When I shared our story about what was going on with Aiden, I did so finally because I was at a point where I realized “okay this hasn’t ended, this is not ending up the way that I had thought”….we are still here in the midst of it. And there is beauty in letting people into your circumstances, into the trenches with you as you walk through hard things.

This is my baby.
I can’t even put into words how many nights I have cried myself to sleep. This is the baby I thought I could spare from broken hearts and protect from pain ( I realize I can’t but you get the idea) and even though I have struggled for years with open hands, this was a whole new playing field.

It’s watching your child hurt day after day after day. 

Chris sent me this post this morning and it took my breath away.

There was a night back last spring where My dad, Chris’ brother and a few men from our church prayed over Aiden.
Wept, cried out.
That night will forever impact my heart and I know it will forever impact Aiden’s.

To see your own father, uncle, grandfather and fathers of friends of yours literally weep and cry out to the Lord over you, there is no way it couldn’t do something powerful in him. 

 “That night I saw the power of the gospel at work in my little daughter’s heart through the pain I longed to free her from. Even though she may only grasp it at a surface level, it was a powerful image for my own heart — reminding me how Christ takes our grief, questions, and pain, and infuses life into what would otherwise be hopelessness.” 

 Aiden has had so many similar conversations with me. 

And as I see him be courageous and walk roads I would never have picked for him, I do see God at work in a mighty way deep down in Aiden’s heart.
and forever in mine too. 

 “If we get stuck in the cycle of asking “why” and refuse to surrender and humble ourselves under a God who we won’t always understand, then we will find ourselves trapped in the miserable pit of despair. But if we ask Christ to help us bring our grief to the cross we will be able to rest in faith that God is who he says he is and that he will be faithful to his promises.”

I want to ask why. I want to cry and beg Him to fix it and for Him to take it from Aiden and give it to me. There are moments I feel helpless.

Then I remember, open hands.