I have this image in my mind.
It's an old house, the attic upstairs has been transformed into a huge open studio, the floors sanded smooth for my bare feet to slide across. There is an open window with the early sunlight peering through, curtains blowing through a light breeze. The natural light glimmers through the entire space and bounces off of the white furniture and vintage couch. I have music pumping and my computer screen open.
Ready to write.
There are glass bottle everywhere filled with paint brushed and open tubes of fresh oil paint. It's the perfect space.
Last night we went to Ben Folds (a concert) and it was fabulous. It reminded me how much art and music touch the depths of my soul. I literally wept in the audience at one point. He sings this song "Gracie" about his little girl. I was imagining that this little girl is far away, tucked into her bed- and somewhere her daddy is up on a stage in front of thousands of people singing about her.
What a gift.
I want to give that gift.
I may not be able to play music or sing or write songs- but you can bet your darndest that my kiddos will have this space as theirs.
Long after I am gone they can read through the pages of what they did to my soul.
How they changed me, how they made me better and added more than I knew they could.
I want Chris to read about how much I love him.
I want them all to know- I want them all to own this tiny gift I left for them in this small space on the internet. Filled with pictures and thoughts, filled with tears and stories.
How when Aiden belly laughs something happens deep in my soul, something that I NEVER knew I could feel. Or how he tears up when a slow song comes on- how at age three his tenderness shines through in a way I can't fathom.
And when Ainsleigh sings and shows those teeth that I always talk about- how I see visions of her and I being best friends for life.
And how I havent even met Apple yet- but how I see a relationshiip between all of "us girls" that is indescribable.
And Chris. How he gave me everything. passion, dreams, love and more.
I am reading Kelle Hampton's book, Bloom. There are like a million quotes I want to share. I love how Kelle talks about motherhood. It is exactly how I feel about it.
Just this awe that it could be this fun, this amazing.
I never could relate to the negativity or the frustrations- all of that seems so small to me in comparison to how much life motherhood gives my soul.
And she expresses that perfectly.
One part she writes,
" Mothers have multiple hearts- one that beats inside them, rhythmically pumping blood up and down, in and out- and one for every child she welcomes. And while the former of these hearts is brilliantly attached to the body with a labyrinth of nerve connectors that tell it how and when to respond, the latter of these hearts is likewise connected. Your child's sorrows are magnified within you, and you celebrate their joys tenfold."
Cue the tears.
I couldn't have written it more perfectly.
And she also writes about her blog.
" I wanted my kids to be able to know me as a mom of little ones someday. I imagined them reading my stories years later with their own little on their knee and finally getting it- how much I loved them. How full my heart was. My blog would be a legacy. I decided, my own virtual creative diary, a place for me to put it all out there. Photos of my girl, ramblings of my heart, details of every little thing I loved about life. I wanted it to be more than just a scrapbook- I wanted it to be a place full of meaning and beauty, for myself and for my family."
This blog is my "song"...my tribute to those who gave me life.