to be Held.

November 14, 2013



 Dear Aiden, Dear Ainsleigh, Dear Apple.

This week your dad and I have been on a trip and when we were reaching the West Texas mountains and the breathtaking views, the sunlight streaking through the clouds, Chris played me this song (listed above). I had been telling him that so often I feel like everyone around me is just happy-go-lucky existing, just skipping through life and I am stranded fighting this intense heartbreaking battle. The battle of knowing what I have, how much I love it and the melancholy reality that it could be lost. It's a love so deep yet the a heavy burden, a reality, that I could lose it. It's like mourning a loss, a fear, that hasn't even happened. 

Your dad played me this song as God's creation and His majesty just screamed at me. It made me weep, it took my breath away, it moved me in incredible ways. 

My loves... You, alone, are enough.
(sometimes I just grab your sweet faces, put my hands on your cheeks, squish your face close to mine and say that looking right into your eyes)
There isn't a thing in the world that you need to do to earn my love, to prove anything to me, to earn anything from me.... you have it all.
I am the proudest to be your mama, I am honored, thrilled, overwhelmed that I was chosen to be the mama to each of you.

Sometimes the amount that I love you squeezes my insides so deep, I think I won't breathe, I think I won't survive.
I don't want to miss a thing, I don't want to take a moment for granted and I surely want to leave each moment and each day like it could be my last.

My days with you three are gifts. Greater than any treasure on earth. Time is the most valuable thing in the world, I will never ever forget that.

I want your life to be a beautiful adventure FILLED with love and happiness. I want you to have confidence and soar with stability.
I want to walk along side you as you choose a prom dress or the day that you score your first big win. Or the day that you lose. The days that you need to pick up all of the pieces. 
I want to see you choose a college and I want to be there on your wedding day and I want to scream with excitement and jump for joy as you expect your first little one. These are all GIFTS, these moments aren't promised to me yet I long for them. 
I want to walk next to you through the trials and see you find your way.

This life is a crazy beautiful adventure and I want to take in every moment of it.

 photo LINKUPBUTTON.jpg

36 comments:

  1. Le sigh. My heart says these same things.

    Cat wait to hear more about the trip. Xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw does it? that makes me feel so much less alone with all these thoughts friend

      Delete
  2. I love how we can have that overwhelming feeling inside. I sometimes hold my daughter tight and tell her how much I love her, but the love is even stronger than that hug.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I feel this way too at times. Like some people around me skip through life without struggle or facing heartache. It's good to know there are authentic people out there. You're not alone in feeling this way! Beautiful post

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Casey, I love this song. My Aunt sent me this song when I went through my second miscarriage. It's a special song to me. I love you dear friend...I'm walking this mama-hood road alongside of you. We have so much. God is so good. Love, Nat

    ReplyDelete
  5. soo soo beautiful! i LOVE your heart~!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is so beautiful. It filled my eyes with tears.
    Thank you for the reminder. A momma doesn't regret holding her babies too often or spending much time with them. The Lord has given the best gifts within our little families. <3
    Have a beautiful night Casey,
    Kayla
    LoveSparklePretty.com

    ReplyDelete
  7. thank you for writing this down, Casey.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I adore that song!!!!! And I get it. . .every word that you wrote. . .Oh how I get it! :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. always so sweet, casey. you are such a loving mama.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Crazy beautiful life (it is , but how tremendous) ...and the love is even stronger than that hug. (physically you can't touch a heart so intensive). ..Love letter to a child....what a wonderful experience it must be when your children read this many years later.

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's so beautiful how much you love your little ones. I have a very similar personality so I'm sure I'll be the exact same way with my kids one day but for now my husband gets all my sadness at the unknown. I'll just think about what life would be like without him and I'll say something like "please let me die first" and he just looks at me with pity in his eyes and says "honey, you can't control the future. live in the now and stop worrying about what might or might not happen. and I can't promise you that because I'm hoping it will work out the other way around." good advice, but hard to do. It's really about trusting the Lord through your anxiety about loss and that is SUPER hard to do sometimes. Praying for you girl :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. i think, as mothers, we all carry that sinking feeling....that thin line between joy and pain.
    i especially love how you say "you don't need to earn my love"...that they will always have it...a deep fierce love no matter what...i love that, because it made me remember that this is exactly what God tells us! And if HE loves us with a love we can never even imagine, then all of these fears we have...the anxiety and worry that what if one day, we lose it all....think about how HE will hold us, and pick up our pieces and make everything all right. personally, it has been a year of tremendous pain and suffering, but the one thing that keeps me joyful is the reminder that my children do not belong to me, they belong to Him. And so like you, I approach every second of my day with gratitude...even the crappy seconds (and I have four kids, so trust me, we have plenty of crappy seconds!)...but I always remind myself that the place we are all trying to get to is not of this world...it is heaven....and heaven is life everlasting. So whatever happens here, whatever pain or loss we endure, it is but a fleeting moment. One day, we will all be together, forever...an eternity of holding!
    Have a beautiful day today!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is so good. I always knew I wanted to be a mom I just didn't know how much I would truly love it. I just want to soak up every moment I have with them! They grow up so fast I never wanted to look back and say that I didn't give them enough time.

    I love how you turn and cling to God in the mist of your fears and heartaches. Satan voice is gives us worries fear, confusion...it rushes. Gods voice is peaceful, it is calm, comforts, encourages...it is love. When I feel fear or overwhelmed... I stop and ask myself who it is that is talking to me??... I shut out the enemy and run to God.

    Thanks for sharing your heart ... this was lovely!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I get that same sinking feeling about losing my husband. We don't have children, we probably won't be able to because of my health issues but God has given us such a wonderful relationship. But I too can feel just breathless at the thought of ever losing him! Sometimes life here on earth is so beautiful and precious, but it is also so vulnerable and fragile. It is hard to relinquish control of the loved ones in our life over to God, but He is the only reason we have any of these beautiful relationships in our lives. I actually clung to this song last year when we lost my husband's grandmother. I know it is about losing a child, but I never really had a grandmother, so when we lost that sweet woman of God I needed to be held like never before. She had cancer, she suffered so much, but God held her and she never doubted...............and He held us as well!

    ReplyDelete
  15. i can't really put into words this feeling that i walk around with - i try to explain it, but it seems like there are so few people who really GET what i'm talking about. this is that feeling....YOU get it. thank you so very much for sharing your lovely heart and reminding me that I'm not alone. big hugs to you, sweet mama! xo

    ReplyDelete
  16. Just beautiful. I too share your burden. But it's like you've said before- the balance of sadness and joy is one of the most beautiful things about this life. Your ability to treasure the good outweighs your knowledge of what can be lost. I also LOVE that song- such a comfort. I got to see her in concert in Dallas when I was in high school and will never forget how powerful that song was. It really helped me when I lost my dad and I used to wake up to it every morning (it was my alarm song) in college. Thanks for sharing. Bless you! Love you and your sweet family.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Your posts are always amazing to me - but today's just resonates. I love this. I love that you share your heart with us. Thank you, thank you for your voice. Your children are blessed.

    ReplyDelete
  18. beautiful friend, I weep whenever I hear this song. babies sure steal our hearts.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Posts like this is the reason that I adore your blog so much. It really speaks to me; I share those feelings as well. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in this thing called life, but my babies keep me afloat everyday.
    It has been a struggle everyday for me since we lost our little one and then to find out that that was the end of the road for us. I cherish what we have now, but that pain of loss never goes away.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Incredibly beautiful and always needed.

    Held by Natalie Grant is such a perfect musical version of what our hearts want to say and hear.

    ReplyDelete
  21. It may seem like you are alone in how you feel, that others are skipping through life, but as you can tell by the messages ^^^ a lot more people feel like that than you might think. I know I do. This was EXACTLY what I needed to read this morning. Sometimes, this world can feel like such a lonely place but when we share like you have done today, you bring us all together and we become aware that we're not so different after all. Thank you…..truly thank you Casey. (HUGS)


    lauren

    ReplyDelete
  22. Love this. Sometimes I look at my son and just get so upset because I know he's going to grow up and it scares the crap out of me. He's sleeping soundly next to me but I will listen to this song later :) xo

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh, Casey! This is exactly how I feel. You have such a beautiful heart. I'll be praying that all of this and more comes true for the both of us. :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. I love your mama heart. Whole-loving is worth the risk. So worth it.

    ReplyDelete
  25. this is absolutely beautiful casey. you have so much love, and it's truly an amazing thing.

    xo
    jenna
    sweet grace

    ReplyDelete
  26. Oh sister! You've said this so perfectly! As you always do! We seem to have the same feelings on most things, yet you find a way to so beautifully put it, much more eloquently than I can muster. But yes, yes, yes. On all of this. How deeply we love. How painful it is. I am on a new journey as a stay at home momma...after Easton being in school since he was 12 weeks. I TRY so hard to be so grateful for each day, each moment, trying as some may be. With baby #2 due any day now, I really am trying EVEN HARDER to cherish these moments to treat him as an only child just a little bit longer. Trips to the park, Picnics, Bounce Places, Chick Fil A, etc. Spoil 'em rotten. But it's also so easy for life to take over. But I'm trying SO HARD to remember each moment, make each moment special, for us both. Thank you for this beautiful reminder! You are such a beautiful soul!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Beautiful Casey! Those words are what my heart feels when I look at my babies. It is so easy to get lost in the day to day struggles - and I feel the same as you...that everyone else just goes about their days with more confidence than I have. I struggle with "what-ifs" in every moment. Our loving marriages and precious children are gifts from the Most Divine. I purpose each day to stop and just BE...with them.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Beautiful Casey! Those words are what my heart feels when I look at my babies. It is so easy to get lost in the day to day struggles - and I feel the same as you...that everyone else just goes about their days with more confidence than I have. I struggle with "what-ifs" in every moment. Our loving marriages and precious children are gifts from the Most Divine. I purpose each day to stop and just BE...with them.

    ReplyDelete