marriage.

August 29, 2013

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Through the sleepless nights and the tired days recently I was presented a question that made me pause.

You focus so much on wanting to be a good mom and talk about it so often...but what about your marriage? Do you put the same amount of thought and attention to that?

Isn't it the prideful, defensive part of ourselves that wants to start listing off all the reasons why we are good or are worthy? Or why we have an excuse for acting out in certain ways? From the day that Chris met me...I have gradually changed. Some better, others not. I still have a long way to go...but the entitled girl he married is for sure no longer. I have been humbled along the way and I have the ability to stare back at my cringe-worthy mistakes and say I am sorry. 

Through the housework and raising babies and responsibilities, can I be the same big-eyed 22 year girl he fell in love with? The same girl that he laughed with until the dawn-light peeked over the horizon, the one that went with him to concerts and the young-fun girl that had a million dreams and expectations of a fairytale coming true?

Is it even possible? That question alone takes my breath away. It makes me cringe in a way I can barely face my own reflection. 

I know it looks different. But does it cause you to think that somewhere along the way he chose wrong? or that you aren't enough?

I realized something later than sooner. The less fun, more tired version of myself that felt like I wasn't enough was actually buying into the lies. I was actually feeding into the unworthiness and in turn becoming more of the person I dreaded. The sadder it made me, the more of a drag I became. And when I faced this and decided to change it.... it was then, that I started to become more of the real me, the old me and less of the one I had started to become. 

The truth is. Today I am happier and more in love with Chris than the day I married him. I am so happy and I feel like we have come oh so far. 
We are better now than then. 
I understand him better and want to understand who he is and what makes him tick more than I 
ever did as the spunky 22 year old he chose to begin with. 

Maybe it's partly the lies that we feed ourselves that try and mess with the journey? 

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43 comments:

  1. GAHH. I just love that your posts DRIP with raw emotion and love and passion. soooo beautiful!!

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  2. Totally love this, because I was totally thinking about this just a few moments ago as I was typing my most recent post. I shared a photograph of my husband and I when we were dating and I thought, "wow. We were so young and carefree then. Could we be like that even as parents?" Just love this.

    Haili
    steadfastinyou.blogspot.com

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  3. Love this!!! The post that I linked to this wonderful read is all about me preparing for my marriage in less than a month now! Loved having this to ready... thanks for sharing your heart so willingly.

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    1. so happy you are linking up love!! xoxo!!

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  4. Casey your response to this question is so entirely lovely and insightful. I could not have poured the contents of my heart out on this topic better if I had written these words myself. What woman hasn't struggled with those lies? Lies we sometimes tell ourselves and tragically believe. And how those lies affect our true selves adversely! But instead of giving them power over us, we should do as you explained and face them. Reduce them. Refuse to feed them or encourage them. Instead practice self love and acceptance. Recognize the unique and individual essence we all have and be grateful for it and for the beautiful people its attracted into our lives. When we can practice self love and acceptance, its incredible how quickly those unfortunate habits we feel have become the 'new' us fade away to reveal the true, lighter and more authentic people we are. Thanks for sharing this tonight. I loved reading it and was blessed by it immensely.

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    1. this comment is so so beautiful, thank you so much for this :)

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  5. I definitely find myself in that rut. Five years and two babies in... I seem to be more defensive, argumentative. I can relate to feeling as though some of my great qualities that my Mr. fell in love with have faded. But how do I return to these good qualities when I've allowed five years to turn me into someone else? I don't feel as genuinely "me" as I used to. Trying to figure it all out. Grateful a beautiful soul as yourself, has been in my shoes.

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    1. I can so sooooo relate. A few years ago I really was there. I think parts of us change and stay changed but other parts...maybe some of the bitter or insecure or sad parts can change for sure. Sure appreciate you writing this , love xoxox

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  6. This post lays out so clearly how I've been feeling lately. Of course I'm not the same girl I was when I married my husband. I can't be, because we're always moving forward. Thank you so much for being open and sharing this. It is exactly what I needed:)

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  7. This reminds me of Tim Keller's book, "Meaning of Marriage" - there's one part he likens the beginning of his marriage with his wife as loud, bubbly and shallow like a brook ... vs decades later in his marriage with the same woman as quiet yet deep and strong like the ocean!

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  8. I think these sorts of thoughts too all the time. It's good for me to remember that just as Christ loves the church despite all it's flaws, so will my husband love me despite my flaws, because he is dying to himself and seeking to follow Christ.

    Love all the raw emotion in your posts. It's what makes your blog a breath of fresh air and keeps me coming back!

    http://slowfortheconezone.wordpress.com/

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  9. Love this so much, and bookmarked it to come back to if need be. It's amazing how every time you share a new piece of yourself, like this, I relate to you more and more. I'm still working through a few parts of myself I'm not as happy with when I look in the mirror, but I'm so happy to have a wonderful husband who cheers me along every step of the way. Thank goodness for patient, God loving men. :)

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  10. Tried to change the account on the last comment and it had already been submitted, just wanted to let you know who it was. :)

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  11. I love the ending, especially this part....."We are better now than then". I feel the same way.

    Alia

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  12. so good Casey. Marriage has always been one of my favorite topics--to study and work on…And I never want my focus on parenting to get in the way of that.
    My husband and I just glanced at a photo of our wedding day (18 years ago!) and he laughed and said "look at those kids!" and it made me feel so old but so happy.
    :)
    aloha

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    1. you always make me smile sweet friend!!

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  13. What a great question to be asked and to think about. I really resonate with the part of your answer where you say by focusing on how you weren't "enough," you were "feeding into the unworthiness and becoming the person you dreaded." Maybe this is too personal a question for a stranger, but may I ask how you changed that pattern? Did you just decide that wasn't who you were going to be? Curious . . .

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    1. ugh its so hard!!! I guess maybe in a way we always have to fight it? For me though, certain seasons I have had to fight harder....and I guess in the beginning I gave into it and maybe even believed it? Once I realized that it was in my head and just chose not to believe it, I could feel the difference!!

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  14. Marriage...exactly the thing on my heart this week! Maternal instincts spring from me far more naturally than marital ones and while I thrive on being the best mama I can be to my four, I often do this at the cost of neglecting the one foundation this family spring from: my marriage. Love the honesty here and yes, after 12 years I can say it is far better now than at the beginning even though the journey looks so different than anything I could have imagined.

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  15. Your 20s are hard. Self discovery, marriage, babies, friendships, life. Each day there is something new that we take into ourselves and it feeds us or it breaks us down. Along the way you learn which ones to take in and which ones to leave. I read a fascinating book a few years ago called Captivating by Jon & Stasi Eldredge and it really helped me see things through new eyes. I highly recommend it to all women. The lies always try to change the journey....just don't listen to them. Remember who you are, who Chris is, and who you are in Christ. Love each other with the love of Jesus and you will never go wrong.

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  16. Even though Justin and I have only been married for 4 months, I still have feelings like this. We started dating almost 10 years ago and have both changed so much. I think that God brings you together to make each other more holy and so you change... sometimes you don't feel as fun or exciting but you are wiser and deeper and better- because that's Jesus' plan for us, if we keep following Him. You are such a good role model to all who read your blog! I can't imagine balancing 3 kids and a marriage! I'm having a hard enough time being a good wife;) Have a wonderful weekend and thanks for the link up!

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  17. First time linking up! Thank you so much for your wonderful advice and tips on marriage and time. Happy Friday!

    Silver
    A Silver Snapshot
    asilversnapshot@hotmail.com

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  18. So entirely true and encouraging. Thanks girl!

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  19. I love this. My husband and I recently celebrated our fourth anniversary and I thought the same thing --- wow has A LOT changed for us in four years. A house. Two babies. Unexpected circumstances/situations. But I love the people we've grown to be together. I like to think we've molded each other and have influenced each other in our own ways. We push each other to be better people, better parents, and sometimes that is difficult to face. We sit and laugh about when we met seven years ago, but not a day goes by that I would change a thing from where we are now. What you appreciate at 22 and what you appreciate as a mama cannot compare. And quite honestly, nothing is sexier to me than watching your own husband interact with your own children ;)

    I love your blogs so much, lady!

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  20. I've been feeling this exact same way lately...2 babies and a surgery in 2 years and I'm soooo different than I was when we were first married! I often wonder if he has any regrets, then I start believing these lies I've created in my own head, and it's a quick downward spiral into being a 'drag', as you put it. I too, have been focusing on being myself, the woman God created and specifically created for my husband, not this sad, tired, sick person i've been lately. Thank you for sharing...it's always nice to know I'm not alone in my thoughts. God bless!

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  21. I really liked this. :) Thank you for sharing!!

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  22. Love this post! I totally get what you mean about the journey making the love oh so much stronger and way, way better. I've been guilty of buying into the lies again the last few weeks and really needed to hear this - thanks for sharing.

    -Vicky

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  23. Love this post. I also think about the changes I have experienced with my husband. From meeting him, marrying him, and now taking care of our little girl. I also love my guy more today than yesterday. (great song too!)

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