open wounds.

September 20, 2012

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I sat earlier today staring at Apple...actually staring at each of my kiddos thinking about how much I longed for each one. There was something different this time though, having suffered a loss before Apple.

Maybe a deeper appreciation for my kids. 
I ached for a baby, I longed for her. 
I have longed for each one. and love each one with my life.

I have had a lot of my friends who have miscarried say the same thing that I say now, "I had no idea how sad that would be or how much that would hurt me."

I really had no idea.

After my miscarriage I felt like I was walking around so vulnerable, so raw- just like I had a huge open wound. And everyone kept "bumping into it" and hurting it. (unintentionally) 

but it was open and it hurt.

This whole last pregnancy was different. 
A lot of fear, a lot of longing.

And now....here I sit, holding this sweet little angel.
Like a little sign of hope.   

I have a lot of close friends in my "real" life going through such heavy stuff- all of it looks different but the sadness, the longing, the anger- it all can be related to.

I asked permission to share part of an email with you all, this is from one of my dearest friend's sister- her husband is sick:

"For sure busy days and a lot going on, but I'm trying to take things one day at a time. Some moments I'm good. Some are rough. On me and him. I find myself having times when I cry in the shower or cry myself to sleep BEGGING the Lord to heal him and to not take him from me and other nights, it's a calm prayer of surrender, asking Him to take the "night watch" knowing that my vigilance through the night can't "save him" if something were to happen while we sleep. I do wake each morning with prayers of thankfulness on my lips that I have another day with him by my side. I know we are going to get through this.

I appreciate each of you praying and offering support.
Hold your husbands tight. Love them well. Offer gratitude to Christ for health. I've never imagined having this kind of fear, so be thankful for healthy loved ones. Forgive easily. Offer grace. Say "I love you" often. Health truly is a gift I had taken for granted prior to this."

Absolute sobbing after reading this. Then when I asked Deb if I could share it, this was the response from her sweet sis:

It is something worth sharing b/c this situation has taught me a lesson about life and love. You can be cruisin right along with life and then you get rocked by bad news. I'm more aware of the faithfulness of the Lord because I don't believe He wants me to raise this little boy without his daddy. If it helps someone else or draws someone closer to their spouse and/or the Lord, then absolutely. 

Then, (which I normally don't share stuff like this but it was an encouragement to me today) Deb wrote

"Your blog has definitely become more than just a family memory saver.... You have been given a gift that has allowed you to connect to not only people that you physically meet, but more amazingly to those who you will likely never meet....im grateful that there are people like you that are not afraid to speak of Jesus and who help to remind us just how precious and fragile life truly is......... I'll keep you posted! Hug those sweet babies a little longer tonight!" 
Forgive easily. Offer grace. Say "I love you" often.

Blogs can bring such a beautiful community. they can connect in a really amazing way.

When you have been through things that have broken you, rocked you to your core, changed you....

you may find yourself sensitive to this, 
you understand the importance of loving well and offering kindness.
you appreciate the little things.
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35 comments:

  1. oh dear casey - thank you so much for sharing. I am going to hug my little one extra tight and tell my husband how much he means to me. Thank you for the reminder - my prayers go out to your friend. xo.

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  2. Thank you for posting this. I was absolutely sobbing too. My husband is my rock...I don't think I could breathe without him. He is my strength. I will say some prayers for your sister and her husband. Thank you to you...and that you to her...for sharing and reminding us what's important in life. Forgive easily...say I Love you. Got it!!

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  3. You hit the nail on the head straight on tonight, Case. Thanks for loving me through my biggest and latest rocking...I love you.

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  4. That was so encouraging..just what I needed to hear today, thank you! The link that I posted is not to a post about something that hit us hard, but the advice I share in it is advice that I learned while our marriage was being shook to it's very core. I hope that's still ok

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  5. Thanks for sharing this...its so important.

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  6. Good reminder to take NOTHING for granted...especially family.

    This is my first time linking up, even though I've read the series tons of times. Maybe this time, I just had something to say.

    -kristen

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  7. So beautiful to hear your heart. Everytime I hear a story like this I hug my kids a little tighter and realize what a blessing and miracle they each are!!! So thankful for your precious Apple!

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  8. I love stopping by your corner of the internet because I always feel uplifted after reading the things you share. :)

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  9. Casey - You have such an amazing and strong voice in the community. I love that you have no fear of expressing how you feel and sharing the tough things with us to remind us to live life how God sees it, and to love strong. You have made me realize so much by reading your blog! You make me strive to be a better mother, wife, and person in general. You are amazing & I love you. Stay strong!
    Katlyn ♥
    www.thedreamymeadow.com

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  10. What a beautiful post, straight from the heart. What tender moments that have brought you closer to the Lord. Praying for your dear friend.

    sjdmiller.blogspot.com

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  11. This just gave me such chills. You DO connect to so many of us whom you'll never meet and you do remind us (at least me, but many more) that it's okay to have faith and speak of it and to have love and speak of it and to have struggles and speak of them. You make a difference. xoxo

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  12. Beautifully written post. I just discovered your blog by way of the Bleubird blog and I am hooked. Your honesty about your road ahead and the path you've traveled. I have a newborn at home too, and it's been very hectic and trying at times while I am adjusting to my new life as a mom. Your post reminds me to love and revel in this time while he's little. It's too short. And I am truly blessed to be his mother. Thank you for sharing your story with us readers.

    -Charlotte

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  13. Keep speaking about Jesus because we all really need more of Him.

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  14. Love you Casey. . . love your heart. . . so so thankful for baby Apple and for you and all of your kids! :-)

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  15. I love your blog and your beautiful heart, thanks so much for sharing your emotions and giving hope to us..Although I am a muslim I think and pray exactly like you and in the end aren't we all praying to the one and only God? I will show my love to my husband more and pray for your friend's husband..And you have the loveliest kids on earth, may they have a long and healthy life full of joy and happiness!

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  16. You sweet sweet lady.. Casey, were here for you. I am. Praying and hoping for you.

    xo

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  17. So So true Little Mama..and people need to experience and see Jesus more then anything these days. That's why I appreciate being able to see him shine through the lives of people. Our testimonies are our greatest witness to others. I'll be praying for your friend. Lot's of Love xo

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  18. This is beautiful. Thank you. Sometimes it helps to be reminded of the important things in life.

    www.domesticatedworkingwoman.blogspot.com

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  19. to see the name of Jesus in the midst of such beautiful truth words is a refreshing gift. Thank you for this, for perspective, for eyes opened to see the gift of husband and kids, and yes, health. Prayers for your friends.

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  20. Casey - I've been following your blog for awhile now, and today's post really struck me. I have been blessed with 2 beautiful children, both easy pregnancies. Found out in June we were expecting our third child, and just last week we were told that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was 16 weeks along, and the devastation has been unbearable at times. We had no warning that anything was wrong, both my 8 week and 12 week scans were perfect.

    It is so beautiful to see your healing through your posts, and to see that the Lord blessed you with sweet Apple.

    What your friend said is so true - you CAN be cruising right along and then suddenly your life gets so rocked you can't believe it. Thank you for sharing, and thank HER for sharing with us.

    http://mirandahahn.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-lord-is-close-to-brokenhearted.html

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  21. As always, thank you for sharing. You will never know how much your words mean to me. :)
    Praying for Deb and her husband

    xoxoxo
    Sarai

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  22. I loved this post. I've never lost a child and never had to watch a family member struggle with sickness or illness that threatened to take them away from me. I can't imagine the pain and the heart ache that comes from these circumstances. What I do know, is that stories like this...posts like this...make those of us who have been fortunate so far hold their husbands and children a bit tighter and be a bit more grateful for our blessings.

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  23. This was great thank you. I felt the same way when I miscarried you wrote those emotions down exactly as I felt them.

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  24. Casey, wow I have to tell you I couldn't even read the email in this post because of the fear in my heart. So I can't comment on that, but I will say this post really brought me back to how much I love my baby girl.

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  25. I'm sitting here at work as I read this but now all I want to do is go home and hold my husband and cry. I have not been loving him well, but what if I found out today he was close to death and I only had a few more moments with him? Or I get a call today telling me he died on his way to work? How much regret would I feel? How much pain for not loving him better? God, help me to love my husband better, to extend more grace, to see him with Your eyes and to love him endlessly.

    I needed this, not because I'm close to losing someone, but because I never know how close I am to losing my husband. He deserves grace because he doesn't deserve it at all. Thank God for his perfect grace.

    Please thank your dear friend for sharing her heart. Thank you.

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  26. Hi Casey,

    With every word you write I feel my heart string being tugged a little. You have an amazing gift of being able to just share your story with the world - and inspire hundreds of people while doing so. Every post and every word I find myself staring at the computer screen just saying Thank you. Thank you for giving me a reminder to love a little harder tonight. Thank you for writing posts every day that make me think outside the box, that inspire me. Thank you for being you! And thank you for sharing you story everyday, and thank you for letting all of us share your thoughts.
    Thank you.
    I have sent my Boutique 108 package your way today. I hope you get it soon <3

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  27. Casey, thank you so much for sharing your heart. I'm so sorry that you had to go through the pain of that miscarriage. After trying for about five months, my husband and I lost a pregnancy this past June. We took a couple of months off to heal up physically, but every month when I realize we won't be expecting again yet, my heart just breaks. Reading what you wrote during your experience and knowing that it is OK to still be hurting from it has helped me to cope. For now, I'm thankful that we have a beautiful, healthy son and I keep praying that one day he will have a little brother or sister. Hang in there and know that you're helping others to heal as they watch you heal.

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  28. Oh, Casey! Thank you for sharing a bit of my story. It really has been a tough and scary journey, especially having all of his heart issues happen while I'm pregnant and have only 6 weeks until I deliver our first baby- a boy! I am so, so thankful for your prayers and for the prayer warriors that read your blog. I am touched as I read through the comments. Love and blessings to you and your~ Cindy (Deb's sis) p.s. I've always known, but really need to remember, I can pray or I can worry, but I can't do both. Each day I have to choose prayer, cuz the worry breaks me down. oxox

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  29. beautifully said....so amazing and inspiring :) thank you

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  30. So, I just got homefrom spending the evening cleaning out some of my parent house. I lost my mom in October and my dad in April to cancer. Basically my dad could not live without my mom, and he completly gave up his fight. I fear every single day of something like that happening again. Thank you for your encouragement in faith. I know God is good, and with faith, I can get through the terrible days.

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  31. Strength brings natural beauty! tHank you so much for sharing! Ever since I had my daughter I'm this HUGE fan of Crying. This one really got me.
    I just posted your button to my Blog
    I love your blog so much!!
    -Jesika
    www.withlovejka.com

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  32. Congrats on sweet Apple...she is beautiful and you look great! I hope you will get out and vote this November...the state of the country is near and dear to my heart as I'm a mama as well...
    Take care!

    -Jane

    www.votehimout.wordpress.com

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  33. Thank you...and your friend Deb for sharing this. This has been a year of pain for me and my family as well. It's true, that you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for each moment that you have (good and bad).

    I'm fairly new to your blog, and have already fallen for the honesty and sincerity that you share.

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  34. thank you for this post, it was such an encouragement to me as my husband and i have struggled through some personal things lately. thanks also for that great reminder to forgive much and give grace and to say "i love you".

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