnancy and delivery with my son I still couldn't get enough of him. We spent every moment together and I never wanted a break from him. Then I got preggo with my second. It started off rough from the beginning and I spent the first four months on and off bed rest. Then at five months I went on complete bedrest and then was hospitalized for almost a month before my little girl was born seven weeks early.

    It was SO hard not being able to take care of my little boy and the hospital wouldn't let him in my room to see me. I didn't see him for FIVE WEEKS! All the while worrying if my little girl would make it. She also spent time in the NICU. Now with them home I cherish every second!!

    I love reading other about other moms who love their role as a stay at home mom!

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  47. Love this post, I have 3 kids under 4 and I live on Dr.Pepper, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

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  48. CASEY! I LOVE YOUR PERSPECTIVE!!!
    they will be big in a blink of an eye. i have told you my oldest is starting jr. high in the fall a million times. i am freaking out because he was just my little loverbear and now he has to wear deodorant and has realized what a girl is...
    (he thinks axe really attracts them LOL)
    WAAAA!!! and my 2nd is right on his coat tails. enjoy it, love em' up, and who cares, it's your life.
    LOVE YOU!
    xxO

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  49. I am new to your blog. You don't know me, but that's okay. You only need to know this I love your heart, and I love how you love your babies.

    My baby girl didn't have to go to the NICU. But she was VERY sick the first year of her life. She came home to a fabulous big brother just like your little princess did. And like you, there was no time for anything but loving babies. There was no time for me to sleep, eat, shower or take care of the house with any type of a regular schedule.

    As I read through the 'schedule' of your day I swear it was like reading my days just a few short months ago. So, let me tell you this. You are amazing! You are doing wonderful things for your children! AND very, very soon their schedules are going to merge. I know, I didn't believe anyone when they told me either, but it's true.

    When that happens and they are napping at the same time for a couple hours two things are going to happen. First, for a little while you will probably nap with them because you'll be so exhausted (at least I did). And then, all of a sudden you'll miss them SO much for those two short hours. You'll almost want to go wake them up. I still do. When they finally do wake up all cuddly and wonderful you will eat them up with a spoon and you'll be able to enjoy them even more (I didn't think it was possible either) because you'll be rested.

    I hope you realize what you're giving everyone around you with your tireless efforts. Because it's that insane love that mommies have for their babes is what makes this world turn.

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  50. You are such an inspiration. Keep with it. We will be decorating our apartment with some of your art once we save up a little more money. Much love!

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  51. Casey, thank you so much for what you write. You always remind me (even when I'm pulling my hair out) how special every minute is with my littles. And do enjoy spending all day with them, mine sometimes seem closer to their daycare providers...but take time for you, too...it's important, even though it's so hard to leave them. Thank you again for your awesome perspective.

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  52. you are so inspiring, honest and sweet. i love reading how other stay-at-home moms go about their daily lives. & your pictures are just so precious!

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  53. An amazing and wonderful perspective to have!

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  54. this post just brought tears to my eyes. you are so beautiful! such a great mama to your babies!

    you inspire so many!

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  55. beautiful post!
    seriously, it touched my heart!
    thank you for your honesty and thank you for sharing.

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  56. I think you are the only one I have ever seen make those ugly hospital gowns look good!

    I have a NICU baby too and totally understand how you feel. It was so hard to go home at night and not take her with me.

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  57. Thanks for sharing this Casey. I love seeing how "real" you are!

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  58. hmmmm....I love your heart:P you know that:P I love that you love being a mama more than anything else...(okay so its tied with wife:P)
    I feel the same way. and in those moments that are hard, I think of what a blessing it is to even have those hard moments, cause that means I am blessed to have my son. I can imagine how hard those early days must have been in both your littles lives. My heart aches for you that you didn't get to have those first moments with your babies. But I am overjoyed that you HAVE your babies! Everything seems small next to that:P
    Where would us mama's be without our littles....just roaming around with tiny bits of our heart left:(

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  59. I recently started following your blog and I just had to tell you that I totally relate to your feelings from your babies being in the NICU. I have twins who were in the NICU 7 weeks and I am so relieved to know I am not the only person who feels they are making up for lost time. I also never want breaks and want to enjoy the time! You brought back a lot of memories to me and I loved this post! God bless your precious family!

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  60. i LOVED this post!! thank you for being so honest and real.

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  61. I love these kind of reminders! I love people like you who give me a different perspective just when I need it. I have days where I am so tired! Days where I just want to GET AWAY and be alone and then I am reminded about how brief these moments are with my little girls, how in the blink of an eye they will be all grown up and my exhaustion quickly fades away.

    Not to mention, when I do get away for an hour or two every once in a while, my heart aches to get back as soon as possible and be with them.

    I am just glad there are women like you who understand that desire to never be away from their children.

    And the reason I say that is because I was I was once asked to attend an after party for a newly wed couple where my oldest was the flower girl. When I declined the offer, explaining that I needed to be home to put my girls to bed, the bride practically bit my head off, stating that I was rude and that I needed to stop making everything about my children.

    Lets just say, it took everything in me to not get all riled up. Lol. My girls are so precious to me and my time with them is so short. How can I not make everything about them?! Someday that young bride will understand. I used to think the same way when I was in her shoes and then I became a mom and everything changed. For the better.

    :) God Bless you Casey. You're such a charm!

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  62. I believe this post made me a better mother. Funny the way God works. You are beautiful and so is your family. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with the world. You have touched a strangers life in a very profound way.

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  63. One day I hope to have a wise perspective on parenting. (PS: do you find yourself guzzling caffeine throughout the day? Either way you have an amazing amount of ENERGY!! :) )

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  64. Casey-
    I too am new to this blog and I would like to personally thank you for putting the perspective of preemies and parents that have lost into this post.

    I am a mother of a surviving twin. My daughter, Sophia (twin A) passed away at 20 weeks gestation. Dealing with the greif of our loss as well as remaining pregnant trying to keep my healthy twin Mya safe as long as possible was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Thank you for remembering us mom's that are missing a piece of their world daily.

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  65. I too believe that perspective changes everything. And mine too has altered after the loss of my daughter Amelia.

    We don't always get to choose and that is why seeing the beauty within the gift of choice is so important.

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  66. um wow! how g-o-r-g-e-o-u-s are you?! you are a busy busy mom, and the fact that you don't typically want 'me' time is forcing me to question my 'me' time.......

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  67. Wow. I am so impressed by your perspective. Trusting God and having faith in His plan is truly such a blessing.

    Thank you for sharing!

    -Carly
    www.createliveblog.com

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  68. do i say this on every comment I leave??? You are BEAUTIFUL??!!!!!! and, I know those lovelies who were in the NICU for 130 days and they are PRECIOUS.. . and so are your babies! :-) I love you heart, sweet friend!

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  69. Casey,
    this was just beautifully written. My heart ached when you quoted that blog about 130 days in NICU.
    I am VERY blessed that both my girls came home with me, and both were quite healthy.
    But I have had several people, including my own mom, give me advice on my 3 year old sleeping in our bed or sucking her thumb or getting her potty trained, and honestly I have to say, both my girls are only little once. This time goes by WAY TOO FAST for my liking. So I want to keep them small, keep them children and innocent for as long as possible.
    I am a SAHM as well. Since my oldest was 9 months, I have been home. I understand the added pressure on husbands, I understand the sacrificing of the "small things" to be able to do what we do.
    My hubby and I have decided to homeschool our girls, and the thing my hubby and I have figured is that even though things are tight, if I went back to work, I'd basically be working to pay someone to watch my girls as I work. Just doesn't make sense to me.
    Some things are just to important. I hope you continue to enjoy your littles, even at 3 am. :)

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  70. woah, our daily routines are so similar. Your perspective is inspiring, as always! love you girl! every word you write touches my heart :)lets meet in person already, mkay!

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  71. beautiful, Casey. You have a heart of gold and are a wonderful Mommy.

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  72. I shared your post on my page today. I can totally relate to this right now, Casey! Thanks so much for sharing your heart. Motherhood ain't easy, but it's the best job in the world! :)

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  73. I found your blog via LMM this morning and it was just what I need to hear. Life in general, is hard sometimes, but the lessons we learn and sweet moments are worth the heartache. I had my second miscarriage in two months on Monday. I shared the quote in a post that I went back and forth on posting today: http://therealhousewivesofidaho.blogspot.com/2011/06/appreciation.html

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  74. Thanks for sharing this post.. it gave me goosebumps and even a few tears. I have gone through 2 micarriages and my first born (kiah) had to spend a week in the nicu. It really is SO hard to go home from the hospital empty handed. You cant really explain the emptiness you feel during this time. But you are so right.. it does help me to really appreciate the late nights with them, the early mornings with them.. the lack of sleep. Because no matter what my 3 kids are blessings from God, and these moments wont last long.

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  75. I needed this after only an hour of sleep...up all night with Miss C. Thank you!

    http://sweetsewnstitches.blogspot.com

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  76. Sobbing as I read this. It could have been written by me. :) I had the same experience with both of my littles after they slipped into the world, and I cherish every day. Being a mama is who I always wanted to be. :)

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  77. Our little Ava is still not sleeping through at 15 months and yes, it is super rough but I agree with you wholeheartedly...this time with them is so fleeting, it feels like the sleeplessness will never end and then poof (!) my original baby girl was 12 and I wondered where the time went.
    Sometimes my sweetest moments are at 2, 3 or 5 am...sometimes. I promise to appreciate those moments more after reading this lovely post.
    You are wise beyond your years girl!
    Happy Belated!

    xo
    Susan

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  78. I just found your blog today and I love it. I completely respect who you are and thought you should know that. I am one who struggles with infertility and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you embracing the exhaustion and blessings that are your babies. Thank you for sharing your blog.

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  79. I just discovered your blog thanks to Sydney from The Daybook and I'm so glad. This post almost had me in tears and just reminded me to squeeze my new 8 week old daughter even tigher and feel grateful for where we are. This post was perfect.

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