a whirlwind.

September 04, 2012

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The past months have been a whirlwind. Bedrest, a hospital stay for me, we got robbed, we had a baby 4 weeks early, we had more hospital stays, NICU, then Chris got in a bad wreck a few days ago along with things going on in my personal life. 
It's been a lot.

I have been waking up for the past two weeks every night in cold sweats. 
Completely drenched.

This is a part of post partum that I either have never experienced before or completely blocked it out- because I don't remember this happening before. I wake up drenched, I nurse baby A, then have to get in a hot shower because I am shaking so bad. 
You know in the winters when it's freezing outside and you cant pull yourself from the shower....the hot water feels so good and is so comforting and the thought of stepping out is almost unbearable. 

This is becoming a nightly ritual.

Then I put on a huge sweater, get back into bed, teeth chattering and repeat the whole process again. 
I googled it. Apparently it is common? who knew? 
Third baby and I still am experiencing new things.

I turned the comments off of this post for a reason...because the purpose of this post is to express where I am right now, my heart, my feelings....it isn't a need or a desire for people to make me feel better. Although so many of you often do. Your comments and emails constantly make me feel so encouraged.

I started a blog when Aiden was born. It was an attempt to keep family updated on him, type out thoughts and ideas and "send them out into cyber space". I never got comments. I am pretty sure like 3 people even knew about the blog. And it was great. Then after Ainsleigh's birth I had all kinds of emotions...just exploding out of me for what seems to be at all times. And somehow I discovered " a community" - a huge group of beautiful people...and I decided to try and grow my art and the blog a bit...I started to advertise... and for a good bit I blogged about a ton of stuff that I would never talk about today. Lots of eye rolling looking back, lots of cringes... lots of changed views and different opinions than what I once held. I could delete them, but I guess that is where i was at at the time....so in an attempt to be real- I leave them there- embarrassing or not.

I met some of my best friends. And found a balance. I decided to blog but not to get caught up in "trying to be on twitter all the time", I left my instagram private, I decided to update my facebook with blog posts but not to spend anymore time than I needed on the computer. 

I didn't want to be on my phone or computer when my kids were awake. 
I wanted to be living life.

I also have an art studio to run. And responsibilities elsewhere.

I love writing. I saw the good it was doing. Helping people find faith. Helping people deal with loss and fears in motherhood. I saw that when I would post a link, a friend's shop would sell some headbands, and that was cool to see this little space help other families in tiny ways. 

Yes, we take lots of pictures- but we always have. 
Before we ever had a blog we documented everything. Part of this is Chris being a filmaker/photographer, part of it is who we are....wanting to capture every tiny thing. In a way it helps me "be okay" as the kids grow, as we change, as we move forward....it's been captured in a photograph....and with this blog, feelings were captured as well.

Then something else happened. 

There were moments that blogging turned out not to be fun. 
When someone stole my identity and all my pictures, when people posted my writing as their own blog posts, when the nasty comments started and when the speculation on our family's decisions became more and more common. 
Some people's personalities can handle all of this. 

Mine has a hard time with it. 
A really hard time with it.

I have a desire to take everyone out to lunch...pour my heart out, tell them why we have made certain decisions, tell them why some speculations weren't entirely right or even times when I felt convicted/ that someone hit the nail on the head- telling them how I agreed. 

It's this un.natural place...knowing everything being said and written about you. In "real life" this pretty rarely happens. So with the flood of post partum hormones and the anxiety caused by things in my personal life and everything else that I have had going on...I have found myself wondering why I blog. 
I have visited this thought many times before. 

And it has left me thinking about "fear of man". How many times do we get "squelched", how many times do we not pursue our purpose or just something that is supposed to be a good thing because Satan has created a fear of man in our hearts.
 For me I think it could be fairly frequently. 

Fear. I let it rule me. In so many areas.

I love peace. I hate conflict. I don't like to be disliked. And my heart is tender towards negativity. So when these arise, I tend to shrink back. 
And want it go away.

It's easier to just live life the easy way, not have to be hurt or face the anxiety.
So what is the balance? Accept that not everyone will like you. Not everyone will agree with you. And be okay with that.

Or just  live a life where you don't put yourself in these types of situations.  I mean anyone who blogs is putting their life out there- we have it coming. 

Is it worth it?
Does the good outweigh the bad?

I hope it does. 

I am going to end this post with a beautiful comment. Jody left it a few days ago, I have quoted her numerous times on the blog before because her comments are so beautiful and they leave me so encouraged. Her writing is too great not to share.
This is the same woman who commented on one of my posts about fear and motherhood and told the story of her little girl's death. 
Her bright eyed toddler was tragically killed when their family sat in a cafe after  church one Sunday. And a car plowed through the window. And without any warning her daughter was gone.

I was in California when I read her comment and I wept on the bathroom floor for a woman I had never met. 
Those are the moments that make blogging beautiful.

"I know people write it often, and sometimes I don't think they mean 'actual tears', but this post- the old man and his gentle rocking and hymns- had me in tears. For you. For Apple. For Chris and your other two babes. For the other babies in the NICU. For babies and families at other hospitals too. For people all around the world. I have been at the bedside of my babies, holding them, praying for them, hurting for them and me too. And as your words hit me tonight with my own thoughts and emotions and memories and wishing to hold a little girl this side of Heaven, well it just painted such a picture of what the heart of God must feel when He looks into all our loves too. The way He wants to hold us and heal the broken wounds that sin has marred this world with- oh, I don't know how He holds back. But I know we can trust in His never-ending promises. He promises to bring healing and justice and peace and He promises to make all things new. He knows the longing in your heart to have baby Apple home. I am so glad that she has a mom- a family- that longs for her and cares for her as deeply as you do. She must be able to feel that love and our God loves her- and you, and each of us- in an infinite way. So we can trust in a big love like that! Even when the pictures- when life around us- deosn't "look" the way we would like it too. I think of a few of my favorite verses: 2 Cor. 4:16-18 " Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." May they encourage you today as they have been an encouragement to me many times over. xoxo"

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