I need you.
October 31, 2013
I am sitting in my parent's house right now. The candles flicker, my babes are sound asleep in my childhood home and after this quiet moment of writing I will head outside to sit on the same porch swing that I did as a small girl. The soft cold wind blowing in my hair, just a quiet moment alone. I just spent an hour talking about life and faith and heaven with my baby brother and my heart is full. The same staircase that I walked down in my prom dress and the same bed that I slept in night after night. The rhythm in my heart is the same, a familiar peaceful feeling returns. I sat in this same home wondering years before if I would have a husband and babies and all my dreams come true...and now here I sit, candy wrappers and costumes left next to me of the tiny little hearts that fill my world.
One early morning this week Chris sent me a link to watch and I wound up weeping through the video. In a nutshell it was moms saying on camera how they viewed themselves as moms and then they interviewed their kids right after. The moms were hard on themselves, guilty, doubtful. The kids were loved, happy , grateful.
We need grace. We need grace for ourselves.
How many days wasted? How many days that I just shake my head in failure. how many days wasted due to fear and what ifs?
I need to quit buying into the lie.
When Aiden was teeny I used to be so hard on myself about family dinners. Now he is four and we eat family dinners! I needed grace back then.. just because it wasn't quite the right season for that then didn't mean it wasn't in my cards. I wish I had seen that then.
Sleep schedules, bedtimes, meals, whatever the lie is telling you... it's not real. Ainsleigh has this precious thing she always says, " Mama I need you." She says it at bedtime, throughout the day and when she first crawls out of bed. Everytime I smile, "I need you too baby."
They don't care about any of the lies, because they don't see the lies.
They need me.