a two- ba left behind & thoughts on motherhood.

May 09, 2013

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I have written often of Aiden's beloved two-ba. This sweet blankie (pillowcase) has gotten him through many nights, many tears and swirled in the wind through many playful moments. It took ship with him as he played pirates and was a cape as he played superheroes. It has been everywhere with us. and has been cherished so dearly. 

It's so bittersweet to even type this out. 
and I would be lying if I didn't admit to you that with the sweet song playing, I have been sobbing just writing out these feelings. 
Over the past three months two-ba has slowly and surely been left behind. There are rare moments when he asks for it. 
But they are rare now.
I find it crumpled in a corner long past bedtime and I have realized that his need for two-ba isn't as strong anymore. Part of me wants to scream no and cling to that tiny baby boy he once was. But the majority of me loves watching him grow and change and soar. Stretching his wings. His independence is slowly emerging and through something as sweet as a tiny blankie, two ba... I have begun to prepare my own heart. 
Because someday...just as his beloved two.ba, he won't need me so much anymore.

Yes, he will always need me in ways. But they will change. 

Open hands.

Us mamas...
we wake up early, we tend to every need.
We cradle them in the night and we whisper and hold them close when they are afraid of the dark shadows in the hours when the world is sleeping.
We walk through the halls of our homes checking each bed, kissing each forehead... only hearing the small squeaks from our toes as they run along the long, cold floors. I often run my fingers slowly through their hair as they are off in a dreamland of slumber.

Us mamas.
We kiss their ouchies and we rock them to sleep with a lullaby.
We teach them how to be and how to love.

We show them what to live for and fight for...
we start out as the tiny voice they hear in their little minds. 

We love fiercely.
We fear fiercely.

We beg God for protection and gasp for air when we think about how vulnerable our hearts are now forever out in the world walking around in other tiny bodies.

Us mamas we take these tiny fragile innocent beings.... and we raise them, and love them and fight for them in every battle big and small. 

Being a mama hurts. Loving something so passionately and so fiercely hurts.
But it is so beautifully rewarding & life giving. 

Time. It gives and it takes. 

Happy Mother's day.

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30 comments:

  1. Love this post. Trying to press in well during hard moments & finish this mama race well! (I mean, I'm more towards the beginning but still...)

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  2. Happy Mother's Day Casey! Your sweet little babes are so blessed by your love!

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  3. i love this post sooo much casey! it is soo beautifully written! austin has a little "spencer" blankie he sleeps with every night and loves soo dearly. it will be sad when he crumples him up in the corner one day. :(

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  4. Precious and swift these mama moments seem to fly. You're right time does alter their needs. My babies are 8,11,13,15,17 and oh so sadly 20 now. With the oldest getting ready to be married and the next one going to prom in a week I find strangely I am needed almost more because of a love and a friendship we have developed. But oh how I ache for those tiny people again. I held to it, savored it and yet time still did not linger. I absolutely loved this post, it pricked my heart and allowed me a bit of time to remember those days; and appreciate the young people and adults they have become.

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  5. happy momma's day, Casey! this is beautiful... just like everything else about your blog and life!!! so lovely. XO

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  6. Aww! I'm sure being a mother is a very very unique and fulfilling experience. :) Happy Mother's Day, dear!

    x
    Tagg

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  7. Beautiful words, they gave me goosebumps. And so true about motherhood, we spend years being their everything in preparation for the day they leave us behind. But it's an amazing priviledge to be part of helping them grow. x

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  8. Breaks my heart, too, but what else can we do? Just wish I could turn back and freeze time whenever I pleased... You are such an inspiring mama, Casey, and you're doing a beautiful job with your babies. Happy Mother's Day to you!

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  9. i am so thankful that you share these feelings, casey! i have only been a mother for 9 months and already i am terrified of the future, and for how many times my heart will be broken over booboos, hurt feelings, or gosh, going off to college. i'm at least glad to know that my feelings are normal :) xoxo

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  10. love this, mama.
    happy mother's day! xo

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  11. This was absolutely beautiful Casey. My son just turned three, and I can see that independence rising in him... slowly but surely. It hurts as much as it is beautiful to watch. Happy Mother's Day, and thank you for your words.

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  12. Me has dejado sin palabras...cuanta verdad...ahora mismo a mi también me duele el corazón...gracias.

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  13. So sweet. And so true!! This reminds me of a book I read to my daughter called If I Could Keep You Little. I can hardly read it without getting emotional, and the first time I read it I sobbed like a baby!! You should find it, I'm sure you'd love it!

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  14. Beautiful! Happy Mother's Day to you too Casey! You are a wonderful Mother! These children are blessed to have such a patient, sincere, giving woman in their life! Enjoy these moments with them! As I know you do! I'm certain the days can get long, but enjoy. I'm having a hard day dealing with guilt of working outside the home. I got to see my son an hour yesterday, TOTAL. And this morning, I left before he was even awake. Enjoy these days with them. Treasure these moments!

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  15. You are SUCH a role model to me. I am not a mom yet, thankfully at the age of 22 I'm not nearly ready, but I'm a nanny and hope so much to be a mom one day. I read your words and am so inspired to love the kids i nanny the way you love yours and also to take your words and save them for a day I can apply them to my own children. Thank you for being such an inspiration and role model. PS All 3 of your babies are just the cutest!!

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  16. Casey - I could not agree with you more. That clutch I get in my heart in the middle of the night when I wake up and can't sleep and start worrying about all the bad in the world and how it could so easily touch my utterly defenseless daughter. A four year old has no concept of all that is out there, but we do, and that is why having a child is, to me, the most vulnerable position you could ever put yourself into. Take my life, have whatever is going to happen, happen to me, but please God...don't let anything bad happen to her. And then I realize what I have just said. I asked God to protect my child, as if he hadn't already written her life before I even started mine. As hard as it is to do, I know that she will live the life he intended for her, and I will have to abide by it. We mother's where given such a wonderful gift, these children that have been entrusted to us, these lives that have been loaned to us.

    Motherhood the best thing that could ever happen to us!

    Happy Mother's Day,
    Donna

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  17. Happy Mother's Day Weekend to you and your beautiful Family!!! Aiden looks so much like your Husband in this Picture :) He will be such a little Lady's Man, I mean he probably is already haha :)

    xoxo

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  18. Such a beautiful and amazing mother's day post. Wow. Happy Mother's Day, beautiful lady, beautiful friend, beautiful mama. This is so wonderful.

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  19. What a beautiful and heartfelt post Cassie. Happy Mother's Day to you as well, :)

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  20. I so appreciate your honesty and openness. I'm reading this with tears in my eyes as I nurse my six month old while sitting in my four year old's bedroom waiting for him to fall asleep. That constant struggle as a mom...waiting to hold them so close, but wanting to see them grow and become wonderful little people. Glad I'm not the only one in this exciting journey!

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  21. thank you for your openness and honesty! I could've written the same thing as I sit here nursing my six month old while waiting for my four year old to fall asleep. There's such a constant balance in motherhood...wanting to hold them so close and keep them little but also wanting to see them grow and become wonderful little people. Glad i'm not the only one trying to find my way through this incredible journey God's blessed us with!

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  22. A friend of our family lost their son in a car accident just after Christmas. Today, as a fellow mom & sister in Christ, my thoughts are consumed by her. Hugged my babies hard & long today- knowing that God didn't promise us that anything in this life would be easy- rather it would be more difficult if we truly seek to follow him. As a mom I hold onto the truth that in the end, all of the hurts in this world will come untrue. He holds unimaginably great things for us one day- no matter what life holds for us here.

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  23. Hmmm...was just thinking the same last night as I looked at my son's prized monkey that he left laying on the floor. The monkey that he needed each night to help him fall asleep, and the same one he cried over if it was left behind somewhere...only last night, he didn't need it. It's starting, and it makes me sad, and I had the thought of "Oh no! He doesn't need it anymore....he's growing." Makes me sad and happy at the same time.

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  24. this made me tear up... so beautiful and sweet! i love aiden and his sweet little heart... it's so fun watching him grow. xo

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