Lost Babies. sweet redemption and hope.

July 25, 2013

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My sweet Apple's first birthday is approaching next month and I have so many thoughts of our pregnancy with her, the longing for her after our loss. The deep desire to have have her. 
I needed her. and I longed like crazy for her.

I had started this post a week or so ago and read this post tonight and it stirred so much emotion inside of me. This sentence. Oh my goodness:

I thought to myself, Windland was and is my child, a small spirit that I want to blow a kiss to.

So many times people refer to loss and miscarriage like it wasn't losing our baby. I grieved that loss so much more intensely than I ever imagined. There was so much rawness and just floods of emotion that surrounded that time. I really can't describe it.

Whether it is your first loss or your fifth. Whether you have no kids or five kids... it is a terrible, terrible loss that I wish no one ever has to experience.

I never imagined creeping into my second trimester that I would lose our sweet babe. 

I never imagined being so embarrassed to admit in my "real life" that I was hurting so bad. 
It was so much easier to write about it. 

I had a friend lose a baby recently. Every time I hear those words or every time I see an email in my inbox, I can instantly understand what they are going through. 

A loss, a death that is so sad and so deep....it truly can't be described until you are there. I will never forget that day in the sonogram room, the feeling of emptiness. 
The drive home. 
The d&c.

I remember standing up after the d&c thinking...how can this be?? I had my sweet babe safely in my womb & now it is empty. why???

All those dreams for that sweet babe. All the thoughts and prayers and excitement for that precious life...how can they all be taken so quickly?

I ached after that loss. I wanted to be strong but I ached. 
I rejoiced over those two healthy precious babies at home and told myself that if that is all God had for us, I was truly blessed and thankful. 

But God had a plan for us. A plan better and different than I would have imagined. 
Our sweet Appie. 
That pregnancy was so different. It was so raw, so emotional. I knew what I had to a different degree this time...I knew better this time...I knew how quickly it could be gone and I was going to let myself feel every bit of it. 

I let it all flood in and all flood out.
I prayed and sang and talked to and for this sweet one. I cried at sonograms and shook through appointments. I prayed like never before. 
I begged for her safety. 

And now know it was her all along..my appie.

This sweet one is so precious. Everything about her sweet spirit and sweet self is such a gift. Everyday I rejoice over her sweet sweet life. 
I wouldn't have it any other way. She was supposed to be.

Praise God for sweet redemption and hope. 

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28 comments:

  1. I'm going through this now - pregnant with our rainbow baby. We lost a daughter last year at 16w and I'm struggling with finding the joy in this pregnancy. I'm in my third trimester and finally felt safe enough to buy ONE new outfit. I can't bring myself to even think about any type of nursery or any other baby gear.

    We are adding boy #5 to our brood (I have 2 stepsons) - can't wait for my youngest to have a little brother but am deeply mourning the loss of what will probably be my only daughter. Never imagined myself NOT having a girl and here I am. Finding it much harder to move forward from than I thought it would be.

    Thank you for always sharing your feelings - it's reassuring to hear others stories.

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    1. We too are on boy #5, I have grown a family of six Little one's in Heaven. I lost a girl at 16 weeks 6 years ago and a twin boy the last pregnancy. I feel that raw burning, and fire in my heart of wanting a girl. I have had a really rough pregnancy this go, the Drs. have even told me not to get attached to my Little Man growing and wriggling inside of me. Next week we will celebrate 24 weeks and will be considered viable. We are so thankful to God for all he has given us, and yet I find myself feeling this burning desire for more babies...

      I am so grateful for Ladies that will share and DO share their loss's. Loss was such a hush hush topic, and I really feel there are places to speak about it now.

      Praying for a healthy and safe delivery for you Miranda.

      Thanks to you Casey for being so open with all of your thoughts and feelings.

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  2. she is beautiful. I can't believe how fast the time goes.

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  3. Oh Casey. I lost our first baby back in March just shy of 11 weeks. Your strength in sharing your story gave me the strength to share my own story on my blog: http://www.travel-babbles.com/2013/03/eventually-i-will-be-okay-just-not-today_19.html

    The support then, and the messages that still continue to trickle in from women who have been there, or women who are going through a miscarriage still shock me.

    I feel like I could have written this post. The emptiness, the fear ... I took immediately to my blog, because I didn't know how else to deal with the raw emotions, I just knew that I had to let them escape from my heart.

    You're 100% right when you say that the pain "truly can't be described until you are there". My friends and family were supportive, sure, but it was complete strangers who had actually experienced the loss of a baby who reached out to me and shared their stories, who helped most in healing my heart.

    Continue to share your story Casey, because you never know whose soul you are talking to. You give me hope in what is supposed to be, will be.

    xoxo

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  4. Your words are beautiful, and I needed them today. We lost a baby (our first) in March and I still grieve every day. Today we visited my best friend in the hospital after giving birth to her beautiful baby girl (also her first), and my heart was tangled in emotion - so happy for their family, so in love with her beautiful little girl, and so sad that we won't experience that with our baby. Maybe someday we'll be blessed with another opportunity (though our circumstances may make that more difficult now), but we'll never replace our first baby, our angel. Thank you for sharing this today.

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  5. I know i talked to (cried to) you a little bit about this at influence last year, but I can so relate to this. Its an indescribable feeling, this pain...and I know every loss is difficult...every precious baby that has passed of an expectant mother is horrific experience, but I never ever thought in my 2nd trimester I would have to experience that. I just thought everything was fine. Naomi was my first, so I was naive. And I was induced and got to hold and bury her tiny 6 inch body. All i remember is waking up in the middle of the night crying while jeff held me, or going to bed crying and realizing that even though other people had experienced this, nobody could really know how this felt. I remember crying out to God, because I kept thinking if anyone could understand the death of a child, he could. Afterall, he gave up his son willingly to die for me...So thats all I could do.
    My naivety turned to paranoia my 2nd pregnancy and when i lost that one earlier on, I almost felt relieved. I was so scared for it to happen again, I just wanted to get it over with.
    I havent talked about it alot, but mostly of the grace of God and promises of God concerning having children...but one day I hope to expound a little more on the tears... Thank you for always sharing about this so freely...
    Last month, I did end up having another early early miscarriage =(... The tears were there, and I didnt tell many people, but Im still confident in Gods goodness and hopefully soon will be adding another precious baby to our family. xo
    (sorry I wrote a book)

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  6. This is so beautiful and so powerful, Casey. Keep sharing your story sweet friend, you are moving mountains. <3

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  7. oh my love. love you so so so much.

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  8. so thankful for you and your sweet apple and your willingness to share your heart!

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  9. This post is beyond words. You are amazing. You are brave. You are strong. xo.

    .:Marta:.

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  10. Casey this post has me in tears. We lost four of our babies and it does just forever change who you are... after going through that i just look at the little ones we do have and absolutely know they were meant to be here. You're so brave in sharing your story and I just know you're touching so many women! I haven't' commented on your blog much but i'm kenjiandjen on instagram :)

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  11. You are amazing. Seriously, every time you just put your raw emotions out on your blog, you inspire me. Peace to you and Chris, and all your sweet babies.

    -Chelsea
    chelsandthecity.blogspot.com

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  12. Every time you talk about your loss I cry. I'm so sorry that happened- but I also got chills when you talk about sweet Appie:) Praise Jesus for his sweet love for us and gifts like your precious babe. Thanks for laying your emotions out for us and having the courage to trust that Jesus will work big things through this blog because He is! You've already touched my life so much! I want all of the best things for you guys!

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  13. Those feelings of loss resonate with so many people, including myself! But, I am thankful that you can reach so many and show that even when it hurts, there are people that understand. I've written on my blog about our loss and living life after, trying to be more intentional and loving well, because like you said, now you know what you've got.
    -Heather
    http://heathershomemadegoodies.blogspot.com

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  14. Tanta dor, mas a vida não é feita somente de alegrias. Você vai melhorar, e só o tempo pode ajudar. Sua bebe é linda! Beijos
    http://antonellaesuaboneca.blogspot.com.br/

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  15. Oh Casey, thank you again for your words. They touch my heart and help me to know everything will be okay. You are amazing, my friend. <3 xo

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  16. Thank you for sharing this. My hubs and I have been trying for 4 years for number 2...it's been a lot of heartbreak and sadness, but also SO MUCH JOY. Thank you for openly sharing your rawness.

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  17. Beautiful words. I've never felt loss the way you have, and I can't truly understand the raw emotion surrounding it. I'm blessed with my girl and thankful for her everyday. I suffer in a different way, not being able to conceive again. But I've always trusted that if it was in God's plan we would, and that has brought me peace. And everyday I look at my daughter and know that she is what God intended for us.

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  18. Awe, that was beautiful! I'm sorry for your loss, it's nice to hear such honesty. Appie is beautiful and congrats to you!
    Xx
    Mariely

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  19. You are a blessing, Casey. Hugs! :)

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  20. I lost a baby last year, and now am pregnant. Even though I am a Christian, I resent the fact that many people talk about their pregnancy losses as though they were "meant to be" to make room for the new child that is so desperately loved and hoped for. There is so much love in God's heart, and an unlimited number of resources. Heaven is not a waiting room of souls that have an expiration date, like "Oops! Mom is pregnant now with another one. Guess Apple will have to go to a different family or she's about to go bad/she will never exist." If you hadn't lost your first pregnancy, would Apple still exist? Maybe not at the same time that she came. But I believe we are meant to have the children we have--our lost children and our children here on earth. Every baby is an equal blessing, and while a second baby after a loss may bring relief and hope to our hearts (as they should!), it does a disservice to our precious lost baby to act as though they were a necessary sacrifice. I'd be terrified to believe in a God that works this way--that allows babies to die or else the next ones can't be born. What a horrible trade-off. I had a beautiful little girl inside me who was every bit as precious as the baby that is inside me now. When this baby is born, I'm going to tell him that he has a sister in heaven--that she was my daughter--and that I don't know why she died. But that Heaven has room for us all. We were all meant to be.

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  21. Beautiful.
    Thank you for sharing.

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  22. What a precious post! Our daughter has a 5 year old little boy and in 2011 she lost a baby at 14 weeks and then last year she lost another at 19 weeks and had to deliver it. It was absolutely horrible and broke our hearts to the core. She is hopeful that she will eventually be blessed with another baby but has moved forward with her faith in God and knowing He has a perfect plan for her. Sweetest blessings to you!

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  23. Thank you so much for this wonderful post. I experienced my second loss back in May. I was 9 weeks along, and this was so tough for me. I still get emotional thinking about it. Your post was so encouraging to me and it is so nice to hear others share their story of something that I can relate to as well.

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  24. I wrestle with opening up "in real life" about our miscarriage, and how much it hurt. It is easier to write about it, like you said. But event then, much of the writing doesn't make it to the blog...it's kept in a safe and secret place. Almost like it's just between me and the sweet babe I lost.

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  25. Your words are so beautiful... I'm so sorry for your pain.

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  26. Casey,

    I thought I'd share this with you. It's by author, Debra Ginsberg, and I think it's absolutely beautiful. You're writing reminds of hers, the way you speak so openly about your love for your babies.

    "Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did – that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest."

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  27. "Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did – that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest." by author, Debra Ginsberg

    I thought I'd share that passage with you Casey, because when I was reading your post it reminded me of the way this passage expresses the deep love tied to our babies. Thank you for sharing your story through this blog! You are such an amazing mother.

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