pregnancy & life after loss.

January 01, 2014



My sweet friend Latonya asked me if I would share a little about pregnancy after loss and I decided to post it here as well. We met last year when Bugaboo sent me to New York for an event and we immediately hit it off. Not too long after she lost her sweet angel at 21 weeks. We talked through it all. It was heartbreaking. Then when she text me to tell me about her precious rainbow baby that is growing inside of her right now I knew instantly the prayers that she would need. The new level of anxiety to walk through a pregnancy after a loss. 

When you lose something that you love so fiercely and so dearly, it shatters all of you. And when you slowly glue the pieces back together one by one, piece by piece.... then, when you are finally put back together... you're different. The scars are a constant reminder of not only what was lost but also what all you have to lose. 

You can love differently. Better.
Because you know it's fragile. 

Life. It's a gift. 
A gift to be cherished, celebrated, adored.




 4 little "A's" still hang from Chris' necklace. A daily reminder that we have 4 precious babies.

The one who didn't walk here along side of me, but that one that forever changed my life.
A brief life yet so much meaning.

I often get asked about how my pregnancy with Apple was after our loss. It was terrifying, it was different. The first two I had a clueless confidence, I didn't realize the fragility of what I had...how it could be gone in an instant with no warning signs. I was glowing and beaming and never for a second thought about anything going wrong before our loss. But with Apple, I carried that. Every sonogram my knees shook in the waiting room, my prayers poured out at night to protect her and keep her with us. I fought fear until the moment she was in my arms.

Not only was Apple our rainbow baby but also a sweet symbol of Hope for me.

A new humility and sensitivity entered my spirit when it came to this subject. As someone before who hadn't known the struggles of infertility or loss- I didn't notice what I notice now.

"If you haven't already gathered, or happen to be reading this blog for the first time in your life, I am a melancholy girl through and through. I find beauty in not only the beautiful things in life, but the bittersweet and sad as well. To me, there is something poignantly lovely about the human experience from its splendor to its grief. God created all our emotions, not just the happy ones, and for His good purposes. That's why a good cry can feel so good. And hitting our limits forces us to look outside ourselves for a Savior. It is in the plea, when we're at our end, that we can find that which is truly life-giving. Personally, my moments of deepest grief, deepest pain, have resulted in the most beautiful seasons in my heart. I've met God more intimately in those moments than in all the other pleasant ones combined. What isn't completely lovely about that?" - Leslie from Top of the Page

The thing about heartache is...it changes your perspective on life.
It makes you softer (if you let it), it makes you more understanding (if you let it), it makes you love bigger and makes you more available to relate to others who share in hurt.

I will forever be changed by his life.

52 comments:

  1. This was a beautiful post! Thank you for writing it. It is so true! A pregnancy after a loss is so different. The worry and anxiety that I've carried was something I never expected. It makes you realize the fragility of life and how precious that life is that's growing inside you! Thank you again for writing this.

    Ashley
    Man and Wife and Two Fur Babies

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  2. Sometimes when you write, I feel like I am right there, seeing and feeling the things you are experiencing, even if I've never experienced them myself. It's a gift, a blessing, and I thank you for sharing the way you do.

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    1. that is so sweet, means a lot to me friend..more than you know

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  3. I experienced a loss last year and 8 wks ago gave birth to my rainbow baby of hope and the way you described the pregnancy is just what I thought. Thank you for sharing

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    1. aw so happy ab that sweet rainbow babe friend, xoxo

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  4. I lost a baby/pregnancy last year and 8 weeks ago gave birth to my rainbow baby of hope. The way you described the pregnancy was just like I could've written for it just more beautiful

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  5. Thank you for sharing your story! I lost my baby at 26 weeks pregnant. It will be six years on Friday actually. Wow, I cant' believe it's been that long, but I can still remember every minute of her birth and loss as if it were yesterday. I "share in your hurt" and I also feel like I share in your strength. Thanks again for sharing such a personal experience with us.

    -Jill

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    1. wow I am so so so sorry friend, it means so much to me that you would share and connect over here. thank you for taking the time to bless me with some sweet words...thinking of your little girl right this minute

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  6. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing, I feel like the taboo on talking about miscarriages only hurts moms.

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  7. This is exactly my experience with my current pregnancy. I lost my last at 22 weeks and although I am not usually an anxious person, nearly each day of the past 33 weeks has been at least touched to some fear. Thank you for so beautifully expressing in words what my heart resonates with so deeply.

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    1. oh my goodness I am lifting you up in prayer right now sweet friend

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  8. This is exactly my experience with my current pregnancy. I lost my last at 22 weeks and although I am not usually an anxious person, nearly each day of the past 33 weeks has been at least touched to some fear. Thank you for so beautifully expressing in words what my heart resonates with so deeply.

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    1. oh my goodness lifting you up right this minute love.

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  9. This is exactly my experience with my current pregnancy. I lost my last at 22 weeks and although I am not usually an anxious person, nearly each day of the past 33 weeks has been at least touched to some fear. Thank you for so beautifully expressing in words what my heart resonates with so deeply.

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  10. Thank you for this! I just lost my second baby at 12 weeks pregnant. A week and a half before Christmas. The past few weeks have been so hard but through it all I have a peace from the Lord. I trust Him to give me another baby, but the fear within me about it happening again plagues me. I know it is Satan whispering to me in the dark. This gives me hope!

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    1. oh my goodness, I am so so so sorry for your loss :(

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  11. What an eye opener. I have to say I've been very lucky with the two babies I've brought into this world. We're now expecting our 3rd, and I have friends around me worried about the possibility of miscarriage, but I couldn't understand why. Now I feel I have a new perspective. Thank you.

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    1. oh my goodness that sweet babe is going to be just fine! congrats friend!!! such a blessing!

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  12. Beautiful post. Talked to my heart on so many levels. I have a necklace with five sweet eggs in a little nest. Three represent the babies that are here with us, and two for the ones we havent gotten to meet yet this side of Heaven. Thank you for writing about this. It takes courage, honesty, and humbleness and I think it is a great depiction of Jesus's healing.

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    1. oh my goodness thank you for these sweet sweet words

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  13. So beautifully said dear friend. Your words always speak into my life - this post is no different!

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    1. you are so precious, this means more than you know!

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  14. Beautifully written dear friend. Your words speak into my life - this post is no different! Even though we never lost our sweet Gavin - I fear for my next pregnancy - I fear loss and another difficult pregnancy. You are such a beautiful soul, thank you for letting your experiences speak to others!

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  15. I am currently in the anxious and fearful state at 13 weeks after losing our baby in a short pregnancy before this. We just got back from the hospital this morning after a scare and the Lord is teaching me so much about trust, about holding this child with an open hand. Thank you for sharing such beautiful words. I love that quote...there really is beauty in grief, so much beauty in being able to hold someone else who's suffered loss and to know, even a little what they're feeling.

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    1. oh my goodness friend, praying right now this minute

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  16. My husband and I lost our precious Jubilee Belle on Dec 5th at 37 weeks. She was due Christmas day. Her sister will be two at the end of this month. The hardest thing for me is giving up the dreams I had of them playing together and being best friends. Aaron and I would like to try again as soon as possible but I know I'm going to have to pray through the whole pregnancy to not give into fear. Thank you for this beautiful post.

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    1. my heart is broken over this, I am soo so sorry. I dont have the words. I am lifting you up right this minute friend, I really mean that.

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  17. this was so beautifully written and just brought tears to my eyes. we lost our niece this past summer when she was 37 weeks and it's so heartbreaking. Thanks for sharing a piece of your heart in this post:)
    xo chelsey

    www.westcoastcapri.com

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    1. oh my goodness i am so so sorry, thank you so much for your precious words

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  18. When I found out we were pregnant (we are due in Feb. with our first) I was admittedly a little nervous. I know so many ladies who have lost their sweet babes and I couldn't stomach the thought of experiencing a loss of that magnitude. I love reading Latonya's blog and was brought to tears when I read about her loss. I remember going to my husband and sharing her story and my struggle with understanding it all. I'll never understand why things like that happen, but I trust that the Lord's love for those sweet babies is greater than ours could ever be. And I trust that his love for us is beyond our understanding all together. He brings us rainbows out of the scariest storms and He gives us incredible hope when we feel incredibly hopeless. His provision is truly beautiful, even in the midst of loss.

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    1. oh my goodness, friend...you are always such a sweetheart with such beautiful words to share

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  19. Since reading your blog, I have fallen in love with you, your husband, and your children. (And I mean that in the least creepy way, promise) I pray most days (that I can remember) that the people I read every day, that their lives are exactly what He has planned for them...and that each person has the strength to realize that they are exactly where they need to be for His plan to be carried out. You are so inspiring and even in the midst of loss, you can still be so uplifting. God has big plans for you Casey, I don't know you, but I can see that He works through you. Thank you for sharing this.

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    1. oh this made me cry! thank you from the very bottom of my heart friend!

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  20. What beautiful words. When I was pregnant I was terrified throughout most of it that something would go wrong, it seems too common and is so heartbreaking often with no seeming rhyme or reason as to why. Beautiful photo too.

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  21. Oh wow, incredibly and beautifully written. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your story with us. I don't know how it feels to lose a baby, but I know heartache - maybe a different kind of heartache, but still a pain that changes your perspective on life. I am so grateful to have stumbled upon your blog, you're such an inspiration, Casey!

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    1. aw that means so much to me, thank you love

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  22. We just lost our baby in October...and the pain is with me still every single day. It would have been our fourth baby. I was finishing my first trimester...and our baby had been gone for 5 weeks without me knowing.

    Thank you for writing this.

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    1. oh my goodness, my heart aches about this...I know that I dont have the right words...I am just so so sooo sorry friend :(

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  23. Beautiful writing and I still carry my two babies in my heart with me that we lost. I lose one in between each of my three, and I fully understand the change in thinking during a pregnancy! Thank you for sharing your heart and feelings, inspiring Casey!

    :)

    xo

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  24. "A melancholy girl through and through..." I'm so glad I read this post today...that is me as well and I've long struggled to find the right words for who I am. Thank you, Casey, for always being so generous with your heart. I hope we can meet one day, perhaps at a later HopeSpoken conference (can't make it this year) or just passing through the same place at the same time. One thing I love about this blogging community is how much God has shown me that I am not alone in what I feel. And I'm so grateful for women like you!

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  25. Thank you for sharing this experience. It's a painful sort of ache that never really goes away when you experience the loss of a child. Your words here are beautiful.

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  26. this post really made me tear up. thank you for sharing and talking about something so personal. I would never wish the loss of a child on my worst enemy and have so much compassion and admiration for anyone who has had to experience it, regardless of the circumstances. your courage in sharing this is so admirable and appreciated. love to you and your family

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  27. Beautiful post <3 My husband and I lost our first baby at 14 weeks... It was a very hard time on us both. We ended up being blessed with a pregnancy shortly after the loss of our daughter. It was a rough pregnancy because I had so much anxiety about if it would happen again. We did make it through the entire pregnancy the second time and our now SO blessed with a baby girl but we still think about our angel baby all the time. <3 My heart goes out to your friend and anyone who has experienced this loss...it really does change your life. But you aren't alone

    Julie
    http://www.artworkbyjm.com/

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  28. I think its so brave and encouraging to see a woman speak out about this, my cousin lost a baby last year, they have a little boy already and before they went for their scan their 2 year old Noah kept saying "mommy the baby is broken". Not only had the baby stop living but they found out the baby was very sick and had consequently made her sick, and her body has been messed up ever since, they are only allowed to start trying 1 year after her misscariage. She hasn't spoken about it alot but I know this completely broke her and her husbands hearts. I can't make her read anything, or find the connections.. But reading your posts has made me see what she has felt.. Thank you for sharing!

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  29. Thank you for your post! I´ve lost 3 children. One before I got pregnant with my oldest son and one right before our youngest son. We started the journey of having another baby and we just lost another child. It´s hard to accept that we weren´t able to meet yet another baby.
    I want to honor their short lives by letting them change me, letting their life impact how I meet other people. The gift of life is a truly wonderful gift.
    And it´s a reminder of the gifts we have been given through our 2 sons.

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