I need you.

October 31, 2013



I am sitting in my parent's house right now. The candles flicker, my babes are sound asleep in my childhood home and after this quiet moment of writing I will head outside to sit on the same porch swing that I did as a small girl. The soft cold wind blowing in my hair, just a quiet moment alone. I just spent an hour talking about life and faith and heaven with my baby brother and my heart is full. The same staircase that I walked down in my prom dress and the same bed that I slept in night after night. The rhythm in my heart is the same, a familiar peaceful feeling returns. I sat in this same home wondering years before if I would have a husband and babies and all my dreams come true...and now here I sit, candy wrappers and costumes left next to me of the tiny little hearts that fill my world.

One early morning this week Chris sent me a link to watch and I wound up weeping through the video. In a nutshell it was moms saying on camera how they viewed themselves as moms and then they interviewed their kids right after. The moms were hard on themselves, guilty, doubtful. The kids were loved, happy , grateful.

We need grace. We need grace for ourselves.
How many days wasted? How many days that I just shake my head in failure. how many days wasted due to fear and what ifs?

I need to quit buying into the lie. 

When Aiden was teeny I used to be so hard on myself about family dinners. Now he is four and we eat family dinners! I needed grace back then.. just because it wasn't quite the right season for that then didn't mean it wasn't in my cards. I wish I had seen that then.

Sleep schedules, bedtimes, meals, whatever the lie is telling you... it's not real. Ainsleigh has this precious thing she always says, " Mama I need you." She says it at bedtime, throughout the day and when she first crawls out of bed. Everytime I smile, "I need you too baby."

They don't care about any of the lies, because they don't see the lies.
They need me. 

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53 comments:

  1. I saw that video too and it made me all teary.

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  2. beautifully written.. you are so right. I need grace and His help. It's easy to get caught up in all of the things we think we need for our families but then over and over God shows me I don't need much. I just need to love them and hold them and savor every minute with them. I love the way you write, it's just so true and pure. inspiring.

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  3. I love your thoughts about being a mom, thank you for sharing. Your first paragraph about your childhood home has made me homesick too!
    Jill (millee-margaret.blogspot.com)

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  4. Love this. A smile sent to our children goes so far. They need us and we need them. Thanks for this sweet reminder!

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  5. Beautiful, and so something which us mamas need to regularly remind ourselves of. The pressure the world puts on parents (and that we put on each other and on ourselves too) is just wrong. Happy, loved and content kids are the most important thing... dare I say the only important thing.
    When our kids look back on their childhoods they'll hopefully just remember how happy they felt, and have all those amazing memories that you associate with your parents home. We definitely need to stop beating ourselves up about the imperfect moments, there is a lot of beauty it those times. x

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  6. i totally struggle with guilt. if i didn't get outside with parker, if he watched one too many episodes of daniel tiger, if this, if that. great post friend!

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    1. we are totally soul sisters when it comes to being a mama!

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  7. I love your heart!! This is beautifully written and reveals so many great layers of your life. I too saw that video and had to stop it every few moments to wipe the tears away, because I felt like not just one of those moms, but rather all of them. sigh..... Thanks for sharing this post!

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  8. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this post touched my heart, and has brought tears to my eyes. Earlier this week, my almost two year old (tomorrow,*tear*) asked me to rock her because she 'neeeeeded me to'. Then last night when tucking her in, she requested 'snuggle me, mama'.
    I agree completely. It is so easy to get caught up in everything and the way people expect things to be done. I'm learning to step back and realize it's ok for the laundry to sit in the basket one more night. Because I'm not ever going to get those 30 minutes back of her being one, laying snuggled tight next to her in her tiny toddler bed, listening to hear breath so softly, and staring at that tiny little nose and mouth.
    Those are the most magical moments of being a mama sometimes to me. I cannot believe that littler miracle is mine, that she chose me to be her mama.

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    1. oh my goodness this is making me teary, so so sweet

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  9. I love this! One of the things I'm nervous about in coming to Hope Spoken is that there seem to be a TON of stay at home mom's going. That's who I always thought I would be. But where I am is not at home with my girl. Where I am is at work. but God has me right where he wants me and when I pray I know that wholeheartedly. I struggle with that on a daily basis, though. I struggle with doubt that my decisions are somehow not okay because they aren't the same as other mothers who sacrifice whatever it takes to be home with their kids. I worry that my girl thinks I WANT to leave her every day. But the other day I got a great reminder of how she knows my love for her. I have this way of telling her 'I love you' every chance I get and most of the time I do it in this halting cadence: I (pause) Love (pause) YOU!!!!!!! or I say her name instead. The other day, I didn't even make it to the end of my sentence before she was saying it along with me in a "yeah, yeah, I know" sort of dismissive tone. I know that can sound maybe not so encouraging, but here's what God said to me: You can't take something for granted or be all yeah, yeah, I know already about it unless you are absolutely positively sure of it's truth! Thank God for his grace, thank God for his guidance and thank God that my path is about where God asks me to go, not about where he's asking others to go! ...now if I could just remember that for longer than the next 5 minutes that would be great! :) Thanks for sharing!

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    1. wow I love this sooooo so much and need you to come find me at Hopespoken and give me a big hug, promise?!?

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    2. I plan on it! Can't wait to meet you there!

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  11. For the second week in a row, you have basically said exactly what I was feeling but didn't know how to say myself. Thank you for that!

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  12. This is good stuff mama. I saw the video you were talking about. So glad you are being a light for God in this sometimes dark world. I love the way you embrace motherhood and love your babies. I try so hard to soak up every moment with my kids...bc i know they won't be little forever.

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    1. aw you are always so precious to me friend, I sure love you

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  13. Such beautiful words! It's so hard to not be hard on myself for mama things. Thanks for the reminder!

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    1. ugh it really is so hard!!!! thank you friend!!!

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  14. Love this - thanks for being real!

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  15. so beautiful and true!! thank so much for sharing your heart like you do - I always appreciate it!
    xo

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  16. I watched the very same video, friend...and wept through the whole thing too! I actually posted it on my FB page. ;) It brings things into perspective doesn't it. No matter how many times we beat ourselves up, afraid that we didn't say something right...that we didn't say or do enough...that we didn't spend as much time with them as we should have playing, or talking or just listening...the only opinions that really matter are those of our littles. :) And...in most cases, their view of us is so, so very different than our view of ourselves. Our littles rarely remember our "not so great moments", our faults, but mostly, they remember our awesome moments. ;) Love and hugs friend!

    Rachel

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    1. this is so beautifully said my friend :)

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  17. Absolutely beautiful words. Visits to my own childhood home evoke similar familiar memories. I too feel blessed that I am now experiencing childhood through the eyes of my greatest blessings - although girlhood often feels like not that long ago. So many of us are our own harshest critics in motherhood. Thank you for the important reminder...we need to be loving to ourselves too. xxx

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  18. Thanks for sharing! Gives me much perspective.

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  19. I buy into it all the time. I would break down in despair because Delaney came so quickly I was certain I had destroyed Afton's childhood. Then Vivienne came even quicker and I felt twice as bad, because now Delaney was going to lose more than the others; the scary "middle child" phenomena. I would batter myself if I didn't wake up instantly to the sounds of a child crying, or if I made a promise and forgot to fulfill it.

    I have a relative I call Aunt, even though she's my mother's aunt. Her kids have a very strained relationship with her because she was secretly very brutal with them. More verbally than physically, but I've always held this fear since the rest of the family discovered this...that one day my kids would hate me, think I was mean and nasty and hateful when really I love them so so much. I'm hard on them and I know this. My mom was hard on me and I know this. But I love my mom and she is amazing. I worry that my kids won't think I'm amazing when they grow older. I hope, though, that I can be everything they need while still teaching them how to be strong, independent people. If they bloom like the brightest wildflower and stand tall, I think I would be OK with however they felt.

    But until that day, I'll probably always worry if I'm loving them as much as they need me to love them.

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    1. oh mama, its so hard! I worry too. its so hard :(, thanks you for being so sweet and opening up here!!

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  20. this is so true and so beautiful.
    I find that it is the children who know and see and teach the truth.
    the best advice i have ever gotten comes out of the mouth of my seven year old.

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  21. Oh my goodness. I love this post. I saw that video too and wept as well. I am constantly feeling like a failure and it was so so encouraging to see those little faces say what they thought about their mommas. We do need grace and we need to give ourselves grace everyday! "My grace is sufficient". Yes. He literally is carrying me through motherhood and I am sure He would not have it any other way.

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  22. Oh my goodness. I love this post. I saw that video too and wept as well. I am constantly feeling like a failure and it was so so encouraging to see those little faces say what they thought about their mommas. We do need grace and we need to give ourselves grace everyday! "My grace is sufficient". Yes. He literally is carrying me through motherhood and I am sure He would not have it any other way.

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  23. This post is so sweet, I'm on the verge of tears!! its so wonderful to see other people out there appreciating life and just being happy. :)
    xo kristen genevieve

    sunnywithachanceoflemons.blogspot.com

    sunny bloglovin

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  24. This is so beautiful! I'm a new mom of an almost 4 month old little girl who owns my heart. Thank you for the reassurance. It feels like people are judging my parenting skills daily (lady at the grocery store who told me to go home because my baby was crying), and it makes my heart hurt, as like all of us, we are doing the best we can. Your posts inspire me, and I'm so happy that I have found your blog :)

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    1. oh this really made my heart ache, one time a lady said the same because ains didnt have socks on at the store (little did the woman know she DID have socks on but spit up all over them in the car).... anyways, you are doing amazing mama, thinkin ab u right now!

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  25. that was so beautiful and so true! I saw that same video, and it really stopped me.
    Lovely photos as always…Aloha

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  26. I needed to read this today! We need to give ourselves and each other grace! My 10 month old son isn't going to hold it against me if I don't keep his schedule everyday or forget a bath here and there.

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