My sweet girls.
Both have birthdays coming up... Apple turns one next month and Ainsleigh turns three in September. I have been such a different mom with these sweet little ladies. Being a first time mom is so hard... I was so nervous and just so worried the first time. I didn't want to share him and I was listening to everyone's opinions and everyone's ideas of how to be a mom and a family. I carried the weight of it all at the beginning.
I figured it out though.
I figured out that mamas know best and that every child is different. I figured out that it is okay to be confident in those decisions and it's okay to love your baby so much it hurts.
The second and third time have been more quiet and less anxious. There is an easiness to my spirit...a confidence this time. Something else I have figured out is that things come in seasons.
Aiden never slept in a crib one night. We co-slept every single night with that little guy. Then I had Ainsleigh who adored her crib and Apple who has followed in those foot-steps as well. And we just rolled with it...where-ever anyone wanted to sleep, whatever is best for each one...great! No labels. No judgements. Just doing what feels right. Then, with Aiden and Ainsleigh...for awhile they were night owls and napping and sleeping in and it worked for a season and then we implemented a bedtime routine and schedule and pulled the naps for a 7:00 bedtime and that is working amazing now. Both were great plans for different seasons.
I wish that first year I hadn't worried so much. I wish I had trusted myself more. And not second-guessed myself when people made various comments...because now, as a third time mom I am confident in my decisions. Things feel so much less "heavy".
In a way I felt like writing this out because I wish I had prepared my own heart better. I didn't know I would be so emotional and that it would be so hard to hear all the different opinions. I knew before I had Aiden that sometimes women struggled to connect with their new babies but what I wasn't prepared for was the opposite. The panic of sharing him. The not wanting others to hold him or watch him. I found an old diary I had written in when Aiden was 5 weeks old and here are a few raw emotions from that time....
"My new lesson I am learning is to love this precious baby with open hands. This is harder for me than most...I guess? I need to share him better. Why is it that I feel so uncomfortable to see others give my baby love and affection...that should be a huge joy in my heart, right? It is strange how often times it makes me feel out of place. Like that special love is a sacred thing...only for Chris and I. I feel as though I was robbed of our first moments. The nursings and the diaper changes and all of those precious, first moments. And now.....all I want is space. "
No one prepared me for that.
And obviously NOW it is the greatest gift on earth to share my babies with friends and family. I love watching them bless others or make someone else laugh or feel special. I adore to share their fun personalities and see others delight in them and for them to feel loved by others as well.
Whatever it is you are going through....it's just for a season.