hope & lost babies.

April 11, 2013

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The night that I published Wednesday's post, I sat at my computer...looked through each photo with the song playing and the sweet, hot tears gently poured down. 

I am just so overwhelmed with gratitude.

These three kiddos.... what they mean to me... it's almost painful. The love is so deep that it is (at moments) terrifying.

And I looked at Apple.... my rainbow baby... and I just praised God for her precious life. 

Tonight an email came in....

"I've been reading your blog for years, absolutely love everything about it and can really identify with a lot of your writing. At this moment, I feel like I have no one to talk to, no one who understands what I'm feeling and I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this brings back sad things. I just don't know what to do with myself. On Monday I found out that our baby was dead but my body still thought I was pregnant. As I type this, I still feel like I'm dreaming and I'm writing about a nightmare I haven't awakened from yet. Everything is a dream. I feel so numb. So dead and empty inside. I don't want to do anything. I just sit on my porch and stare off into space, not really thinking about anything yet thinking about everything. I don't know how I'm going to survive this. I feel like I don't have a friend in the world right now. I pray for God to be so close to me, but I've never felt Him farther away. I feel so alone. And I guess that's why I'm writing you. Because I know you went through this and I just need to know how you got through it because I don't feel like I can. All I want is my baby back, but I can't. And I feel bad writing this to you because you don't even know me but I don't know what to do. Or who to say this all to. There aren't even words."

My heart is broken. 

I know these emotions all to well. 
I know the tears, the sadness, the anger. I know the scream. 
There have been very very few moments in my life where the most raw, heartbreaking scream has unashamedly poured out. I couldn't have stopped it if I tried.

Being pregnant and giving birth to Apple was a whole new experience after losing a baby. I knew the delicacy this time. I appreciated her life on a whole new level. 
and how easy it could be gone. 
I wept at sonograms. 
I was forever changed. I would never look at certain things the way I had before ever again. 

HOPE

I rest in hope. 
that all these sweet babies are in heaven now.
that they escaped the sin & heartache of this world and went straight to the feet of Jesus. 

They say that everyone worships differently. 
We all are moved by God in different ways and are inspired in our own ways that are unique to us. I am the type that if I see a beautiful beach or a snow covered mountain.... if I watch a beautiful film or hear a lovely song.
I rejoice in Him.
Those things move me. and those are moments of worship for me. 

Looking into the eyes of my little ones is the same. The beauty, the uniqueness, the true wonder in their spirits- it moves my soul greatly.

And Apple. I rejoice in her. The symbol of hope that she is.  

A quote from a beautiful offering:

"Psalm 56:8 says that God keeps our tears in a bottle. I find great comfort in believing that He is close enough and cares enough to catch every one I have shed. Maybe from that container of His love, God tenderly refills the oceans of our souls after we've cried them dry."


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 (my linky tools is be wacky tonight) - leave your "on your heart posts" in the comments if you want :)

67 comments:

  1. love this. i celebrate my 1 of 10 in the world baby girl every single day. we need to celebrate everyone. xoxo.

    my on my heart post:
    every day is a tiny little life
    http://www.ahappygirl.com/2013/04/every-day-is-tiny-little-life.html

    xoxo.

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  2. Hi my friend :) You know I admire your heart and your love for your babies so much. It says so much that someone would share their story with you.Iit breaks my heart to know that anyone suffers or feels so deeply wounded. It's nothing we could ever explain, or wipe away with words. Like you though I have a great faith that any baby who leaves this world goes to be with our father in heaven. I hope there is comfort for this young lady in that knowledge as well. Lot's of Love xo

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  3. Casey, i love this post & my heart is aching. We had a friend lose a baby this week & there are no words. But the words that you shared are true and beautiful. Thank you for blessing us tonight!

    Here is my heart post:
    http://www.suziestudios.com/2013/04/12/the-beauty-will-return/

    Love connecting with you ladies!!

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  4. Casey, I love this post & I love your heart! We had a friend lose a baby this week and there are no words. But the words that you shared are beautiful and true. Thank you for blessing us tonight!

    Here is my heart post:
    http://www.suziestudios.com/2013/04/12/the-beauty-will-return/

    Love connecting with you ladies!

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  5. Being a mama whose experienced the same loss 3 years ago, it's nice to know we're not alone. There's so many other women out there who "get it". Thank you for this post. Thinking of my sweet child tonight.
    Abby
    www.omamas.com

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  6. Before I was saved, after I had my son Alaka'i at 19 I got pregnant again when I was 20 (living in sin) and I had a very painful miscarriage because my ex beat me up and then I lost the baby. The pain that I felt physically from getting beaten was nothing compared to the deep pain in my heart and soul for the lost of my little one. I wasn't more than 4 months pregnant but from the moment I was pregnant, I knew I loved that little soul. I still think about him (I think it was a him, in my heart I feel like it was a him) every single day and miss him and feel that ache in my womb, where he once grew. I look forward to seeing him in heaven one day, where there's no pain and just love... I can't wait to meet him (or her) and tell him how very much he was loved. http://www.whatjeanlikes.com/2013/03/memory-triggersloss-abuse-pain-hope.html

    thank you so much Casey for sharing your experience, heartache and loss because it's given women like me the courage to speak about our own and reading the hope you have is so comforting because I can relate so much to every sentiment you used. I look forward to getting married someday and hopefully giving my son a brother or sister. God bless you mama!!

    Jean {What Jean Likes}

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  7. I remember too. I wish I could hug the person who sent this to you.

    Tonight, instead of leaving my blog, I hope it is okay to leave this site here, a website and online magazine for loss parents, written entirely by loss parents from all over the world. http://stillstandingmag.com

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  8. Thank you for writing this post, you are so brave.

    And here is my heart post this week

    http://lifeinskinnyjeans.blogspot.com.au/2013/04/a-new-name-new-address-and-my-feelings.html

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  9. I don't know if we ever met, but I knew your husband in college. Coworkers of mine are going through the exact same thing your reader described. Thank you for posting this. It gives those of us who can't understand a small glimpse into the magnitude of pain one feels when they lose a child

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  10. brought tears to my eyes! i hate that far too many experience this

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  11. Oh My heart breaks for this woman. My son's heart stopped beating 7 & 1/2 years ago and I still have not forgotten that feeling. I still had to give birth, my body still went through the postpartum transitions, but I didn't get to bring my baby home. Today, I hold my 7 month old rainbow a bit closer than perhaps some feel I should, I give in to his whimpers for attention and his demands for feeding and snuggles. I will never regret being "that mom".

    To this precious hurting woman, I say talk about it, share your story. The TEARS Foundation has a Facebook group that is private, you can share your story and grieve openly, without judgement, and with women who can empathize and offer emotional support. Also, Held Your Whole Life is an organization that will make necklaces for mommies of babies who never took a breath; it will be personalized according to your request.
    You don't have to through this lonely and dark time alone!

    I send my prayers.

    Secora

    www.sparrowsandrainbows.blogspot.com/2013/01/not-sparrow-falls-story-of-my.html

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  12. Beautiful.

    On my heart tonight:
    http://ettu-tutu.blogspot.ca/2013/04/well-here-i-am.html

    -Lindsey

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  13. This, Casey, is why I read your blog! Thank you so much for your beautiful hope filled words.
    I lost a baby 3 years ago when I was 7 weeks pregnant after 3 long years of waiting to get pregnant and IVF. I remember that all I could hold on to was 'hope', and the knowledge that my baby wouldn't have to face the trials of this life and be with Jesus.
    A year later I got pregnant again, and now I have the cutest 8 month old little boy, who really is my baby of 'hope'.

    here is a post I wrote on hope:
    http://michaandme.blogspot.nl/2013/01/living-with-hope.html

    and another post I wrote on a different subject, body image after pregnancy:
    http://michaandme.blogspot.nl/2013/04/for-soon-to-be-or-new-mama.html

    xo



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  14. Your words are beautiful Casey. The line " that they escaped the sin & heartache of this world and went straight to the feet of Jesus" is my favourite. That's beautiful, not only for the mama's who have lost babies, but for the babies who have lost mama's through abortion. Those babies are with Jesus too.
    I'm sharing some words on kindness.
    http://www.nadinewouldsay.com/2013/04/put-it-on-and-wear-it-out.html

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  15. I don't know the scream intimately. My heart goes out to anyone who has experienced this. While having babies only my sister lost a baby. Not one friend. But, my daughter's have had to experience it with friends and they were so frightened at the beginning of their preganancies. God bless.

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  16. What an amazing post. thanks for sharing and I hope you find what you need to the lady in the e-mail. I know its tough I went through the same thing and since then I learned to live with myself again, and I know now it wasnt time to be a mother and things weren't right in the world at the time. When the time comes again im sure you will be the best and most caring mother, I know I will.

    With love,
    Stephy Penny
    www.stephypenny.com

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  17. "I rest in hope... If I see a beautiful beach or a snow covered mountain.... if I watch a beautiful film or hear a lovely song. I rejoice in Him." Thanks for these words, that echo some of my own this week... http://bluelikethat.drakeink.com/2013/04/09/i-gotta-keep-praising-your-name/

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  18. what a painful and terrible thing to go through that doesn't seem fair or right. we went through two years of infertility with one loss this last summer/fall. it was the most painful thing I've experienced. I am now 27 weeks pregnant and each day am in disbelief that we will be having a baby. I still have so many fears about her growing strong and healthy, but I trust that God is in control. I too get scared almost at the amount of love and attachment I already have for her.

    http://forlaurenandlauren.blogspot.com/2013/02/our-story.html

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  19. A Beautiful Day.

    http://www.laurenrebecca.com/2013/04/a-beautiful-day.html

    and beautiful post Casey.....xo

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  20. your words are so beautiful and so is your heart. you have touched the lives of so many women, and it inspires me to be more open and raw in my writing.

    tulips & prayers: http://www.beautyinhumbleplaces.com/2013/04/tulips-prayers.html

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  21. I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a child, but I came very close one time. My child was born with a cardiac defect and we watched his heart stop once after his repair. I am very blessed that my child is doing well and would never wish what I experienced to anyone. My thoughts to you and your reader who is hurting right now.

    My post, a kind of boring one about my kiddo's health at the moment. But I love it, he is really triumphing after a rough fight. http://charlotte-joy.blogspot.com/2013/04/a-long-winded-update.html

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  22. I lost my son a few months ago (I was 5months pregnant). Your blog Casey, was the first blog I opened when I finally got out of bed. It is an amazing gift that you have to touch us mamas in such a special way. Although I do not know you, I find comfort in your words and I hope you know what a special gift you have. Just as the mama who sent you the email, found comfort in your blog, so do I. My prayers go out to that mama and all the others who are hurting. Thank you, Casey for sharing this space with us.

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  23. A friend sent me your blog after I lost a baby in early February. This feeling of loneliness is all too familiar to me and can still overwhelm me at times. I've found hope in hearing other people's stories and hope this mama will too. Our story here:

    http://mrsnu10.blogspot.com/2013/02/a-healing-journey.html

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  26. I got pregnant when I was 17, 7 years ago, and I miscarried at 8 weeks. Looking back I guess I was so young to really understand all the emotion that I should have felt. I was scared and confused and very overwhelmed by it all. And today I feel completely different emotions to what happened. Sad, but I know that it was in Gods hands the whole time. Looking back now I see, like you said in your post, "that they escaped the sin & heartache of this world and went straight to the feet of Jesus." Today I have 2 beautiful healthy kids, ages 5 and 2, and I am so blessed that I have them in my life.
    God Bless you Casey! So glad that you are hope for so many women out there who have gone through such a loss!
    xoxo,
    Jenny

    http://moeandmanny.blogspot.com/2013/04/kade-joseph.html

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  27. Today my heart sinks heavier than usual. As a designer at a church, I have the responsibility to make "Celebration of Life" slides for funerals held in our chapel. With every slide made for a child, my heart hurts. This week, I made a slide for a 10-month old girl I had been praying for. I don't know the family personally, but a few of my good friends were close with them. But, this year my momma's heart is way too sensitive to even go to that funeral. I lost two babies (at 7 weeks & 5.5 weeks). My heart still hurts, and we're about to restart the trying again. It's your blog, Casey, that inspired me to start blogging myself. In hopes my story and authenticity would help inspire others. I wasn't brave at first when I wrote this. But slowly I had friends share it for me. And I had a handful of ladies just messaged me and encourage me.

    http://ashleybeatrice.blogspot.com/2013/03/im-terrible-person.html

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  28. My husband and I are recovering from our second miscarriage in 5 months.

    http://pikesplaceblog.blogspot.com/2013/04/another-loss.html

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  29. Thank you for sharing your story and your faith. I thank God almost daily that I didn't lose my oldest babies. My twins were born premature and were very sick. I remember the doctor coming in and warning me that they might not make it through the night. But they made it. And they still have a lot of health challenges. But I am thankful everyday that they are here with me.

    This is my on your heart this week-
    http://julieiscocoandcocoa.blogspot.com/2013/04/painted-toes.html

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  30. Casey, I wish your blog would have been around when I had my miscarriage. I deal with things, worship God, and see the world the same way. And having a miscarriage was one of the hardest things and the greatest pain that I've ever been through. Some people didn't get it. Some people. And I feel and hurt for anyone who goes through the same thing. I loved the quote you added at the bottom with the Bible verse. SO beautiful.

    This was on my heart this week...

    http://annapolisandcompany.com/2013/04/i-took-her-on-a-date/

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  31. My first baby I ever conceived is in Heaven and since God has blessed me with 4 children and one more on the way .I know it is not to be taken for granted. love to to those who have had this loss.
    This is what is on my heart today:

    It can be easy to think that if we can't offer our children the "best our culture as to offer" either because of the size of our family or other reasons that there is no way our child will be successful in life. But maybe our problem is not with a shortage in our pocketbooks but a shortage in our hearts, maybe we need to redefine what we see as success for our children. Come by the blog to hear more on this topic.
    http://www.make-something-beautiful.com/2013/04/no-shortage-here.html

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  32. I so appreciate your openness. I believe God is using you in mighty ways to reach out to those who have experienced the same thing.

    http://www.naturallycarly.blogspot.com/2013/04/feeling-stuck.html

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  33. Thank you for reminding me to cherish the small moments, they pass so quickly but hold all the "good stuff"

    This is whats on my heart this week
    http://openspaceskendra.blogspot.com/2013/04/growing-its-process.html

    Kendra @ openspaces

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  34. Thank you for this beautiful reminder of how precious life is. How we need to cherish every moment and never give up trusting God to grow and protect us.

    here is what is on my heart:
    http://openspaceskendra.blogspot.com/2013/04/growing-its-process.html

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  35. I send moms who have lost littles to your blog when they are grieving...thanks for being so open and sharing your heart-God has your story in the palm of His hand-thank you for having open arms about your story. I' reading "A Beautiful Offering" right now-).

    http://sweatpantshighheels.blogspot.com/2013/04/picking-up-cheerio-pieces.html

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  36. Casey, I just want to express again how helpful your writing is!! The raw community you have built here has helped me in a different way than most women. I haven't even been pregnant yet and sometimes I feel young and naive. Most of my friends have had two or three kids by now. Most of my friends have slowly pulled away since they had their babies. Almost all of my friends from college have babies and I feel further separate with every new baby they have. I'm not in their momma's "club" (facebook group) yet because I don't have a baby or I guess I don't understand the challenge or what it's like. That hurts too.

    Also, I have some very near and dear friends, the kind that are like sisters, that have had miscarriages. I never knew what to do other than cry with them. I love reading and hearing your perspective because now I know that is enough.

    So anyways, thanks again for sharing... I think anyone can relate and appreciate your story. Your bravery in sharing just really inspires me to do the same. Thank you so much!

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  37. This post brings tears to my eyes. I work in Labour & Delivery and the moment you tell that woman that her baby is gone, is the worst thing in the world. I sit and cry with them and hold them. They ask me why? And i have no answers. I am glad that she had the strength to reach out to you and share her story. It breaks my heart and as I write this i hold back tears. It breaks my heart every time I have to tell a patient this. I carry these moments with me forever. Those angels are in heaven and are looking down on us smiling. May that woman and other women find peace. Thank you for sharing your story and hers.

    Agi:)

    vodkainfusedlemonade.com

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  38. I appreciate your honesty and openness.

    this week i'm pondering friendship. and it's hard.

    my struggle with friendship. Any advice welcome!

    http://journeyofadreamer.com/coffee-date-friendships/

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  39. You are such a blessing to these beautiful women and their heartache. A real angel.

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  40. so much grace and compassion in your heart and words!!

    here is my post:
    http://justbeingtiffany.blogspot.com/2013/04/its-not-about-me.html

    xoxo

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  41. you are such a blessing to these beautiful women and their heartache. a true angel.
    http://www.bohoblack.blogspot.com

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  42. I get emails from women a lot sharing their story of miscarriage when they find out about ours, and while I'm thankful that God is using our story to help, I can't help but sit and cry with and for them every time.

    This is what is on my heart this week in light of the emails I've received and in light of the email from the hurting momma who emailed you:
    http://www.heathersdish.com/1/to-have-hope/

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  43. you are such a blessing to these beautiful women and their heartache. a true angel.
    http://www.bohoblack.blogspot.com

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  44. I love this. This was a blessing to read. You are a blessing to so many. Thank you for writing this.

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  45. beautiful post. i can also relate all too well...

    http://thesmoreslife.blogspot.com/2013/04/bedtime-stories.html

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  46. beautiful post. i also know these feelings all too well...

    http://thesmoreslife.blogspot.com/2013/04/bedtime-stories.html

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  47. Beautiful words. Your blog is such a blessing. Thank you for sharing- that e-mail from that poor mama made me cry.

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  48. You just brought tears to my eyes. I understand. And, I am sorry for all the pain of a lost little love.

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  49. You just brought tears to my eyes. I understand. And, I am sorry for anyone who has lost the little love of their life.

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  50. Romans 12:12 Be joyful in HOPE, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

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  51. I used to work for an ob/gyn. My first month there a young mama came in @ 16 weeks along...doc could not get a heartbeat which led to an in office ultrasound....having 2 kids of my own at the time (blessed with 4 now)my stomach bottomed out as I heard the blood curdling scream coming from the ultrasound room....her baby was no longer living. My heartbroke, I was sobbing at my desk.....I have never forgot that pain. Although I have never lost a baby I struggled at one time to conceive. Her loss affected me and still I remember today her scream. My heart breaks for mommas and daddys who have to endure loss. Casey you are such a treasure! Blessings my friend!

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  52. I lost a baby a couple of years ago. It was the most heartbreaking time of my life. I was so sad and desperate. I felt that even if my family and friends were trying to support me and understand, they just didn't understand how broken I was. I felt alone with my pain. I cried for a long long time, I mourned that little life that could have been, not knowing what to do with all that love that I already had for that little angel.

    I tried to get on with my life, and even if my heart wasn't into it at first, with hope and time, it became less and less painful. But I think it will always be a little painful.

    Now I am blessed with two amazing little boys and I can honestly say I have never been more thankful in my life, for the love and joy that they bring me every single day.

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  53. I never had the strength to share my miscarriage story. You should be proud of yourself x

    http://www.violetlulu.blogspot.com.au/2013/04/on-raising-sistersand-our-newest-newborn.html

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  54. This is so so beautiful! Your writing and how you connect with your readers is amazing, so thank you for always sharing. Here's what's on my heart:

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  55. Just beautiful, Casey. Such a sweet soul you are. :)

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  56. this post was so perfect and so beautiful. it so perfectly and eloquently expressed how I feel about my 4 month old daughter, after my own pregnancy loss in 2011. it inspired me to finally write about my miscarriage - finally. thank you.

    http://www.sloaneybaloney.com/2013/04/pain-tears-hope-fear-and-love-my-story.html

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  57. I just do not have words good enough. Glibly can say been there along with a cousin and a sister-in-law and myself. They are never forgotten. I do have the wonderful son that would have been physically impossible otherwise. God is Good.

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  58. as a mommy who had her rainbow baby only 12 weeks ago, I think this post is perfection - perfectly written my dear.

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  59. I pray these babies are guardian angels looking over us.

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  60. Casey, thank you for your beautiful blog -it's a lovely haven of hope in a grimy world
    xo

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  61. I love your blog. I do not think I have ever commented though. I feel for this young lady and anyone who has ever experienced this heartache. I have a 4 year old, and then a loss, and then my rainbow turned 2 on Easter, just 6 weeks after our 2nd loss. I was 14 weeks and just breathing a sigh of relief that the dreaded first trimester was over. I was and still am in shock. There was nothing found wrong with my precious and perfect baby. At my 12 week ultrasound I was told everything was measuring right on and looked great. I never thought it would happen after that. The book Heaven is for real has been so healing for me and has answered so many questions I've had. Thank you for your blog.

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  62. this is such an immense pain, and it hurts to go there. I have been helping a friend through this, thank you for putting it into words.

    My share is my own experience of pain which has helped me feel the joy in the ordinary and everyday.
    http://hennablossom.com/?p=1764

    xo

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  63. Casey I can entirely relate. I had two boys and then a miscarriage. After my miscarriage I got pregnant with my daughter. After having her she was in the NICU for a week. She is five months old and we are in the PICU as I type this. There is such a sense of delicacy with her and you put it perfectly in your post.

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  64. I just recently had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. My heart was broken. This blog is so inspirational. Thank you for posting about something that is rarely discussed.

    www.itsanalliedsy.blogspot.com

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  65. I love this post. I just recently had a miscarriage in march and it was so nice to see I was not alone. This is a struggle unfortunately others also endure. Thanks so much for sharing.

    Http://itsanallieday.blogspot.com

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  66. hits home. praying for her. whew...

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