a life well loved- facing loss.

June 27, 2014


On May 21 I drove to the store to buy a pregnancy test, butterflies in my tummy and a hopeful heart. I stood in line and smiled at the clerk. Was this it? Our last babe. A babe we have thought about and talked about for so long. I drove home, took the test and handed it to Chris....leaving the room as minutes felt like days. A few minutes later I peeked around the corner to gage his reaction on the porch, a huge smile- pregnant.

Tear of joy and gratitude for this sweet little life. We waited two weeks and went in for an early 6 week sono to see how everything looked. A precious little heartbeat and tests that all seemed to point in a happy direction.



Over the next three weeks we told a few close friends, began to talk names and dreams and plans of this pregnancy. A fourth, last babe seemed like the perfect number. The perfect puzzle piece to fit into our family. Each passing moment being cherished deeply. My tummy grew so quickly and with that so did my hopes.

Yesterday I went in for my 9 week sono and our precious little baby's heart was beating away, 162 beats. The little body looked so sweet and again, a little piece of me let go of that fear...let me heart grow a little closer.



I sat in the middle waiting room until I was called in to meet with my doctor. God has given me such a gift in her. She has been through every step of all these pregnancies with us, has cried through heartaches and really stood by us through advice and the journey of a growing family.

She came in with a worried face and instantly my stomach began to drop. She told me that there are tiny little sacs of fluid around our baby's lungs that could mean a large number of things. She said that often times this results in losing the baby and that next week I should come in for a sonogram at ten weeks to see how the baby looks. She was precious with encouragement saying that sometimes they are wrong, but it would be a good idea to prepare my heart and bring Chris with me when I came next week.

I could barely hold the tears back getting to my car and just sat in my car and stared out the glass. This feeling again. The world spinning yet standing still. The same question over and over, why? My heart fell into a thousand pieces. I started to drive through a clenched jaw and tear filled eyes.

Why does it hurt just as bad as the first time?

I didn't want to talk about this at all yesterday, I didn't feel like even facing my feelings but today I woke up thinking about all the emails over the past three years. Almost three years exactly since Addison and all the emails that have come from hurting mamas. All the pain and all the stories. All the tears and all the lost babies.

Then I got an email this morning from someone who has had three losses this year. She said she felt like she didn't have a voice about her pain, her experience..... and reading my writing through my loss gave her a voice, a voice to the hurt.
A voice to her lost dreams.
A voice to her broken heart.

It gave me a new peace. If part of my purpose is to be vulnerable in my pain, then I will gladly accept it. It's easy to see big families and forget their journey in getting there. It's easy to see all the pregnancies and happy and healthy babies and forget the heartaches in between. Sometimes we might need a voice to fill in those gaps. To provide hope for the sadness when the question of why seems like the only thing lingering in our minds. 



In a way I had gotten to a point where I had checked that loss and pain off the list. Something that I had been through, learned from, grown in and it was the past. Now I see it could be something that I have to face again.

I have no idea what to expect on Tuesday morning. A loss, a journey, a miracle. Whichever the answer is I know there is purpose. We serve a big God that works in ways I can't understand but in ways I trust.

Apple never cries in the night and last night right as I was climbing into bed I heard her. I slowly creaked open her door & she was standing in her crib, both arms stretched out towards me. I pulled her out, pulled her close to me as her head slumped onto my shoulder. I carried her precious little body down our hallway and I laid her next to me in my bed. She nestled her little face into my neck and clenched tight to me. Apple is my hope baby, my rainbow baby. I felt a whisper of God saying " I remember".  My word for this year isn't hope...it's brave.

So Brave is what I will be.



   photo LINKUPBUTTON.jpg

92 comments:

  1. Casey, praying for your heart as you process this all. The Lord is so sovereign and kind, no matter what. Believing and declaring miracles over the sweet life inside of you. You are so very brave.

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  2. Oh Casey... I will pray for you and the little life growing inside you and hope everything will be alright for you and your family. You are already so, so brave.

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  3. oh my god Casey!! I read you from....3 years ago..its amazing!! you and your husband are so so brave! you have an amazing family...all my love to you and your little little baby growing inside, all its gonna be ok sweet Casey, love from Spain :)

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  4. Casey, I'm praying for all of you right now. Hold tight to your Jesus.

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  5. Smothered and covered in prayer that God's will fall's on and through our family.

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  6. Stay brave. We will be praying for you!

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  7. Oh sweet girl. My heart dropped for you while reading this. Praying for you and your family! You were a big part in helping me deal with my own loss. There are no words dear.

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  8. be brave :) praying for you!!

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  9. I am praying for you, sweet lady. What a beautiful, deserving and brave Momma you are. Big hugs. xoxo

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  10. So sorry Casey, will pray for your precious one <3

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  11. What a hard week this will be. Sometimes the waiting is the worst part. Praying for your family this week.

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  12. Sending you and your family lots of hope and love!! Thank you for sharing your story....

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  13. Prayers for you and your family, and the blessing that is growing in your womb...may God's grace help you over the next couple of days, and may you find peace in knowing that He will be there to comfort and heal you through whatever the days may bring. Thank you for always being so honest...

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  14. sending my prayer for you and your family

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  15. (( HUG )) - sending lots and lots of prayers your way, Casey XO. He is with you, still leading.

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  16. Praying for you, sweet friend. I so appreciate your heart and your willingness to share your story. You are a blessing! Xoxo

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  17. First off, congratulations! Although my heart is heavy for you, you are a strong, brave woman. You and your family are an inspiration and I hope for all good things! We'll be sending loads of good vibes your way from Ohio.

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  18. You are an amazing women and mother. Praying for your sweet babe.

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  19. Oh Casey, I am sending so many prayers your way for your sweet family and that precious baby! Much hugs and love to you today and in this coming week! You are so strong to be able to write this and to help others that are going through the same and letting them find their own voices! xoxoxo

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  20. I am praying for you. Being pregnant now myself, I know those hopes and fears, which seem especially magnified with other children sharing in the joys and sorrows. I hope you have lots of love and support surround you this week.

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  21. I love that God is not finished with your story and He's writing poetry through your words for all the moms that need that voice so desperately. Sending prayers your way!

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  22. Just binged on some of your blog posts since it's been forever since we've actually caught up in person... It's funny how just when you start to cruise through life, something stops you dead in your tracks. Sending lots of prayers and love your way, Casey!!

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  23. Praying for you and your sweet family, but especially praying for the new, smallest member! The Lord is in control. xoxo

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  24. praying hard for you, sweet mama. your words are such a gift. lots of love to you guys! <3

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  25. Heart wrenching. I will be on my knees in prayer for you. Be soul-encouraged. There is God in this place, always.

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  26. Extra love your way. God has a way of showing us he cares.

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  27. goodness. praying for you and your family and your little one.
    don't question that it hurts each time. it is a life, unique and beautiful. of course it hurts each time. your word might be brave, but i'm also praying that you will cling to the hope that Jesus provides and His promise that His plan is perfect. xo

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  28. Praying for you!!! Thank you for always being transparent, showing the world that a life with God isn't butterflies and rainbows all the time but is the best and most abundant life we can have! Praying for increasing strength and courage. Holy Spirit draw near to this family with your peace and comfort like only you can. In Jesus' name, Amen!

    xoxo, kerri

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  29. Oh Casey. You continue to be an inspiration and place of hope for me. And an encouragement to be brave to. Thank you for that. And for being so willing to accept God's perfect grace in your life, however it may come. Praying big for your little baby and you too.

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  30. I was already in tears at your heading, before I even began to read...I will be praying for you and Chris and your family, and saying extra special prayers for this blessed little life. Choosing bravery when faced with something this scary and this painful shows incredible strength of spirit. The Lord bless you and keep you, and give you peace during this most difficult time.

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  31. praying and thinking for you and your family.

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  32. Awww- what a wonderful well written post. God's greatest blessings to you and yours--- ALL of yours!

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  33. Stay brave. May the good things and happiness come in your way Casey.

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  34. Praying for you and your littlest most precious gift. Your writing and words have been such a blessing in my heart and my life and I thank you deeply for being willing to share it. I know how hard it is.

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  35. Oh Casey ... I feel for you. I had a miscarriage in March 2011 after 5 years of secondary infertility. God is so good and redeemed our loss with another pregnancy 7 months later. We now have our precious little girl that we named Hope. We then became pregnant again in September of last year with our 4th child. It was blessing and such a surprise! Our joy almost turned to heartache twice ... since it appeared that I was miscarrying again. It was a very sensitive time and prayed a lot for our little guy to be okay. He was born June 2nd and he is absolute miracle! I will pray for you and your little one to have the same amazing story. Anything is possible with God!

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  36. Sweet, beautiful, vulnerable Casey. thank you for opening up your heart to us so genuinely! I am praying that God takes fear and worry out of your heart and fills it with courage, bravery and strength. Love that he speaks to us in the embrace of our babies, in the kindness of a friends encouragement and by his powerful Word!

    I am claiming victory over this complication and praying strength over this sweet perfect little life! Praying for peace in the waiting and patience as you "be still & know"!

    Love you so very much!

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  37. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:5, 6 NKJV) Praying for you, sweet friend!! xo

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  38. sweetest ever. just read one post and already know you're amazing. prayers and love with you! Xo


    the well-traveled wife ♥

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  39. Oh my word. So beautifully written. I feel your pain as I have suffered a loss in the past, but I can't imagine how you are feeling right now.. the unknown is the hardest to deal with. I will be thinking about you and your family and praying for a healthy baby.

    Stay brave. xo

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  40. So many prayers are coming your way.

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  41. I have 2 kiddos this side of heaven. And since my second child was born, I have lost 5 pregnancies. It has been terrible. I had wanted a larger family so bad. At least one or two more children. Adoption has also been on my heart, but because of a small home, not enough bedrooms, etc., that seems to be out of the question as well. Altogether we have lost 7 pregnancies over the years. I pray for God's perfect will as you walk this path...

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  42. thank you for sharing - uncertainty and all. praying for you and your family.

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  43. I am thinking of you and your family during this heart-breaking time. I thank you for your honesty and your courage for posting this here. I wish you health for the future.

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  44. Casey,

    I read your blog often and have for some time, but I don't believe I've ever commented. This one, however, struck a cord with me and I had to take some time to compose myself and my emotions before commenting. My heart feels your heart. Our religious beliefs may be different, but our hearts are the same. My heart is with yours.

    I have a 3 year old. He just turned 3 last Sunday. A beautiful, healthy little boy. I come from a small family and always wanted to give him a big one. "You're young and healthy," my doctor told me, giving us the thumbs up to think about adding to our family and that's what we did. I was supposed to be due this August, on the 23rd. Instead at my 25 week visit they noticed her heart deteriorating. My little girl. She was so happy in my belly but then -- through every specialist appointment -- bad news. After bad news. Until the day I felt no movement. Two days later, on our wedding anniversary, May 23, she was born asleep. I am still grieving this pain. I have never experienced loss compared to this and I am struggling to keep it together for my sweet boy. My sweet boy who just celebrated his birthday. My sweet boy who wanted a sister so very much. The days are hard. They are full because of him, but the nights are the hardest. They are the emptiest. I am trying to remember how to hope, trying to understand why this has happened. Sometimes I think I have hope. Sometimes I think maybe one day I will bring home another baby awake, but it's hard. She was so beautiful. She looked so much like her brother. All I have are photos and a memorial tattoo and it's never enough, nothing seems enough. I want to have hope in miracles and that one day I can bring another baby home awake. And that you, too, will be bringing this baby home awake.

    You'll all be in my thoughts and heart. <3

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  45. I will be thinking of you and your family, and of course hoping for happy news for you.

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  46. i needed this ….. as I have been praying if I could brave enough to try again. So many worries show me how little I have trusted God….. but also how real the pain was and how I simply have not healed from it… maybe I never will. But God is awesome… and he knows. I can be brave because of that <3 Thanks Casey. I am praying so big for you. You are a lovely person.

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  47. Thank you for sharing. I had a similar pregnancy before I got pregnant with my rainbow baby. So sorry for your situation, I know its so painful. I'll be praying for your family.

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  48. Thinking and praying for good news for you and you so sweet family. Thankful for your bravery always.

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  49. Oh my gosh.. I sit here holding back tears as my fiance and his friend are in the kitchen talking about particle board and tile. I started reading this post and the world/room/everything around me just seemed to stand still-- I know that the TV is on in front of me but I can no longer hear it because everything is silent. I'm blinking swiftly so that I don't cry. I can literally feel your pain. It was nine and a half years ago that I gave birth to a beautiful, full term still born son that looked just like me with chubby cheeks and a pug nose. Everything was so unexpected. I'm no longer with his Father and I have found the love of my life. We tried for ten months to get pregnant and I finally gave up because each month that I wasn't pregnant, it brought my loss back.. ten fold. The next month I was pregnant. One day after the positive pregnancy test, I began spotting and then bleeding- it was the weekend. I went to the doctor on Monday and he did an ultrasound stating that I was 5 weeks and it looked as if I was miscarrying but to rest and come back on Friday to re-ultrasound and check. The entire week we torture. I relived everything that I had been through in the past and struggled so hard. And I prayed. What I thought would be my rainbow baby ended up being my 2nd loss. I pray that you don't have to go through that.. there will be no words that will make that loss better but please know that I will be thinking of you and your family.. praying for you and hoping that whatever happens, your heart is okay and that you take gentle care. XOXO

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  50. We just had our second miscarriage in 8 months two weeks ago. Hot and angry tears flow freely. God is still good. He is still gracious and merciful and all those good things that we all know to be true...and yet, it hurts just as much as it did the last time. It burns. It aches. The loss. It's suffocating at times.

    Praying for you...that your next appointment will be full of good news.

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  51. All the happy, hopeful, wonderful thoughts for you and your family.

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  52. Prayers of hope coming your way. Be brave, but remain hopeful. It can go one of two ways, but it won't hurt any less by preparing yourself for the worst now. <3

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  53. Thank you for sharing your heart even through the trials. Praying for you and believing!

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  54. you are precious. your family is precious. you are all in our prayers. i believe in a God that is the Creator of Miracles... i appreciate your heart and you embracing vulnerability in your pain and your bravery. Continue to be Brave.... <3

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  55. Prayers to you and your beautiful family and beautiful soul Casey!! <3 <3

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  56. I have lost 2 babies...the most recent loss in the fall. I still struggle with the pain. My heart goes out to you and my prayers are lifted in faith with you for a healthy pregnancy and baby. There's nothing too hard for God.

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  57. I've lost 2 babies ...one as recently as last fall. I still struggle with the pain. My prayers are lifted in faith with you. Thank you for being brave.

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  58. Praying and crying from my car in North Carolina-- you are such a gift from God to women. My husband and I don't have kids yet but if we are able to I know I will be so much more thankful after feeling like I'm walking through your life with you.

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  59. Casey- As I was reading this, God whispered this Scripture to send to you. I think it is from Psalms: "Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart." You are indeed brave to share this. I have realized in my own life that when I choose a word of the year, God tests me on it. I have a prayer basket that I put names in to pray over. You, the baby, and your family are already in it. Healthy baby and pregnancy. Hug and kiss on your babies and Chris. And may the Lord bless you and keep you.

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  60. praying for you today sweet little mommy...and will continue....thank you for being brave & vulnerable and sharing your story with us
    xo

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  61. Sending so many positive thoughts and warm hugs to you and your family.

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  62. Praying for you and the little babe inside of you, friend. Your vulnerability is impacting more lives than you even know.

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  63. I will say a prayer for you! Hugs mama!

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  64. So heart wrenching! Prayers for you and your family <3

    EatPrayWearLove

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  65. Casey, I know this is a hard time. I'm so sorry that you have to experience it. You're right though- God is big enough to make it good. Somehow, someway. I haven't worked it all out myself, but I believe that in my head and feel it in my heart. Love to you guys! xo

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  66. I'm sending you lots of love and strength for Tuesday. xxxxx

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  67. You are brave. And it's hope that fuels your bravery. I'm praying.

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  68. God can indeed provide miracles...and that is what I am praying for you! Prayers for a healthy baby that withstands the odds, prayers for divine strength no matter the outcome. You are will supported by many by the mama-hearts.

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  69. This made me all choked up! We are definitely praying that God's hand will be evident in all of this. That His will for it will be made so perfectly clear through the joy, or through the pain. And of course, we'll be praying for the best of news on Tuesday.

    xoxo

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  70. Praying for you Casey! Be strong and hopeful!
    You wrote 'It's easy to see all the pregnancies and happy and healthy babies and forget the heartaches in between' and I couldn't agree more. Now a momma of four the journey wasn't always easy. When I see moms struggling to conceive or carry their babies it makes my heart ache and a part of me feels guilty that I have my four babes, but in a way I wish they knew it wasn't always a walk in the park.

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  71. Hey sweet girl, I came over to check and see how your family was doing. I want you to know my little family and I will be praying for you tonight. I am in tears knowing what you are going through. I know you have so much love for that little life and so much faith in our big God who knows all things. You are an incredible mother to each of your babies here and heaven. Love you!

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  72. Casey, I'm praying for you tonight. There are no words at times like this but I'm praying for a miracle for your baby and for you and your beautiful family to have strength at this time. I've been through this twice but you've been able to give words to this heartache that I could never find.

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  73. That is beautiful. You are beautiful. And brave. Prayers from New Zealand.

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  74. I have been a reader of your blog for a couple years now and well my heart aches for you and I will be praying for you and your family. I hope the news is good for you and not filled with pain.

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  75. You're my thoughts, sending you lots of positive energy and love. Thank you for being so raw and open, you'll never know how many women you helped.

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  76. You already are so incredibly brave. You have given so many women - including myself - the strength needed to share and talk about our losses, our fears and our hopes for the future. You ARE brave; the very epitome of the word, in my humble opinion. I'll be thinking of you! Sending good thoughts to you and your family :)

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  77. It takes real courage to share such a sensitive subject, and while I've never been there myself, your honesty has touched my heart. Sometimes the lessons we endure in this life are not meant for us. I feel we go through them so we might help others one day. Nothing makes me stand by that More than your testament You and your family will be in my prayers tonight.
    God Bless you all,
    Deanna

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  78. I am praying for you and will be praying for you tomorrow morning. My heart goes out to you. We are still praying and waiting for our rainbow baby.
    Isaiah 41:10

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  79. I can't hardly type through the tears. Thank you for sharing your heart. From a momma who has three babies here on earth and three sweet babies in heaven...I too thank you for being my voice. Heartfelt prayers going up for you!

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  80. You should listen to You Make Me Brave by, Amanda Cook/Bethel Music. It is such a beautiful charge for us to be brave. God has called me to be brave this year, also, and trust him as I struggle with anxiety and infertility. I hope it blesses you as much as it has me!

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  81. Praying for you, beautiful one. <3

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  82. Praying for you guys.
    Ronnie xo

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  83. I just read this yesterday and I have been praying for you since. Blessings my friend, and that the miracle inside will continue to be a miracle.

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  84. praying for your sweet family girl and for you to be brave. your words are being used to bring a voice to so many mamas. thank you for your vulnerability and transparency.

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  85. So choked up reading this. .♡♡♡

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