addison.

January 12, 2012

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A due date approaching.

I haven't talked about the miscarriage in awhile. I realized something a
couple of days ago... Addison was due march 20... which really for us means February 20. (Both aiden and ainsleigh came a month early.) And then I realized that the Dallas Shine Event is that weekend. Ashley will be staying at our house and I can't think of a better thing to be doing that weekend. So as a due date approaches and will pass, we still remember.

All you mamas out there who have lost.
I think of you often.
A new humility and sensitivity has entered my spirit when it comes to this subject. As someone before who hadn't known the struggles of infertility or loss- I didn't notice what I notice now.

Lots of opportunities for those hurting in these areas to be "stung".
It doesn't sting me anymore.
 I am at a different place- I can celebrate that life now without the sadness I did before. But my mind is constantly on those who are suffering in silent. I can't tell you how many times I have asked christopher "what do you think is the line?"...the line of celebrating a pregnancy and a new life, the excitement and joy and beauty in that... and the line where people are complaining and causing people to feel the sting.

I don't know what the exact line is.

Maybe its just that- celebrating, not complaining.

I remember a friend of mine lost a 3 month old. I remember knowing how horrible it was. But at 23 years old I didnt really grasp the loss. not really. Then when aiden was 3 months old I thought back on her. And then I thought of those complaining how tired they were...and how she felt hearing that. When she longed to hold her little one again.

And how days after my miscarriage that is how I felt reading status updates of gaining too much weight and people annoyed with morning sickness.

Sometimes when I want to complain, I make my mind go there.

In all areas.

It's good to.

It makes you sensitive to the heart's of others.

And that, that is a truly beautiful thing.

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69 comments:

  1. I can only imagine how difficult this time must be for you, but what a beautiful, heartfelt post too! Thank you for being so open and honest...your outlook is so inspiring! Sending a few extra smiles your way during the time and as the date that I'm sure won't be forgotten approaches!

    Liesl :)

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  2. Oh sweetie. My heart ache's for you. Such a beautiful post, I love that you are so positive about it now, that you can celebrate it now. Your truly amazing. xoxoxo

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  3. You hit the nail on the head. My husband and I have been dealing with infertility for over a year now. And I was just diagnosed with thyroid cancer so the treatments will force us to put off any baby-plans for another 18 months. I am trying to prepare myself for the fact that babies who haven't even been conceived will be born will I wait. And while I am so happy for those having babies, it really bothers me when they complain. I would take tiredness and morning sickness in a HEARTBEAT. Without blinking. No questions asked.

    Thank you so much for the post.

    I will be thinking about you and Addison on the 20th.

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  4. we lost our baby yesterday, who we named reese, he/she was going to be our third also. we have decided to release a balloon to send to heaven on his/her due date in order to honor our little baby. prayers to you through your difficult time.

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  5. can really relate to this post. love your honesty.

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  6. Thank you for opening up your heart. As that date approaches I pray that you find peace, strength and comfort in God. You are truly inspiring :) Thank you for being so real.

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  7. Praying for you. It does get easier. So happy to know the Lord and to know when I get to heaven, I will see the kids I didn't get to see here on earth. God is good.

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  8. Thank you for sharing. I'm the 24 year old that you were before you had kids. I can't relate to things like this, having no children of my own, but I appreciate people like you putting things into perspective for those of us who can't understand. This is a good lesson for all of us: maybe instead of complaining about the "tough stuff" we should be embracing our blessings instead. It could always be worse.

    Lisa
    http://confessionsofnewwife.blogspot.com/

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  9. I am a momma to three babies in heaven and one in my belly. I am also a momma stuck in limbo where we don't know if this baby is going to make it because I am almost sure I am miscarrying as we speak.

    It sucks more than people say and miscarriage shouldn't be such a taboo subject.

    Remember Addison is in heaven, whole and well. Addison can hang out with my Riley, Brielle, and Maia (and maybe this baby) until we all get there. So sorry Addison had to go Home too soon.

    If you ever need someone to talk to about this know I am good at listening :)

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  10. I know your heart when it comes to this. I shudder thinking about my thoughts or feelings about miscarriage or what I may have said before, thinking I was being comforting to someone. Nobody truly understands unless they've been through it. Sorry for your loss...but glad that you are at a place where you can celebrate...and thankful for lessons learned.

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  11. I, too, know the pain of loss through miscarriage... which to me is compounded when I hear others compaining about getting fat, doctor's appointments, sleepless nights, crying babies, etc... I would give my all to have that.. all of it. It has been almost 7 weeks and I still cry... every day. I am longing to get to the place where it doesn't sting anymore.

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  12. OH girl, I have been there twice. I still think of those due dates years later. I'm sorry for your pain and loss.

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  13. Thank you for posting this. After a year of fertility-related surgeries, HSGs, saline sonograms, 3 cycles of IUI, one cycle of IVF, failure and heartbreak, I recently got pregnant only to find out it was ectopic. For a little extra salt in the wound, there are nine people around me who are pregnant. I'm thankful that one of them is my very close friend because if it can't be me, I'm glad it's her. But I wish we were going through it together.

    When I see my friends (not the aforementioned friend but some of the others) post on facebook about how miserable they are, I can't help but think about how a perfectly healthy pregnancy is wasted on them. I feel sick and guilty and jealous about it.

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  14. My prayers are with you today Casey :) You are one of the strongest women I have ever seen...and you have truly inspired the lives of so many women. God is using you for so much.

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  15. my little girl's name is Addison. And I agree with you in that I think, although people will complain, I have always felt so happy to have my little one (even though we didn't go through any loss, I've always wanted to be a mama), I never really minded things. I didn't mind not feeling too good during the pregnancy, I didn't mind being tired, I didn't mind breastfeeding, I didn't mind the crying. I was always just so darn happy to have her. I've never lost a little one and hope I won't have to deal with that pain, but I still want to appreciate every single moment with my little nugget.

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  16. I am a mom of 4, all in heaven playing with my Grandma. Unfortunately God has not blessed me with any children on earth, maybe someday. It is tough for me are hearing and seeing moms frustrated with kids, even though I know it is not always an easy job! The other thing that still stings deep in my heart is being asked "when are you having kids". That is wonderful you have plans that weekend, to keep your mind off the pain.

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  17. Your posts are so beautifully written, and this is no exception. I can't imagine the pain you experienced, but you are such an inspiration that you can be so positive about this now-that you can celebrate your angel. Thank you for sharing, and God Bless you and your family.

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  18. i found out last week that there was nothing in my uterus when two pink lines told me there should have been. ectopic and lost. now i'm just waiting for it to be over. i cried and thought about everyone i knew that had lost pregnancies. your addison crossed my mind too. it is truly a very personal type of pain...physical and emotional, as it is. only one who has been there really knows. ...but already, i feel that my capacity to love has deepened. i look at my daughter and realize that in this experiencing this loss and sadness, i've gained new appreciation for the miracle that life really is. so much could have gone wrong, but we are here.

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  19. wow that is a deep and inspiring post! i couldnt even imagine how you feel. i am sorry for you loss but so happy for you gain as well.

    xoxo lots of love lisa

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  20. Such a good word Casey. From one mother who has lost to another, the healing is hard, but it's so much better to look at it through the lense you describe here.

    on a side note- I noticed a lot of the link ups are linked to a blog and not a post. Can we link to our whole blog? I thought it was just supposed to be to a specific post of something on our hearts.. I'm kind of a rule follower like that :)

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  21. praying for you and thinking of you as this date approaches... love you. can't even imagine... xo

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  22. Thinking of you today! You are truly inspiring :)

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  23. It is crazy how much heartache teaches us. You said it so well. I've struggled with secondary infertility for over 2 years now. I don't know if I will ever be able to give my daughter a sibling she wishes for and it breaks my heart for several reasons, but I know God has taught me so much through this journey. I wish more people were open and honest about their feelings like you are! Your post is a good support for people going through something similiar and it helps other people think of different view points, so thank you for sharing! ♥

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  24. I think we all just have to be sensitive to each other and not draw hard and fast lines around these issues. Should expecting mothers be grateful? Absolutely. But they're allowed to be where they are too and voice whatever struggle they're experiencing. I often hear pregnant moms complaining when other pregnant moms are too chipper because "they're not being real." We all just need to let each of us be where we are and treat each other with grace and love.

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  25. In some ways, I think I lost my first little just so I could help others go through loss, too. At least, that's what I tell myself - that has to be God's plan - my loss has to mean something.

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  26. My baby was due on March 23. I lost the baby before finding out the sex, but it always felt like a girl. I will forever remember my little Isobel <3 Crazy how our due dates are so close. I will be thinking of you <3

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  27. i lost a baby a month ago. it was so painful for me and there are moments where something someone says does sting. i think eventually i'll get to a point where it won't be so freshly painful.

    but at the same time i think that women in general need to be sensitive to other women and remember that there are those of us who are struggling to have a baby and we need to be sensitive to each other. obviously i'm not talking about complaining about morning sickness.

    i love reading your blog casey. you are so inspiring and remind me to focus on what's important.

    your bravery for being so open about your miscarriage really challenges me. i've been thinking about how i really need to talk about mine on my blog and more publicly. a miscarriage can be so incredibly lonely but if we women are open about our pain, we can bind together and help one another.

    smappleby.blogspot.com

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  28. I think what you're sharing is the power of perspective that God gives us through experience. It's a wisdom and understanding that can only come through living something. It makes me think of when Christ became flesh (John 1:14) and humbled himself (Philp.2). Thank you for sharing your story, however difficult it may be. I know it helps others.

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  29. So glad you're in a new place now. I can't imagine.

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  30. thank you for sharing this. I take for granite how easily I get pregnant and how easy my pregnancies have been. We only had a scare with our last one and God took care of the details. I can't imagine what you or other women have gone through. A friend of mine lost her daughter at 4 years old and another friends baby died well she was in labor. SO tragic and heart wrenching. We can't explain what goes on in this life. But I know I need reminders to be sensitive to others people's pain.

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  31. I found out last Tuesday that I miscarried my first child. I was 11 weeks. I want to thank you for speaking out and saying what I feel. I still haven't found the words to say, but reading your's gives me comfort in knowing that it does get easier.

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  32. Such a honest post. amazing how our experiences can change us...the most amazing part is how you are honoring God in the process.

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  33. sweet addison.

    they are all waiting for us...

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  34. After the loss of our daughter, Madelynn, I too became so aware of what mommas that lost their babies are experiencing. Things I didn't think of before. I guard my words and choose carefully because so many women do suffer in silence. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your sweet Addison with us.

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  35. I have felt your feelings. I lost one long before I was ever ready to have one. I went from not being ready, to forcing myself to be more than ready and fell in love in a few short months, only to find out 'they can't find a heartbeat'. The most painful words I believe you can possibly hear. In not planning for that little one, most peoples reactions were often that of relief, almost a horrible reaction of 'phewww you dodged a bullet'. I died inside. I died inside, silently. For two years I wept daily about someone I never got to meet, and was never given validation for loving or losing. I watched women younger than me, living degenerate lifestyles, giving birth to babies and neglecting them, leaving them with grandparents or friends while they partied, not breastfeeding because they didn't feel like it, seeing their beautiful baby as a burden. On my due date, I came across a women i didn't know who completely by coincidence mentioned the abortion she had recently had showing no sign of loss or remorse or even acknowledgement of the life she got rid of. I was in shock, in my eyes she was the devil in that moment. Yet expressing those feelings of unexplainable hurt and heartache and resentment both to others and to myself even, were brushed off or laughed off as 'i got lucky'. It has been years, and to be truly honest I think i forgot before I overcame. I thought about that little baby that my body failed for two years, daily. Then one day, just nothing, i forgot. Until years later, just recently, my husband and I had our precious baby son, a gift from God, and i thought again. I felt completely mixed feelings, both a feeling of complete contentment, because in a way it was a blessing that in that tragedy I went on to do the things and live the life that led me to my husband and sweet little boy. A feeling of being given a second chance, and a new little life to love and guide. But also a feeling of heartbreak all over again, knowing that there was another little one just like him inside me that I feel i let down.
    I pray you are blessed with a healthy pregnancy very soon. It was bitter sweet for me. With far faaaarr more sweet. Your words have reminded me of how truly lucky I am, and how I need to cherish every single second that God has given me with this boy because I know what loss feels like, but I also know that my loss is nothing in comparison to the tremendous loss others have faced and I am just so damn lucky, and I need to be ever so grateful for those blessings. Every time I complain about having to wake up at the crack of dawn with him, or everytime I prop his bottle for him while I do something else instead of holding him, I will remember how lucky I am to get those moments I am taking advantage of, and that someone else is dying inside to have that opportunity. Thank you. This is the first time I have ever said these things, or genuinely expressed those feelings into print

    Rai xo
    http://rsdlifestyle.blogspot.com

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  36. Whilst I haven't lost a baby, I was with my sister when she found out her son had died at 20 weeks. Like you this has made me very aware of not complaining about being pregnant. And I always keep in mind my sisters advice to enjoy being pregnant because it doesn't last long in retrospect. Needless to say we have shared many tears over her loss and my pregnancy, but I feel blessed to have this perspective.

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  37. We just lost our second baby at 9-1/2 weeks gestation 13 days ago and today we remember our first angel baby who left us 8 years ago. I had never thought of the due date of my first baby till recent years when my oldest daughter celebrated her baby angel on it's due date. Know that you have always been on my heart since the day you announced losing baby Addison. Big huge hugs to you.

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  38. so true. I am the one struggling through infertility. And to hear this is beautiful.

    I think its the thought that counts the most to me, if you are grateful and appreciate the pregnancy/child than I will listen to you complain without judgement.

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  39. So true! I wish being positive was a natural state for everyone. Why do you think it isn't? I guess you can't know positive unless you first know negative in comparison. I just wish it weren't so hard to fight off sometimes!

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  40. Its so good to put myself in others shoes. When my husband is deployed for 6+ months, or gone (like now) for 3 months at a time. I remind myself over again that it is good for my friends to say how much they miss their hubbies, even if they are only gone for a week. Its good because they love them, and they are struggling too. I also remind myself of my friends, like one girl in my small group, is separated from her hubby for a year. Its good for me put myself into her shoes as well, thinking how I can meet her through my struggles, knowing that because I have experienced this pain, it helps me to encourage in a way that others can't. Your miscarriage, though horrible allows you to meet other women, who've struggled and you can encourage them in ways others can't. A very beautiful thing, to God's glory.

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  41. Beautiful. You are so strong...admirable! xxx

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  42. Thank you, thank you for posting this. We lost our first in September, and while I am so happy for those friends of mine who are celebrating new pregnancies and births, that 'sting' does crop up all too often. The other day a pregnant friend posted a facebook status saying, "I'm so exhausted. Will someone switch bodies with me??" and it took all I could to not say, "Yes please, me." I am so sorry for your loss [and for the others who have commented here]. One thing that has kept me afloat is my belief that we will meet our little one in heaven one day. Another thing that has comforted me greatly is this article [http://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript.php?storyId=5195551] that explains how fetal cells stay with the mother for decades, and can even fight off disease, etc. Knowing that I have a physical part of our baby still with me is such a beautiful thought. Praying comfort and peace for you and your family.

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  43. This was such a beautiful post Casey, and such a great reminder of how we all need to be sensitive to others feelings. I couldnt agree more with you. People complain so freely (and I have too before) without thinking about who our words could hurt. We dont think (often enough) about how others are feeling. This post spoke a lot to me, as did the other ones regarding your Addison. Because I too have gone through miscarriage. Two actually. And with my first one I was told I could die, by from bleeding to death. First I had lost my baby, then I couldnt stop bleeding. And though I wasnt afraid of dying, because I know where I was going... I was just so afraid, saddened really about leaving My husband and my other two kids here on this earth. Thinking about them growing up without me... it broke my heart. It was such a hard day. And though my 2nd miscarriage wasnt as "traumatic" it still hurt. I am like you know, in a better place with it. I know where my babies are. And I know it is a better place than even in my arms. I love and think about them. But still every once in a while I get emotional. I cry for them and about losing them. And its been 5 years! But when I feel that way I just hug and snuggle and hold my kids here with me, closer and love on them more.

    Anyways... I think I totally just rambled forever and now Im all teary eyed. But Again, this is such a beautiful post. Thank you again for writing it!

    ~Maria-Isabel

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  44. Thanks Casey. I needed to read this. I'm not sure if I've complained a lot about my pregnancy, but it's good to be mindful of this. My sister-in-law and good friend both have suffered miscarriages recently. They both wanted that baby so badly and it really has caused me to step back and think about my attitude about my own pregnancy. I know it has been a blessing and I don't want my friends and family who have suffered loss to ever feel the 'sting' on my expense.

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  45. i am so sorry you went through this, but you are not alone. so many women have miscarriages and some do not even know it. im glad that thongs are slowly getting better for you and they will in the years to come. i love having a little angel watching over me:)

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  46. Casey you have so much Godly Wisdome for a young lady, and it is a blessing. It's unfortunate the way you've had to learn, but I think the same can be said for all of us. I'm very thankful for you and your beautiful family and for all that you share about your lives. I think the world can learn a thing or two from you my friend. Lot's of Love to you xoxo

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  47. I haven't personally lost a child. And for this I thank God. But our best friends were pregnant with us and they lost their baby at 27 weeks. He was born. He existed. And my friend had to see me still pregnant, she had to see me welcome my baby and she has to watch me raise her. She handles it with grace, but I know her heart hurts. When I think of Anderson, I miss him as though he were my own. He would have been my godson. My daughter's playmate and buddy. Our children would have grown up together, as close as siblings. And I miss what our friendship could have been, I miss the little boy that couldn't stay with us. And I am sorry for anyone who has to suffer the loss of a precious child. The gift of life is so beautiful and fragil. This is a beautiful post, and I appreciate that don't want to forget the little life that was.

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  48. I'm so glad you posted this. It's definitely something to think about.
    I haven't had or lost any babies, but it is so so frustrated to hear pregnant women constantly complain about their pregnancies. I get it, throwing up is not fun. They're tired and there is pain and it's not always fun. I get that. But there are so many women out there who can't have children and every time they hear a pregnant woman whining about her gift, it must be a stab in the heart. I've been wanting to vent that for a while now, so thanks for letting me use your space :)

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  49. I was lead to your site today :) Before I even looked at your blog this morning, I posted that I had lots of ideas but none felt right. I decided to write about what was on my mind and on my heart. Thanks for hosting <3
    Jen@mamaZEN

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  50. I am also so sorry for your loss. This happened to my mother when I was 11 and it was very painful for the whole family. Thankfully we were blesses with my youngest brother, 12 years younger than me. We are very close and he is very involved in mt kids lives. He was the one meant for us {here}. You are so strong for letting celebration take over for the pain!

    Jen@mamaZEN

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  51. so beautiful! you are just so strong, and my thoughts go out to all those who are still feeling the sting. being 23 now and on the baby talk subject in out household, i feel i won't fully get how this feels until then. but until then i have great humility and a soft heart. thank you!
    xo TJ

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  52. This is a great reminder. I feel like this time of life (the family building time) is one that requires enormous sensitivity to those around us. Everyone is on a journey, and this phase naturally brings things that are more challenging than most of us have ever dealt with. I think you said it really well - celebrate, don't complain. Thanks!

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  53. Thanks so much for this post. It came at a perfect time for me. I almost e-mailed you yesterday for some input on this subject. My best friend/SIL just miscarried yesterday at 11 weeks. It was so hard for me cause I am 16 weeks along. I so want to be there for her and be so careful with what I say. My thoughts are with you during this time. love

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  54. Hello friend. I'm new to your blog and talk about a tear-jerker. I recently found out the chances of conceiving for my hus and I are slim to none. My body miscarriages almost every month.

    It's been a rough road and your post resonated with me. I never knew how present the pains and stings of miscarriage or infertility could be.

    I love your bravery in being open about the subject. When I wrote about it (reluctantly) on my blog, it was like a whole new world of community came alive to me. Special.

    Thanks for writing. :)

    -Julianna

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  55. Sigh... I haven't been there....losing a child, but I've been thinking about those who have, you included and my heart aches. Even as I write this I'm teary eyed because I can't imagine the hurt....the missing... the longing. Oh, my heart.

    Thanks for opening my eyes... to what could sting. I never thought about how ones complaining about how tired I am or how crabby he is...could sting, but I can see how that could because anyone who loses a baby longs to be tired, having a crabby baby...just to have a baby.

    Always amazed by your heart. Thank you.

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  56. oooh, this post just got to me. I am so sorry you're going through this. Know that people are sending you lots of love and support! xoxo

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  57. such a sweet post honoring addison~ xo

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  58. You have such a beautiful heart. I'm so glad that you posted it. I never thought how bad those things could sting, it's definitely something to pay attention to.

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  59. such a great post...i agree wholeheartedly. i think we are given some challenges in our life so that we can later turn and help someone else having the same challenge...god knows our hearts will be softened for them.

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  60. LOVE this post!! Everything you say in the post I agree with and is SO true!

    I think about you often, and hope the aching in your heart become a little less everyday.

    Just think, you now have another guardian angel looking down on you and your family :)

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  61. As someone who has struggled with infertility for about a year and a half, I completely agree. Listening to people whine & complain about morning sickness is completely frustrating. Recently, I even saw someone on Facebook say that they were pregnant, but not really happy about it. I would be sick every day for nine months, just to get to experience a pregnancy.

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  62. just came across your blog and it caught my eye. your original post about loss & heartache posted on another blog. then i found you here. its been almost 10 years ago for me now. March 30th i went in to be induced for my baby that i was 18 weeks pregnant with, just a week before the excitement of the ultrasound i found out the baby had died. she is a baby girl & we named her Naomi Renee. i can still cry about it today, especially when i read or hear of other peoples stories. the pain can be fresh at times, and went on 3 months later to lose another little one...but since then, God has blessed me with 3 crazy kiddos who i blog about regularly, because they make me laugh so much. its hard, when you hit those important dates that remind you...i just wanted to say hello, because i can relate... God Bless... your family is adorable.

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  63. thank you for this. you and your words have helped me more than you know.

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