A lot has happened in my heart in the past weeks. From Hopespoken to the events surrounding American Blogger I have gone through all different seasons of emotion in just a short three weeks. Leading up to HopeSpoken I had a stirring in my heart to try and reach back to my earlier writing days, when vulnerability wasn't quite so complicated. When my writing was just free emotion pouring out through my fingertips. No judgements, no assumptions.... just a free space to spill my soul. I have lost some of that along the way and I am not entirely sure how you fully ever gain it back. I am trying though. How do you hold onto that? How do you keep those precious words and thoughts safe? Maybe it's just reckless abandon. Maybe its just believing so much in yourself, your intentions, your art, your thoughts that you stretch out your arms, throw your face to the wind and run without thinking twice.
HopeSpoken was such a sacred place. Stories and hearts and tears flowed with safety and vulnerability. Honestly, this blog has created such a sweet community similar to HopeSpoken that I almost forget that outside of this space, when you open yourself to an even larger audience, that safety can be lost.
At HopeSpoken one of the things that I spoke on was that you can't judge another person's pain. I learned this about 3 years ago through various seasons of loss. I felt ashamed to be hurting so much because I had so much to be grateful for. But the truth is we all react to situations differently, we all see hurt and humanity and life through different lenses. I learned, then, that you can't judge someone else's heartache. Sometimes when we can see a whole person, their whole story... we are able to dig a little deeper and see more why they are the way they are. We can't judge how someone will act out due to pain. Or how it will shape them. How they respond to life's bumps and that is where grace comes in. I learned to extend grace to those I didn't understand...mostly because I figured if I knew their whole story, I might understand better why they were the way they were. It took years for this all to make sense to me. And maybe that is just part of the journey, us all figuring this out.
I got an email yesterday from a woman I look up to and respect and adore more than words can say. She has been a huge piece of the puzzle for me in my walk with the Lord. She poured words out in an email that were like sweet balm to my soul. I needed to be reset. I needed to look at this project again with untainted eyes, the way that I did the first time I watched the entire film. With the pureness that it began with.
I have seen God working so much in me this past year. As I surrender to Him, He moves and He frees me. I have felt so much freedom from the fear and anxiety that has jailed me for years. And this weekend I felt so much freedom from my desire to be loved and understood by man. I have guarded my eyes better and am going to walk forward with an open heart yet in a new confidence that can only be found through Him. I think there must be a balance between n open heart, healthy conversations and then moving forward. All of this might sound like a jumble of thoughts, honestly that is what it is. Just a mess of emotion from a woman who is in the midst of being rescued. I am honored to be able to show how God can demonstrate His strength through me.
all good things.
"i say tenderheartedly,
you are just as jacked up as the person who has hurt you. your heart is so dark. you betray Jesus everyday and He still loves you. He doesn't wait for you to do enough to pay for your sins, so he can finally take you back. no. you enjoy grace and mercy and unmerited forgiveness. every day. actually, every hour.
and now, you get to be a mirror of the Gospel to that person. because what can they do to make up for defiling you in such a way? nothing actually. nothing would ever be good enough. would it?"
- Jami Nato
We aren't loved on a performance base- it is unconditional.
And that's why when people let us down...
we weren't supposed to put our hope in THEM but in HIM.