Emotion. It comes & it goes. The kind that makes your heart race, the kind that won't leave until you sit down and process it. Write and let it flow out.
For about two months now I have felt a nudging like God wants to push me outside my comfort zone. The kind of comfort zone that smacks you back to reality and lets you see how big God really is.
One night this week I got the kids in bed and went to get a little caught up on my computer and I saw it.... the subject line to an email and I knew what the signs and prompting were leading to in a single moment. In all honesty, I am not sure if anything will even come of it but I think I had to make a decision in my heart regardless. Can I trust God even when He asks me to do something that scares me?
I started crying.
I hadn't even read the email yet. But when you know God is working on something with you and you want to resist but know that you shouldn't.... it can make you weepy.
The truth is.... I want to be pushed, I want to be broken.
I want to see how big God is and rely on Him in ways that are so far out of my comfort zone that I have no choice but to break and be put back together better.
I want my kids to know that obeying God and stepping out of what feels comfortable to me was something that their mama strived for.
I want them to know that I don't want to hide from the reality of the world, I want to face it and I want to shine in it.
That night I went over to Jami's blog because I know she speaks such wisdom and sure enough slammed me with something beautiful,
" and then that quote hit me again. safety is a mirage of the living dead. i have lived thinking i am in control of everything. i was dead in my comfort. it kept me from living.
change my heart, God."
Just beautiful. Yes God. Change me.