on your heart

April 07, 2011

Okay, so before you read this...I had NO idea someone already does a confessions link up?!? I had never seen it before SOO lets change it to "on your heart" link up....
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I am going to start something.

I usually have blog post commitment issues. So I havent yet decided if we should make this a weekly deal, like every Friday. (thoughts?!) But from the responses on the surveys (which thank you thank you for doing that, SO sweet) a lot of you like when I get vulnerable (and what I.w. wednesdays, who knew?!) . And I'll be honest, I like being vulnerable...so it's a good match.
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So my thought. What about a weekly link up called....

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Weekly I can confess what is going on in my heart. Deep thoughts. Where I feel vulnerable. And you can do the same, if you want. 
We can take a moment each week to 
celebrate the hurt, the mess and find the beauty in it. 
(Or you can just read mine!)

So maybe every Friday? Will you join me?

I will start today. 

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Aiden had another scary time with asthma this week. In those moments with the doctors as I walk down the long hospital halls my mind can only help but wander to those children who have 
grown up in hospital gowns. 
The parents whom watch their littles suffer daily.

Those parents who have buried their littles.


It's too much.

A chill up my spine to even write out.....tiny coffins.

Oh how I can feel the anxiety rise as my thoughts even for a moment go there.

You see, my family is in a weird place financially. And people are always asking me why I am not scared/upset/etc. Asking if it effects my marriage. 
If I am stressed. 

I am not joking that my response is
 "so what?"

So what if I lose those things.

Because that is not where my heart is. If I lose my home, my cars, everything I own....
I literally could care less.

But my husband, my kids
that is a different story.

THAT terrifies me. I sometimes catch myself saying.....
"Jesus, please not them. I can take anything....but not losing them. Not seeing them suffer."

remember this post? open hands

Still desperately begging this for my life. I have said before when it comes to money....it is one of the things Chris & I have never argued about (we argue about other things....this just isn't one of them). 
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We see money the same way. It won't define us. It won't decide how many kids we have, if we should follow our dreams or not.

If God calls something on our life He will provide.

But that isn't the issue in my heart. It's holding on to those I love so tightly. 


I am terrified to let them go, to hold them open.

I learned the hard way how to let others love my kids well. How to share my family. But now I am learning how to let God play out the plans for their lives....with open hands.

and for those who have asked about our little A....
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24 comments:

  1. Ok....I love u!!!!! you are so real it makes me sad that I am not completely! Please tell me how you don't focus on money....let me hear it! I need your advice, sweet friend. How does it not cause fights with u and chris?? I want to permanently be that way! (you can email me if you want) keep writing mama...loving it!

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  2. This is amazing! And Casey, I love you girl! How do I do this! I want to be apart of this? Do I put it on my blog and then what? PLEASE HELP!

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  3. have you seen Katy's confessions? she does the same thing...

    http://scottyboyandkatygirl.blogspot.com/2011/03/thursday_10.html

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  4. I am in! I have so much CRAP going on I NEED some kind of outlet. So I will be on board tomorrow.

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  5. thats sooooo good Casey. I struggle with the exact same. I can have nothing, but I SO fear losing my loves. I will totally do the link up too and Im so excited about it its good to be vulnerable with all yall. :) love you!! praying for Aiden!!

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  6. So refreshing to hear the positive things in what could be a depressing situation...LOVE the idea of a weekly post!

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  7. I can completely relate to ALL of this. The fear of losing my little family takes my breath away sometimes. I have to hide it and push it down into the recesses of my heart. I never want to face it. I also struggle with sharing my son. I want to hold him, to love him the most, and to not let him out of my sight.

    Thanks for the vulnerability. I'll be linking up next week!

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  8. I love this idea. . . I am READY to join you, girl. . . SOOO many imperfections here. . . BUT you just sharing your heart is INCREDIBLE. . . YOU. . . INSECURE???? WHAT???? beautiful, talented casey??? and JEALOUS??? oh my goodness. . . even the most beautiful and wonderful people have the same insecurities as the rest of us. . . SO nice to hear! :-) Ha! But more seriously, I have the same fear that you do. . . take EVERYTHING but don't take my Nate. . . oh, I can't even imagine. . . VERY closed fisted in that area of my life. . . God you can have EVERYTHING but don't have Nate. . . Can you IMAGINE Abraham almost SACRIFICING Isaac?? Oh the faith that man had. . . but we are called to "sacrifice" our loved ones every day. . . Lord, I give Nate you YOU today. . . Your will be done because HE is YOURS not MINE. . . I love your heart sweet friend. . . and I LOVE you! ANNNNNDDDDDD, I can't wait to participate in your friday "share!"

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  9. Love this! Thank you for sharing your heart so freely. Honestly, thank you for sharing what you DO fight about!

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  10. I think the fear of losing our children or spouse runs deeply through the veins of any woman. Its such a scary thought. But we also cant control everything(as much as we think we can or would like to:)). Learning to live with an open hand is a struggle for sure.
    Praying we never have to know what it feels to lose one of our precious ones and I appreciate your honesty & open-ness here.
    xo,
    Sarah

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  11. I've said it before...I'll say it again.
    God working through you guys is amazing!

    I am deeply sorry for the hurt your heart has felt this week. Something going wrong with you children is the worst thing ever...

    Praise God for His grace and His hand on Aiden!
    xoxo

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  12. thanks for sharing your heart. these are my favorite kids of posts from you, too. (the jealousy? oh my goodness, my biggest struggle to overcome in life thus far. i totally get it!)

    also, i had to say that i love how your artistic-ness shines through in the text and composition of your posts. all the different fonts, all the highlighting, different colors, different sizes, etc. i look back at my blog that's so normal & boring compared to yours :) i love it!

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  13. I am all for this, friend. I actually have something that's been on my heart this week that would make a perfect post for this...even though it's gonna be harder than heck to actually post. But, I definitely like this idea a LOT!

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  14. I LOVE THIS idea! Will there be a linky party for it? I pretty much always can think of something on my heart that needs to be shared. I like the idea of doing it together!
    I know everything will turn out great for your loved little family.
    (Also, thank you for admitting jealousy over your hubby....I am WAY terribly guilty of this and I struggle ALL THE TIME to not be that crazy gf who stares everyone down with daggers in my eyes!)
    xxx, ooo
    T

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  15. Casey...LOVE this! My husband and I worry about things financially a lot and I love that you put life into perspective. I know that God will always provide but sometimes we need to hear it. I hope Aidan is well and would love to meet you need to set something up with Jessa.

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  16. Thank you for posting. your honesty is overwhelming but in a good way. I hope and pray Aiden will be back to his old self in no time.

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  17. Oh my goodness.
    I have tears in my eyes as I read your words.
    See, we are having similar struggles, especially financially. We've always been in a good place financially but now, all of a sudden, not so much. In fact, scarily so.
    And I love the perspective you gave me. I often say I would live in a tin shed, as long as I had my husband and our three alongside me. And it's true. Money is not where my heart is, and I won't let it be.
    I would LOVE to join your link-up too. And I love your blog... hi! I'm Em xx

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  18. Thanks for hosting! Love your "heart". We are on the same page. :)

    I have a linky going on at
    http://amomseyeview-lulu.blogspot.com/2011/04/blog-post_08.html

    I will feature the first five to link up today, on next weeks blue plate special.

    Hope to see you there! Have a great weekend!

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  19. Can you get more amazing????? I love you and your heart, Casey!!

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  20. If I had kids, I know I would feel the SAME way!!

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  21. i vote you do this every friday :) i love it!

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  22. love this!! totally going to link up tomorrow :)

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  23. Casey just linked up and I am hoping and praying we get to meet soon. Having a sleepover with Jessa. As I was writing I felt myself getting weepy and shaky but it felt so good to put it all out there and hopefully someone will hold me accountable.

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  24. big! I think it's a great idea. there's nothing better than people being real. being able to encourage each other, pray, vent, be real and honest. i love it and i love you. thank you for sharing your heart with the world.

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