thoughts.

March 01, 2012




I was Looking through this old book I read years ago. I honestly rarely have time to read but something was pulling me to look at it --so I did.

"distinction between memorizing a definition of a rose in websters dictionary & actually holding one in your hand..."

Picking a fresh rose, 
with fresh rain droplets on it
pulling it to your face
eyes closed 
and smelling it.... 
Experiencing the rose first hand.

That is different than memorizing the definition of it.

I was thinking about this when it comes to a relationship with God. I mentioned last week entitlement and I was thinking about it again with this. So many of us are still looking to others to fill voids that we should be getting filled by experiencing, truly experiencing, God.

I struggle with being insecure. 
I tend to be a perfectionist when it comes to myself.
But the truth is if I sought my confidence in Him and stopped trying to let other things fill it, it would be so much  better.

Geez. If it were only so easy.
I do think that for us women it's hard. Comparisons are hard.  What we expect of ourselves  is  hard.

Some days I go to bed and feel like a complete failure. 
It usually goes something like this...


wow,
The house is a mess.
My kids ate Eggo waffles for dinner.
I didn't go out of my way to connect with chris.
My heart has been telling me to call a certain friend and I keep ignoring it.
I have so many unanswered emails.
I didnt take the dogs for a walk.
My dreams seem so unreachable today. 
Then it usually leads into this...
You're not pretty enough
Or nice enough
and you stink at house chores and cooking
you.are. nothing.
and nobody could love you.


phew.
talk about being hard on yourself.  


I remember one of the things I took away  from Blog Sugar last year was that  I don't have to do it all. 
It's okay if I am not the best at cooking meals every night, or if my house looks like a toy tornado blew through. 
It sounds so simple but it can be so freeing.

I  think it's hard to not feel like a failure. 
Atleast for some of us.
I think it's hard to not make Chris or friendships or other things fill my every need. 


I think some days it's hard to remember it's okay.


and....sometimes it's nice to know others feel like this too.

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43 comments:

  1. Funny, I was just "counseling" myself recently how life would be fine if I didn't tidy up the house before my hubs came home that day. I had run a lot of errands and being 24 weeks pregnant, that's a lot of lifting a 17month old in and out of the car seat. I was exhausted, but feeling kind of guilty. You are very right about us not beating up ourselves. God knows our heart. If we make him first everything else falls into place one way or another.

    - Sarah
    http://agirlintransit.blogspot.com

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  2. I struggle with this everyday. Just as soon as I think I have things balanced, I start thinking those thoughts... and you're right, it always starts with I fed my child peanut butter and jelly for dinner again and I never got that load of laundry done. It's a catalyst for a million other thoughts. For me, it can become an attitude, and when I feel that way... I'm not the best person I can be. Thank you for sharing this Casey. I'm glad I'm not the only one :)

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  3. Aw. It is nice knowing that others feel the same way.
    It is always surprising to me some of the people who do ...
    much love, friend!
    xoxo
    -Colie

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  4. Casey you have an amazingly brave heart to pour something like this out to inspire others. The truth is you are definitely not alone. You are sooo sooo loved! I feel like this too but the thing that helps me the most is reminding myself what matters is that I am doing the best I can to MY expectations. That way I don't feel like I am letting anyone down which is tough since I am a "people pleaser". Thank you for sharing this sweet sweet Momma! You are doing a wonderful job!! It shows in each of your pictures how absolutely happy and loved your little family is even through the hard times! xoxo

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  5. As I take a break from frantically trying to clean our mess of a place that I can't believe I let get this bad, it is just what I need to hear. Thank you Casey for this wonderful reminder :)

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  6. this is so good, casey, sooo good. oh how i struggle with the desire to be a perfectionist and it's been really hard to let go of having a clean house, etc, with this pregnancy... with it has come learning to be patient with myself and knowing that i can't do it all... and letting go of the "haunting" feeling that i haven't called so and so back or whatever... you know what i'm saying :) love you sister, you are so incredible

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  7. oh. my word. i was meant to read your blog today. thank you, casey!

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  8. Beautiful post my friend! Think of how many times you kissed those sweet babies of yours though :) I'm sure that will make it all better!

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  9. thank you for this sweet casey. i beat myself up because my medications make me feel so sick all the time, i have to do eyedrops every 20 minutes i'm home to make sure i get them in at least 15 times a day, i want to be a present momma who always shows her girl magic and gratitude. i just want to be good for my family and make their days GREAT. sometimes it is all just so, so much. letting go is the only way to find joy and completely surrender to the beauty all around.

    xo.

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  10. Great post. I struggle with the same things. It's tough being a perfectionist! Know you are doing a great job!

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  11. You are certainly not alone. More often than not, I list all the things that I did not accomplish during the day instead of acknowledging all that I have accomplished. I end up feeling angry and disappointed in myself and, sadly, those feelings get redirected toward my body - I'm too fat, too flabby, too frumpy - and toward my character - I'm too mean, I'm a terrible wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, person. It is a battle sometimes, that would be so much easier to quit fighting, if only I could remember to just surrender.

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  12. First of all, let me apologize for talking way too much here.

    But, It's true that we all go through times and thoughts such as these. It's as if the communication between our heads and our hearts are not reaching each other in the "right spot". They get separated somehow. Perfectionists are always reaching for the unattainable "thing". It's almost there, we can almost see it. But, It's impossible to stand in the middle of perfectionism and feel it.

    I hear you sweet friend, I have been there too. We all have.

    We're not meant to be perfect. We're meant to be whole.

    Here's hoping you'll see just how unique and special you are ~ praying for your journey to becoming not perfect, but, whole. xoxo

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  13. Casey - im so glad you wrote this out. it definatley a freeing thing to know that God's grace is what makes us perfect...in HIS sight. and that He doesnt hold us to standard. Its a standard created by MAN anyways, not by Him. and you are So right...we have to fill any void with Him and Him alone. :) you are doing great girl, i love you so much!!!

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  14. sweet girl, you are not alone.

    the wonderful thing is that God gives us a chance to start over every single day, and he fills us with his grace and mercy.

    this is my 'go-to' verse for my days when i'm hard on myself:

    And don't be wishing you
    were someplace else or
    with someone else. Where
    you are right now is
    God's place for you.
    Live and obey and love
    and believe right there.
    1 Corinthians 7:17a

    You are wonderful, and you ARE more than good enough. God made you...knitted each tiny bit of you together...and he makes you perfect.

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  15. I always pretend that I am secure and happy with who I am but I say the same things to myself! All the way down to the "nobody could love me" part.
    Thank you for this post! It's very encouraging.

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  16. You speak right to my heart!

    Thanks so much for doing link-ups! So nice of you for the the newbies to blogging!

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  17. I couldn't agree more with you Casey. I struggle with insecurity much more than I'd like to admit. It's crazy how all of our faults or failures tend to overshadow everything else. And it happens so fast.

    I love what you learned at Blog Sugar- hearing that IS freeing! :)

    ps loved the rose part of this post. how true is that...

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  18. funny. I was just talking to my mom (that is a miracle on its own let me tell ya!) about how the women we often think are so beautiful often don't even see themselves in the same enviable light.
    And you my dear sister are beautiful. Not just outside but your heart is like a giant cherry of "TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE" on top of that.
    you were made marvelously! Gods word says that honey not me ;). So take that compliment up with your heavenly Father.

    I definitely can't talk because I can easily beat myself up.
    Especially when my friends post pictures of me on facebook looking like the double wide version of myself -_- ... not cool.

    But God is so much bigger than the enemies lies or the perception of beauty or being a mom or blogger or artist that we carry. HE IS SO MUCH BIGGER.

    Praying you see yourself and the world around you through HIS eyes girl.

    Right...
    now!

    ♥CheChe

    great post. Sorry for my novel.

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  19. I had a day a bit like this yesterday and as the day progressed I just got tougher and tougher on myself until finally I had enough and went to bed--which I felt bad about because I should be enjoying the evening with my husbnd and not going to sleep.

    But we are only human after all.

    And although it is hard to believe i am so much better than I was a year ago--so step by step I am getting there--I don't have to do everything myself perfectly.

    Thanks for your honest words :)

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  20. Just remember that when you look back at your life, it won't be the messes or the less-than-perfect dinners. You'll remember the experiences you had with others! Everything else is just life clutter.

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  21. This post spoke to me today. Thank you. I needed it.

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  22. Sigh... all the time we are hard on ourselves...and its so sad because that isn't how God looks at us. I wish we could see ourselves how God sees us...even just a bit.

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  23. I've recently found your lovely blog. Your recent posts about entitlement and being hard on yourself have felt so close to home. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes it's nice just to know that other people feel the same.

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  24. Thanks for sharing....this was freeing.

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  25. thank you for this post Casey. i have been unusually hard on myself lately. EVERYTHING you said i identify with. just not feeling like enough...looking to my husband, children and my home to fill my voids.

    Heavenly Father just won't seem to let me get away with that;) my husband won't even let me get away with that.

    i have to see that in God, I am enough, and in Him I must fill my void, and asking for Him to fulfill me outside of Him is just not something He can allow.

    i really love and appreciate your honesty here because its such a struggle for me and hearing other women talk about it makes me feel 'ohkay' like i can work through this with God because its a normal struggle and God knows that and He's ok with that:)

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  26. Thanks for sharing Casey. I am one of those people too that tends to expect my husband to make me feel better if I'm feeling sad... That's not his job though...

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  27. I feel like this often to. Every thing I have planned seems nothing to me, all the chores that need to be done are thrown in a corner and I have many unanswered questions, emails and phone calls to return. You are okay and you are good enough and you are defiantly pretty or should I say attractive.

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  28. Such a timely post that I definitely needed to hear! It is certainly hard for women, but it's such a blessing to remind ourselves that His grace is sufficient! Thanks for sharing. Admire your heart so much!

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  29. Thank you for sharing this. I struggle with this daily. Sometimes hourly. I appreciate your blog and life expierences that you give to us.
    I just wanted to say thank you.

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  30. Man, you really spoke to my heart because I can be extremely hard on myself. What with school, my blog, my photography, etc it is hard not to compare myself to others. But I am getting better and this post helped :)

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  31. well i could have written this post myself case but it wouldn't have been so eloquently written. thanks for this!

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  32. I love when I stumble upon these kind of posts at just the right time. Thank you for such open and honest words, and for making this woman, wife, mother, creative soul feel ok with feeling so much .

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  33. You seriously read my mind. I've been telling myself this week that maybe the empty places are deliberately put there so that God can fill them. They weren't meant for anything else and that's why all my efforts to try fall flat.

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  34. I love this article! It's totally true. I'm way harder on myself than others ever will be. I'm such a perfectionist. Everything has to be just so, including my house. It wasn't until I got pregnant that I started to let things just be. After all, I'm just too tired and sore to care about a few footprints from the dogs on the tile or a condensation ring on the dining room table. I just simply have to believe in God's plan for my life and know that He will work all things together for my good.
    : )

    Vonae Deyshawn

    www.myvirtueplace.com

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  35. Oh Casey, your post spoke to my heart and also made me so sad for you!! You are not NOTHING, you are EVERYTHING to your husband and children, always remember that. I think mothers often struggle with these thoughts. . . I on the other hand am neurotic about the house being picked up and sometimes (or rather often) I forget to let it go and get messy with my kids. At the end of the day, I often reflect thinking, "Did I play with them enough, I should have done more crafts, played more, etc". Know that you are truly loved by your family and a lot of people out there in blog world:)

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  36. I love this Case! SO very true! I have realized lately that I have been letting my ex husband fill my every need. NOT HEALTHY! Especially now that I am on my own.. Its so hard. Praying for you girl!

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  37. What you said is so true. I have had to realize that the expectations I had for what I would be accomplishing are not the same anymore now that I have chronic health issues. I never knew I would be diagnosed with Crohn's disease only 4 months after getting married, with no symptoms prior to then. Now I have so many issues from all of the medications and not only the disease but all of the side complications of it too... but I sometimes just have to pray and tell myself "Today, I got out of bed, and sometimes that is ENOUGH!" God doesn't care how much we get done each day, he cares about our heart, our attitude, and as long as we're doing our best, we must rely on God for the rest! lol I didn't mean to rhyme there but you know what I mean. Thank you for your honesty, even though I don't know you personally I think you are a beautiful woman of God and a wonderful momma, and never let go of your sensitive heart, God needs more of those here on earth! :-)

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  38. Keep repeating out loud, "Devil get behind me" - he's stealing your confidence; don't let him take it.

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  39. ummm, yeah. been there. love your heart. Love that you realize that it is hard to remember "it's okay" Easier said than done some days. But God's word is TRUTH and he bestows new mercies on us each day. We need to do the same right? except his mercies, his grace. and move forward.

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  40. amen, sister. thank you for this post.

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  41. I just found your blog through Kelle Hampton's... you are not alone in feeling "not good enough" sometimes! I think that is totally normal, although it's often not a good feeling. I honestly think that everyday I have the thought "ugh I wish my house were cleaner/more perfect/less cluttered..." and I keep thinking "if only I could just have a day where I could clean it, organize closets, etc, then I will feel better!" but in reality, I think I am excepting that there will never be a time when everything is perfectly cleaned and organized, with a homecooked meal on the table for all 3 meals, a nice arts and crafts project with the kids, exercise... really, I don't think that will all happen in one day. So I just try to pick one thing a day to focus on. And accept that us being with our children, making them the priority, is what really matters in life. Thanks for your blog, it's nice. And I like the Bible verses too.

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