never been mine.

February 20, 2014



"so uncertain is life that any leavetaking maybe forever. we are never sure that we shall have an opportunity to unsay the angry word and have it forgiven. the only safe way is to make every hours fellowship in the household so sweet that if it should be the last it would be a memory without regret."
-JR Miller ( my sweet friend posted this quote on instagram this week and wanted to have it here- love it)

I grabbed his sweet face. Want to know about the morning that I got to meet you for the first time? He smiled. Yes mama. Well, it was 4 weeks early and you decided you were ready to meet me. He cracks a smile again. I sweep the hair across his brow and kneel down close. It's early in the morning, still dark outside and we are beginning to get ready to leave and go meet new baby Luke.

Well, they cut you out of my tummy and brought you right by my face so I could meet you. I was crying and kissing your sweet little nose over and over. You were so perfect and I promised that moment to always protect you and fight for you and love you fiercely.

That moment changed my life forever.

He starts to get a little teary.

Lately I have been able to pinpoint something about my faith. After I had kids is when I feel like I really had to truly hand over all of my trust to Him truly and completely for the first time. Trusting Him before them was somewhat easy. But now..trusting Him with their lives, trusting Him with my life now as a mother....this was all so intense for me. It made it more real. I have always believed but now handing over my trust in such a vulnerable way made things different. Really letting things I had said and believed since I was a child come to life for me in a whole new way. I was living it. It still is intense for me. I mean having faith was an entire different ballgame after having babies. Little pieces of me now walking around and trusting Him in a way that I never had before.

My fears intensified, my mind wandered, my heart ached.

Suddenly the scary parts of this world were so much more threatening and my inability to control it was staring me in the face. I have to place my control over to Him. I have to truly believe with my whole heart that His plan is better than mine.

My heart started to be torn. How could some of these things happen? How could He allow it?

Then I realized something, maybe it is something that I am still reminding myself. It's not about me. I mean some of His greatest men were killed in awful ways in the bible. Job's story alone can make my stomach turn. And that is when I remember that we don't live in heaven and this is a fallen world. I was never promised a perfect story. and everytime I start to let my stomach turn and head down the road of what ifs.... I have to place over my faith and my trust in Him. Day after day.

"My life 
I know it's never really been mine 
So do with it whatever You like 
I don't know what Your plan is 
But I know it's good."


Loving this song so much lately: gives this heart of mine so much hope.


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25 comments:

  1. I LOVE this post Casey! & Also that song, I keep hearing it on the radio, it's becoming one of my favorites =) =)

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  2. thank you. ive been up all night recently worried about my babies in this world. i needed this.

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  3. So true. Letting go is difficult, but so important. Thanks for sharing!

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  4. Francesca here :) love your blog! This made me smile!!

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  5. Tears, this is such a sweet reminder and just what I needed during this season. Thanks for being so open

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  6. You seriously just put what I have been feeling and dealing with these past couple years into words! Love your blog! Thank you!

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  7. I struggle with the exact same thoughts and feelings. Thank you for this post, a great reminder that whatever happens, He is in control.

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  8. So beautiful and so true! Love this post and this song! Have a great weekend with your precious family!

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  9. Absolutely true. When you have children, every terrible thing, every heart ache every booboo, is worse. Everything cuts to the bone. I am with you. It is hard, but our faith blossoms when our children are born and we realize that we can't save them. Only He can.

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  10. I love this, Casey!!! So beautiful and so true!!! Thank you for your perfect reminders. You're the best!! xo

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  11. Purely poetic and true. Thank you for these words.

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  12. So so so true. I never really realized I had trouble trusting God, putting faith in His will, until I had babies. Now it's a daily thing. Remembering that God is good, generous, loving.

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  13. I truly believe as Christians we need to confess Gods words over our children, confess faith out of our mouth, confess life and wisdom to their lives. Satan is like a lion he came to steal and destroy...what a better victim than a mamas heart...we love our babies so bravely...like you we vow to protect them...and you are so right we can't do it alone...we have to cling to God and stand on his word...any time this fallen world tries to come against us...The thing that stands out the most to me in Job is in 3:25..."What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me." Job spent so much time confessing bad things, and fearing the worst ... and not turning and clinging to God that he lost all that he loved...and the most amazing thing about that is that God still lifted him and up and restored his life.

    Loved this post, love your heart, and love how you love your children!

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  14. You sure know how to pull at my heart strings!! :') Such beautiful words and encouragement to keep faith in God and, "come what may, and love it". I cannot thank you enough for always filling my feed and heart with your lovely words!! You truly inspire me and you are so blessed to have God's word and to always share it with no shame to the world! Thank you for being brave and doing so! Much love to you and your beautiful family!! xoxo!!

    Shio :)

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  15. Sooo wonderful, Casey. Thank you for sharing this. Just what I needed to hear today. Holding my girls so tight, watching my words, sharing my affection even more than normal. Your words helped me get there :) Great work, friend. ~Jenna

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  16. Sooo wonderful, Casey. Thank you for sharing this. Just what I needed to hear today. Holding my girls so tight, watching my words, sharing my affection even more than normal. Your words helped me get there :) Great work, friend. ~Jenna

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  17. Everything about this post is so very beautiful.

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  18. Our experiences are so similar, but in completely different ways. For me, it wasn't having babies that showed me how little faith and trust I had in God. It was not being able to have babies. It changed my faith and the way I relate to God dramatically. You're right. The world is not as it should be, and it's scary to realize how little control we actually have. And now that I am a mom (through adoption!), I get to learn these things all over again. It's a little bit easier this time around. Thanks for sharing your heart!

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  19. beautiful, as always! And beautiful photos as well!

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  20. I definitely agree with you on that one! Never have I relied on God as much as I do now that I have a toddler running around. There are days when I feel like I can hardly get through without having a minor breakdown, and this is just with one child! I have a newfound respect for mommies of multiples! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and beautiful photography : )

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  21. Thank you for sharing - love this passionate mama-heart...

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  22. Hello Casey. I have been following your blog and your words and your journey for some time and have so much enjoyed your honesty, your empathy and tenderness. I have just started to join your linky and wanted to say thank you for the opportunity to be a part of that and the blogging community that links us all. Love from the UK!

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