facing fear.

August 15, 2013

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This is My Song by Mindy Gledhill on Grooveshark

 Over the past two months I have slowed down. I have said no more to others and yes more to my babies. The other day I put Apple down for a nap, I put on my swimsuit and had Aiden & Ains do the same. We sat in our kiddie pool out back- we had long conversations, laughter, moments that felt like slow-motion.  No agenda, no rushing.
I relished in their precious, innocent spirits. I listened to stories with intent. 
I let them splash and "mama! get your hair wet!" We laughed so hard at absolutely nothing. 
 Later in the day we sat over puzzles and read stories of lizards. We snuggled, made forts and talked about dreams.

It's so nice to slow down. With the slowing also came a bit of fear. I struggle with it and with Chris being gone, I really had to wrestle through a few things and had to face some of it head on.

It's weird because I have sat down to write about it countless times and can't quite seem to find the words. It's like I can't figure out exactly where even to begin. When Chris is here, it is so easy to just rely on him or forget about it but with him being gone, I really had to face a lot of it. 

And with slowing down, it was just RIGHT THERE, facing me head on. Everything I desperately want to not think about, or ever face... the stuff that I want to hide from. But this time I couldn't hide behind the busyness, or behind Chris. I had to face my fears. I had to hand over my thoughts and offer them up. I prayed through it ( still am), wrestled, read my bible.... I didn't have a choice.

And it has been really refreshing to rely on God so heavily.
Even though it involves things that aren't so fun like open hands and moments of nervousness...it's good to put it all in Him.

"The point is that your life is meant to be spent.  If you have Christ –nothing can steal your peace. You have to let yourself feel. You accept freedom the moment you accept the apology that no one offered. You have to let your life wrinkle. You have to let hope get into the folds of things. You are here to be spent. Saving yourself up isn’t how the saved are meant to liveGo for broke." - a holy experience

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