while you are away.

August 26, 2015



There are visual reminders of you everywhere. Sweet little dinosaurs and dragons, little drawings taped by my desk, a jersey by my bed, your shoes slumped by the back door, your empty carseat.

Oh how we long for 3:00. 

I often feel silly or alone in these feelings but for the sensitive mama that is missing their baby off to school for the first time, these vulnerable words are for you. 

Ainsleigh and I say over and over all day, "don't forget to tell Aiden that when he gets home!"
Then she asks every hour how much longer?

The jump from 2 day kindergarten to 5 day first grade is stretching me. It's stretching you. Us navigating all of it together. 

I am not sure if I have ever second guessed my self more than I did that first day.
But then today I feel better. My confidence is rising back up. 

We were walking into church and I had that huge lump in my throat. I had been teetering on the edge of tears all day and knew at any moment the floodgate was going to breakthrough. The huge change of going to school everyday and busy weekends was already creating that anxious feeling in my heart. The huge change of going from us all being together every second to now one of our own gone for such a huge part of our week..... All those sneaky lies " did I make the right choice?" " are we doing this right?".

Recently we did a day of "life maps" with our community group through church and one of the many things that I took away was how much our childhoods shape us, the gravity there. The lies sealed into our hearts, the circumstances, the people we meet and how they shape us, those feelings that are hard to navigate as a small child. I can't help but realize the weight of responsibility in my hands. 

It is so so hard for me to let go of my kiddos. I KNOW it's best in my heart, but it doesn't make my struggle any less hard. Will it always be so hard for me? 

This morning as I was reminding myself of all the prayers and confirmations that have gone into our Aiden's school. A school we LOVE, that he LOVES, a teacher he adores, priceless friendships, the way he thrived last year, a school that shapes souls just as much as they teach education....that He is with him always, even when I cannot be. Those hard situations that happen away from me will help him grow. Giving him that chance to spread his precious wings. Giving him the chance to bless other people and also to learn from them and be blessed in return. 

Even just in 2 days the nervous conversations have faded and the excitement has taken over. Already I can see you beginning to take flight. 

I love them each so much, if I could shield them from everything always I would. I would take every last heartache so that they wouldn't have to. But that isn't how He designs it right? 

He makes it so that we give them the right tools to handle the falls.
Reminding myself its a BLESSING to have the opportunity to watch them grow and move through stages. It's a blessing to watch our kiddos gain their independence.

We miss you my sweet A... hope these school days start to feel shorter for your mama little man!