holding the now.

June 27, 2013

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I spent my birthday this year at my parent's house since Chris is gone and it was incredibly special. My brother is in law-school and living at home so he was camped out in his room (that I remember him in as a little 6 year old) reading & studying away. I put Apple in a pack-n-play in my dad's office and then Aiden, Ains & I slept in my room that I grew up in. 

I have only spent the night a handful of times since I got married and there is something so sweet and so nostalgic about curling up in the same bed that I would daydream in as a little girl. I prayed for a husband and for little babies in that very spot years before. 
Most people as they grow up are desperate for the next thing, ready to move on... I have always been a little slower... more holding on to the now. I sobbed the first time that I shaved my legs. It wasn't the actual shaving, it was that things were changing and I just wanted to stay a little kid. 
I guess I am a bit slower at adjusting to change.  
But despite that, I have always longed to be a wife and a mama. 
I have prayed my whole life for a family of my own that I could pour my heart & soul into. 

And there I was... 
lying there with these tiny sweet souls that I wished for, hoped for and wondered about in that very room. 
I prayed so desperately for a life full of love and family. 

I was still in the quiet of the night, staring at my old glow-in-the-dark stars still stuck to my ceiling above my bed and pictures still above my old desk. 
I am different now. So so different. Yet still so much the same. 
Two little people sound asleep... I rolled over, looked at their sweet faces in the light from the moon and the street lights. It almost felt like a dream. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was the little girl playing house and running down to my brother's room to make a silly music video? 
For a moment, my heart ached a bit... ached for how time goes... it gives and it takes.
How soon before they are raising little ones of their own.

I guess it will be a constant balance for me grasping onto the now and letting it go. Enjoying this incredible season and being okay moving to the next one. 

I miss Christopher desperately. He was so sweet and sent my favorite ice cream cake and flowers to my parent's house. I woke up to my dad's world famous pancakes and my mom made the cake that I have requested every year since I was a little girl. We spent a good majority of the day by the pool and the day as a whole was incredibly lovely. 

I am a sucker for birthdays and "special days" and everyone made me feel super loved. 

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kid's shirts c/o: of one sea // 
Casey's necklace was a gift, Monogrammed & so beautiful from Golden Thread

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21 comments:

  1. I had my 1st experience spending the night with my husband in my childhood home with our baby daughter last summer. It was different, but somehow still so much the same. I completely understand where you're coming from here, Casey. So glad your family made your birthday a joyous occasion for you despite Chris' absence. The photos are adorable!

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  2. awwww what a sweet post!! glad you got to spend your bday at home! must have been soo soo special!

    xo,
    Sandy
    Sandy a la Mode

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  3. What sweet memories~ then and now! I am so glad that you have family so close and so able and willing to support you while Chris is gone. He sounds like he is doing great and so are all of you! The kids look as cute and happy and busy as ever. And you sound like you are grateful, happy and soaking it all in. This time. This place. These moments. SO precious. I'm right there with you on the fine line between the holding on tight and just living it all out and being thankful that one day we will look back on the blessings that we lived- even though so many are a blur they happen so fast! I have a daughter whose heart sounds just like yours. She cries each time there is a milestone of her childhood marked, or as she anticipates what is yet to come. She just wants to freeze life "right now". Our family will celebrate "Coke Float Day" on Sunday, where we remember Teagan's last Coke Float with Daddy just one month before she died. We make new happy memories as a family each year on that same day she did with him back in 2001. Your stories of being in your room and having the emotions wash over you are some of what I feel on occasions like this. So special. So happy to have them and yet realizing how it's all just a moment in time! I would have loved a big piece of cake and the opportunity to give you a big birthday hug! I hope you have many more days to celebrate all the big and little and chocolatey blessings that God pours out and into you. Love to you and your dear family. Always! xoxo

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  4. I'm so glad you had a wonderful birthday. Trips home are so interesting for me now. It hits me in the face every time how much has changed, but the familiarity of the room I grew up in, and that we sleep in when we visit, is such a comforting, surreal place. I'm a new follower and really enjoying some of your archived posts. Thanks for sharing your heart :)

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  5. Thanks for hosting the party. Happy Birthday.
    Angel

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  6. Happy Birthday Casey! I love your blog and this post made me very emotional. I am having my second daughter tomorrow and i feel just like you whenever I go stay the night with my daughter at my parents house. I feel like a little girl whose dreams came true. Thank you for such a beautiful post on the night before such a big day tomorrow. xoxo

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  7. Happy Birthday Casey! I love this post, it made me get emotional. I am having my second daughter tomorrow and I feel just like you anytime I stay the night at my parents house with my daughter, I feel like a little girl whose dreams came true. I love this post on a night before such a big day tomorrow. xoxo

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  8. I'm so glad you had a wonderful Birthday! You and I are so much alike, it's crazy. Although I missed Dave desperately while I was home with my parents for two months and he was getting started here in Alaska, I loved that precious time with my family and sleeping in my childhood room. My little brother was home from college for a few weeks and one night the whole family watched a bunch of old home movies. As always, I was the sap balling at how fast time moves and how sweet and little my brother used to be (not that he isn't sweet now, but you know what I mean.) And yet, at the same time, I wouldn't trade the now for anything. I adore being married to the man I dreamed about when I was a girl and am still dreaming of someday soon having some precious babies of our own. Some days life moves way too fast, but it's so nice to find the joy in the little everyday occurrences, makes it all move just a little bit slower.

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  9. This post is so sweet, it really speaks to my heart. You have such a wonderful way with words- thank you for sharing your gift, sweet friend :) And a very happy birthday to you too! xoxo

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  10. I'm so glad your birthday was good even though Chris wasn't there! Such beautiful pictures, it looks like it was a fabulous day!

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  11. happy late birthday sweet lady <3 your photography & perspective is beautiful.

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  12. Hope you had a wonderful Birthday!

    There's nothing like being home that brings you back to a wonderful place.

    .:Marta:.

    Thanks for hosting another link-up as well :)

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  13. such gorgeous photos!
    I love the ones of Ainsleigh with flowers on both sides of her face.
    happy belated birthday!
    www.floralandfudge.blogspot.com

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  14. This is so sweet. I am very much like you and have had a lot of these same feelings lately - getting married is such a huge change and I'm normally not too comfortable with it. I was literally staring up at my glow in the dark stars in my room a few weeks ago with my husband next to me and thinking the same thoughts as you. It's so sweet to know that even though time keeps slipping away from us we are just getting closer to being with our Savior:) Happy Birthday sweet girl!

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  15. Happy Birthday sweet friend! What a perfect way to spend the day.

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  16. You are SO beautiful Casey. So beautiful and SO loved. Happy belated birthday!!!

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  17. i am so glad you had a wonderful birthday, gorgeous lady! you deserve it. a lot! and gosh. i have always mourned the passing of time more than anyone else i have ever known and i don't know why, but the way you wrote about it i completely relate to. i have cried for birthdays and on new years eves and so many times where i was just so aware that life was moving forward, ready or not. graduations and weddings and tv show finales, ha! i am a savor-er and sometimes i just want to push pause! also, there is nothing like your childhood bed :)

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  18. Happy bday to you! Your thoughts on living in the now are just what I needed to hear. I'm married but don't have babies yet and sometimes I get caught up thinking about the future, but I need to enjoy NOW while I get to focus all my attention on my husband.

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  19. Happy Birthday! What a beautiful post. I've never been one to rush the days away. Now that my children are teens, I'm learning how fast the time really does fly and I'm so thankful that I was able to enjoy each step of the way and not rush it along.

    I stumbled upon your blog from one of the bloggers your husband is interviewing for American Blogger. I couldn't resist learning a bit more about the project. It sounds like a great experience for your husband, and I can't wait to see the finished project.

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  20. happy birthday!
    I know that feeling all too well...I've cried on multiple occasion while changing my 8 month-old daughter or hugging my 4 year-old son. Seeing them grow and change so quickly is almost painful to watch...but at the same time it's a happy thing. I'm right with you as far as change is concerned.

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  21. Happy Be-lated Birthday Casey!! I'm glad that you have wonderful family around to be with while your love is away :) I couldn't even imagine what you are going through! I can secretly say that I am obsessed with my hubby a little bit, I just love him so much, he truly is my best friend! But it's wonderful to see what beautiful growth will come to your marriage through this distance, it will only make your love stronger :) Beautiful pics as always, I just adore your photography! You inspire me to be better with mine of my kids! And speaking of photography..... I went on your hubby's site and saw all his GORGEOUS photography, he IS SO TALENTED!! I wish I lived closer I would've totally hired him to take our family's portraits!! Thanks for letting me ramble, I just adore you and your cute family!!

    xo,
    Shio

    www.sweetnessaboos.blogspot.com

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