movement in my soul.

January 06, 2013


(I wrote this Friday night when I got home)

I saw Les Mis tonight and saying that my soul was moved is an understatement. 

I yet again am overcome with gratitude for what Chris does, what artists do, what musicians do... and actresses, the list goes on. I can't help but walk away from a movie like that and just praise Him for giving people the gifts that He has and for them to pursue them and it all come together like an orchestra to bless and move my soul. 

Someone wrote a story and they told it- and there were moments that I felt like my whole life was changing through the tears in the movie theater tonight.

I am such a deep "feeler" that often times I have to protect a bit what comes my way. Movies and music and events can impact me greatly. 

I carry stuff greatly.

Some people go through their entire life with minimal struggle. While others lose it all. Their hearts are shattered and they cry out to God daily just to make it another day. 
I don't know why that is. But the reality of that. 
The reality is that it all can change in a moment. 
I carry that. 
everyday.

I have struggled with fear since I was 3 years old. It is my daily battle. 
And since becoming a mom, never in my life have I had to rely on Christ more.

Opening my hands, handing over these tiny souls that carry my heart in each of them. Some moments I can barely breathe. And others I am able to peacefully hand them over to God to carry for me.

I hadn't stepped into a movie theater since the Colorado shootings. The first 20 minutes before the movie began my heart was racing, eyes staring at the exits, anxiety almost overtaking me. "Casey, this is fear. God take it from me. Rescue me." As the thoughts flooded my mind, I sat there and realized that I am not my kid's God. He is their God. If I am gone or if I am here, my prayer is that they seek after Him. I am not their God. Yes, their lives will look very different if I am no longer in it. But God loves them more than I do, I HAVE to rest in that.

Babies, if you are reading this someday- you are EVERYTHING and seeking after Him is the whole point. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. It's the whole purpose of our existence. 

The anxiety subsides.

Then the movie begins and within the first hour the hot tears begin to stream. What is it about identifying with a mother and their overwhelming love for their child that can do that to us? I was thinking as I watched. I have absolutely nothing to complain about and absolutely EVERYTHING to be thankful for. 

Gratefulness should ooze from my being. 

Then there is the part of the story that anyone on this earth can identify with- the desire to be loved by their father. And I am not talking about our earthly dads (although most people do)...but I am talking about how we all have the opportunity to rest in the fact that our heavenly Father wants us. He is waiting. He desires to delight in us. Everything that any of us have ever wanted- He can fill that void. We must need Him and absolutely must cry out for it. 

I have written a lot about open hands. How this too is a daily battle. These babies- I want to grip them tight with every fiber of who I am. I want to protect them. I want them never to be hurt. I want them never ever to be afraid. The list goes on. Daily I have to remember "they were never mine to lose." My greatest fear. Yet.... God has entrusted them with me. Yet they are not mine to lose. They are His.

I want to be a different wife. 
I actually tonight want to be a different blogger. 
I want to be a better different person. 

I am tired of playing the games of this world. I am not of this world, so I no longer should be impacted by it. 

This movie shows grace upon grace upon grace- absolutely beautiful. 

60 comments:

  1. What a beautiful review! I loved how you praised God for the actor's talents. So beautiful, Casey. Thank you.

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  2. Beautifully said! I felt some of the same things while watching Les Mis.

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  3. I felt the same way when I saw that movie. So beautiful, I cried the entire time. Beautiful post :-)

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  4. Beautiful Casey. I have followed your blog for awhile and this is my favorite post. I love that instead of letting your fear and anxiety overtake you, you recognized it and let go. I agree, it is not in our hands. All we can do is appreciate every moment we have on this earth together.

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  5. I felt a very similar way when I left the theatre. Music and movies impact me greatly as well.

    I love the blog and I look forward to reading more :)

    Allison
    http://allisonbc.blogspot.com/

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  6. Such a beautiful post and as always your words never cease to inspire and connect on such a deep level not only whilst reading them but afterwards as well. Amazing.

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  7. Beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing. I am thankful to God for you, you have such an amazing way of sharing your heart. I relate so deeply with your fears and it makes me feel so good to know that we can give it all to God. Thanks for the reminder.

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  8. beautiful post! you can see how far you have really come with fear. it is a struggle, especially once you have kids, but way to put on the armour of god and fight back the fear the enemy tries to give you!

    p.s. i so wanna see that movie :)

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  9. so simple and beautiful as always.
    You can see God in your writing. I adore that. thank you.

    -kiri

    www.greentreesredroses.blogspot.com

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  10. I can't wait to see this movie. Fear is a struggle I can identify with. And you are right. We are not of this world when we are found in Christ. We are different and when I come read you blog, I see you as such. You are a blessing and a beaming light for Jesus.

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  11. What a heartfelt post Casey. Thank you for putting into words what I have also felt.

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  12. I can't wait to see this movie. Thank you for sharing your perspective! I can identify with the struggle of fear as well. You are right. We are not of this world when we are found in Christ. We are different and our lives should say so about us. When I come to your blog and read, I feel this way about you. You are a blessing and a beaming light for Jesus.

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  13. This is a beautiful review of a movie I hope to see soon. I love your comment- I am not my kids' God. Wow. So true, but easy to forget.

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  14. In watching the movie last week and being in a theater, I too found anxiety beginning to overwhelm me. I felt such uneasiness... then I began to pray for peace. For Him to reveal Himself even through the movie that I was watching. Yes, I could have just walked out – but I stayed and like you wrote, saw grace. I saw commitment and the Father's love displayed. Totally agree with what you said.

    And Casey, I just want to encourage you...
    This love that you have for your children is truly a gift. Perhaps you feel these worries because of your strong heart of compassion. There is a song that says, "Break my heart for what breaks Yours," and it is evident as I read your posts that you carry large pieces of His heart. Because we are human it IS hard. It is hard to trust that He is always there, always moving, always protecting. But He is.

    Please read Psalm 121. It has brought comfort to my heart as I have been fighting fear and anxiety lately.

    "The Lord watches over you – the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." (Psalm 121:7-8)

    Thank you for writing. For living a life that points others to Jesus. You inspire me so.
    xxo

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  15. Casey we have such similar hearts. I've never known how to put it - but you said it perfectly... I am a feeler. I haven't been in a theater since the shooting yet either and I am afraid to do so many things. God has asked to to do them anyway - even if my hands are trembling. I've wanted to see this movie but have been afraid of the impact. I think I'll take my fears and box of tissues and go see it. Thank you for the lovely post.

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  16. In watching the movie last week and being in a theater, I too found anxiety beginning to overwhelm me. I felt such uneasiness... then I began to pray for peace. For Him to reveal Himself even through the movie that I was watching. Yes, I could have just walked out – but I stayed and like you wrote, saw grace. I saw commitment and the Father's love displayed. Totally agree with what you said.

    And Casey, I just want to encourage you...
    This love that you have for your children is truly a gift. Perhaps you feel these worries because of your strong heart of compassion. There is a song that says, "Break my heart for what breaks Yours," and it is evident as I read your posts that you carry large pieces of His heart. Because we are human it IS hard. It is hard to trust that He is always there, always moving, always protecting. But He is.

    Please read Psalm 121. It has brought comfort to my heart as I have been fighting fear and anxiety lately.

    "The Lord watches over you – the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." (Psalm 121:7-8)

    Thank you for writing. For living a life that points others to Jesus. You inspire me so.
    xxo

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  18. i loved that movie too. it really touched me! so amazing..

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  19. So thankful for you, Casey!!! I felt exactly this way walking out of that movie. I was floored by the overwhelming theme of God's grace and how the movie just shouted forth His glory! "If you have ever loved another person, you have seen the face of God." There is true divinity in the love we have for our children.

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  20. What you said was very touching, Casey. I can't wait to see the movie now!

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  21. What you said touched my heart, Casey. I can't wait to see the movie now!

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  22. I'm pretty new to your blog and I have to say- damn. I wish I could write with an ounce of the grace, poise and beauty that you do.

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  23. You are such an excellent writer! It is so refreshing to see that a movie can impact someone so much. You truly see the beauty in everything, and it comes directly from God. As Gods children we are not of this world. I love that you don't feel the need to blog about what is popular but to write from your heart, and God's spirit.

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  24. Not sure why my comment posted so many times. Sorry about that :(

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  25. this is a beautiful post, Casey. it's so hard to let go of anything that's precious to us, but so important to remember those same people are precious to Him also, and even if/when we are gone, He will still be taking even better care of them then we could.

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  26. The reason your blog has become a daily read for me is because it is beautifully different. Thank you for posts like this. I was contemplating waiting to rent Les Mis and I think now I need to go see it in theatre.

    When my husband, and our church family attended the Batman movie after the shooting, I dealt with the same anxiety, fear, and heart racing as you did. It's a daily struggle for me as well. My heart consumes everyone whose path I come across and sometimes that makes things so hard to handle.

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  27. I loved this post! Fear is something i have struggled with also. But God is so gracious and kind. Meeting us where ever we are, showing us that he is there for us everyday in every way. And his love and adoration for us is beyond measure. Ans i so want to this movie!!

    Anna
    http://asmallcornerblog.blogspot.com/

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  28. You and I are very similar in our fears and sensitivities to what we see and hear. I know for me, having kids has heightened that tenfold. I am always touched when you share your struggle and growth in that area. I so appreciate your honesty and wisdom.

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  29. wow. thank you for being so honest & real.

    as i am still in the beginnings of my blogging adventure, i pine for the day when i can be so open with being open.

    xo - heather
    This Life Is Yours Blog

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  30. i hope you read this, casey. I know you read everything that is written here. But I hope you READ this. I am like you. I carry things. I carry them deeply. So much so that sometimes the weight of things overtakes me and I cannot function. Sadness, I can't handle it. Other's heartaches I carry with me forever. Like you. I have a dear friend who feels the same weight of sadness and THINGS that you do and that I do. When the shootings happened in the schools the other week she called me immediately and said, "Meghan, do NOT listen to the news or turn on the t.v..don't ask me why because I don't want you to know.. I know that your heart can't handle it."

    Have you ever read the book "The secret life of bees?". One of the characters in there feels the emotions of the world stronger than everyone around her. Because of this her sisters set up a "wailing wall" in their back yard--like the ones the Jews used in Jerusalem. When a weight would overtake her she would write down the sadness on a sheet of paper and stick it in the wailing wall so that she could remove the weight from her soul and not carry it. I have started doing something liek this, and it MAY help you. I've started writing down things I carry with me in a little jar. I know they are still there.. and I still pray over them.. but i remove them from the weight of my soul because I am crushed under the burden of hurting friends, hurting people, hurting and sadness all around me. Sometimes I feel like the weight will choke me.

    I don't know if this has a point, but I want you to know that your not alone (and encourage you that it is a gift and not a burden, not everyone feels so much and has such a big heart) in the way you carry an feel. I love you!!

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  31. I sometimes wonder how some mothers do it. The very thought of grief paralyzes me at times. My dad sent me a beautiful poem that I turn to when the fear overtakes me. May you find peace in the words as I have.

    The Peace of Wild Things
    When despair for the world grows in me
    and I wake in the night at the least sound
    in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
    I go and lie down where the wood drake
    rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
    I come into the peace of wild things
    who do not tax their lives with forethought
    of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
    And I feel above me the day-blind stars
    waiting with their light. For a time
    I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
    — Wendell Berry

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  32. i was so moved by this movie too -- especially the last scene. i wish all the songs were on the soundtrack. i was equally frightened to be in the theater due to the shootings back in August in CO.

    thank you for your insight.

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  33. Absolutely beautiful post. I struggle so much with fear too....and i also have learned that i have to be very careful about what I watch and read and see. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective...I feel blessed and moved just by reading this.

    Thank you.

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  34. Casey (and Meghan), I also carry things...feel things deeply. It can be both a blessing and a curse. It is something I struggle with on a daily basis, so thank you, Casey, for reminding me to take that to the Lord. Your words mean so much. Thank you, sweet friend! xoxo

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  35. This is a beautiful way of describing a very beautiful movie...the struggles seen in Les Mis can relate to so many people.

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  36. this hit my heart in such a good way. your words are my words- i just never knew how to say them. thank you so much for saying them for me. i want to print this and frame it and when i have that paralyzing fear that often overtakes me as a mama, i will look at your words and simply utter "i am not alone." God is using you in such an awesomely wonderful way and you are proof that there is still so much good in this world.
    God bless you and your beautiful family!

    -allison
    www.allisontrowbridge.blogspot.com

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  37. i identify with this greatly. i've been going through a struggle lately of just not understanding how to live in this world, and know the people i know, and still be one with Christ. i can't seem to make it work.

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  38. what a beautifully written post, as always!!

    xo,
    Sandy
    Sandy a la Mode

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  39. Casey, I feel like you must have read my blog post today! We share the same fears and the same resolutions about how to move forward with those fears. Your writing is such a comfort to me. Thank you!

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  40. I love how you can enjoy the beautiful story without getting too caught up in the fact that the movie also features some sex and violence. A lot of Christians who go to movies get so wrapped up in picking out the flaws in a film that they can't appreciate the beauty of a story well told. Thank you for your review. :)

    -Lindsey

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  41. More Lord more! I stand with Casey in prayer against the temptation of control and any fear that would cause it. We, and everything we have is Your responsibility to take care of. We are here to be loved by You. Our understanding the truth of Your love is the key to entering Eden again...to freedom and peace. I bless her family and her ministry...and her art and life. Amen!

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  42. Casey- thank you so much for sharing your beautiful heart! I will never forget that I found your blog right before I had my daughter, and the first post I read was the one about open hands. It was JUST what I needed going into her birth, and it's something that I try to think about very often. So every time I do, I think of you, and thank the Lord for that visual he gave through you! :)

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  43. Amazing and true! Goosebumps. Thank you for writing what my soul struggles with deeply. Thankful that you know our Savior and he has gifted you with this.

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  44. This is a very unique piece of work. I love how you thank God for everything. we, humans sometimes forget that without God we couldn't do anything.

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  45. You have such a beautiful way of sharing your heart. I am trying to be more vulnerable and open on my blog- to use it as a testimony.

    And now I think I need to go see Les Mis.

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  46. WOW! I think I Need to go see this movie. Casey, once again, I feel like you have written the worlds that my soul feels. Fear. Why is it so crippling. So paralyzing. Why do we give in to it. Why do we let our fears rule our lives and THINK that we are some sort of fortune teller, that because we FEAR these things they will actually happen. I don't know the answer. Well. I do. It's Satan. He comes to steal, kill and destroy. That's all he wants from us. And fear lets him have a foothold in every one of those areas. BUT! BUT! BUT! We serve a God who wants to give us LIFE! GRACE! JOY! PEACE! HAPPINESS! Praise the Lord! Praise God that we don't have to live in fear. I know it's a daily struggle. I KNOW. I live it. But thank God we have so many reminders of his goodness and his grace and his mercy. Bless your tender soul. Thankful for your writing and blessing me through it.

    xoxoxox

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  47. 'Daily I have to remember "they were never mine to lose." My greatest fear. Yet.... God has entrusted them with me. Yet they are not mine to lose. They are His.' Casey, this is profound. Wow.

    I read different blogs to get different things from them (don't we all?). From yours, I will absorb some of your faith. I have faith, but yours shines so brightly....I want to feel like that more. Thank you for being an inspiration to me.

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  48. I've been reading your blog posts for a while as I follow on bloglovin. You have a lovely heart, and I love reading your posts! I was never as sensitive of a person as I would like to be, until I had my first baby a few months ago. It completely wrecked me, and now I am the polar opposite. I also find myself constantly struggling with worry and fear.
    A RESOUNDING truth that runs through my head constantly is "Perfect love casts out fear." I am so thankful I have Christ to lean on to teach me how to reflect comfort and security to my child instead of projecting on her the worry and fear that I frequently struggle with.
    Thank you also for your speaking about having open hands, I am going to take this to heart and make it my constant prayer.
    I'm looking forward to reading what you will write in future posts!

    (Also to Anna who added that beautiful poem in the above comments, thank you for that!)

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  49. I am so grateful that you shared this . I needed this. Fear is something that I struggle with , too , losing my children , I need to release all things that bind my heart; things that keep me from truly living - for He is he one in control . I pray I will somehow have a true change of heart with that truth

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  50. Beautiful words. You move my soul with every post.

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  51. Thank you for this.
    You have no idea the struggles people are dealing with then come to your blog and find strength.
    You, my friend, are beautiful and it's amazing to watch God use you in so many ways.
    It makes me want to be a better Christian, mom, wife and person.
    So thank you.

    xoxoxoxox
    Sarai

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  52. amen sweet girl!
    what an amazing Truth!
    xo

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  53. I stumbled across your blog from pinterest....You truely brought tears to my eyes reading your post. I had seen Les Mis on broadway in 2007 and then saw it in the theater last week. I have to say I cried a little harder the second time. I believe because I am now a mother and put myself in Fantine's shoes. What you speak is very true and we need to remember that as a parent we can only do so much in our childrens lives and the other is in Gods hands.

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  54. Beautiful post...a fear that most mothers have - but you put it in words how we should feel - they are not ours - He has trusted us with them. God bless!

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  55. Thankyou, thankyou for this post. I am newly pregnant with my first baby and have been wrestling with fears of losing it. I resonate with what you’re expressing here. I really feel like God has been trying to get through to me that it’s always going to be this way, I’m always going to have to be releasing my babies to Him, releasing my fears to Him. Can only do it by His grace.

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  56. I have been having that same feeling lately as we go through some major life changes. My husband was diagnosed with grade 4 AStrocytoma GBM brain tumor (terminal) and our lives have been forever turned inside out and upside down. I rely on God to get me through, I know no matter what happens I have God, He is my strength. I figure what's the worst that can happen here on earth is whatever is meant to happen, it will change us and make us grown into who we are meant to be. that's life here on earth, imperfect and beautiful in it's own way, but at the same time, I can't wait for something better!
    hugs and LOVE to yoU!
    tara

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  57. Your sentiments captured my thoughts exactly. It was such a powerful story of redemption through God. Loved it!!

    aloha,

    Jean What jean Likes

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  58. Beautiful. That is exactly how I feel now. Things change is. For the better.

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  59. Love this Casey! Loved that movie too! :) emily

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  60. Your soul is so beautiful. I wish I could bare mine like you, with such eloquence and grace. You describe so beautifully some of the exact things I am dealing with and feeling but don't know how to put it into words. You lift me up with your words and photos. Never stop.

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