Heartache & Baby Loss.

July 03, 2014




( I wrote this late Tuesday night )

Two babies lost. Two babies in heaven. Two heartbreaks.  

I never thought I would say that, that was never a reality I wanted to be real for me. The thought of it being three or four is almost overwhelming. The unknown, the many lingering questions... they can be paralyzing. Ten weeks & two days and we lost our sweet one. Tonight, tonight she is still in me.
 Safe and nestled in my womb...but tomorrow, tomorrow I will have surgery. I will walk down a long, sad hall & lay down on a table. The same looking table that I lay down on for a c.section, wearing the same gown, with the same IV in my arm. Yet this time, this time 

 I will go to sleep and wake up empty.

 The grim, heartbreaking reality of tomorrow could be suffocating but somehow God is overwhelming me with a peace that everything is going to be okay. It is. I saw Him redeem my loss before. He gave me my heartbeat, my sweet Apple girl. I feel completely surrounded with a village of love. I have had a beautiful peace all week and went into our appointment today almost certain of the news we would have. I knew God could show His power with this yet I had a peace that this is how it would go. I don't understand. I don't have to understand, I just need to trust. I can't even begin to imagine my life without Apple so when it hurts, I think of her...my rainbow angel baby. 

Nothing can bring me to tears quicker than thinking about Addison being there when I get to heaven and me instantly recognizing him. Knowing someone I love so deeply is already there waiting for me. Now to imagine a daughter there as well, someone with him. It's heartbreaking, heart wrenching and beautiful all in one.

I want to continue to be a voice to the lost. To the hurting. Whether it be 4 weeks, 10 weeks, 20 weeks, whether you have children or not, whether it is your first loss or your fourth, whether you chose names or not... your tears need to be recognized and your spirits need to be encouraged. 

Annabelle means beautiful, loving, lovable, graceful. 
The same way I wanted to honor Addison's short 12 week life, I want to honor hers. 

Her life was like a whisper. A gentle, quiet reminder of the preciousness in life. God's presence carrying me every step of the way. A soft spoken word that carries the weight of the world. 

I am a believer in life. I cherish it, I celebrate it and I love it fiercely. Knowing a little person that was us...half me, half him left this earth so quickly is so heavy. A piece of us brought together for always...maybe not in this world, but surely in the next.

I love you baby girl. You are everything to us.

“BEHOLD, CHILDREN ARE A HERITAGE FROM THE LORD, THE FRUIT OF THE WOMB IS A REWARD. LIKE ARROWS IN THE HAND OF A WARRIOR, SO ARE THE CHILDREN OF ONE’S YOUTH.HAPPY IS THE MAN WHO HAS HIS QUIVER FULL OF THEM; THEY SHALL NOT BE ASHAMED, BUT SHALL SPEAK WITH THEIR ENEMIES IN THE GATE”




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92 comments:

  1. I am so sorry Casey! I know there are no words of comfort that I can give to you in this time. But I love you friend.

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  2. I'm so sorry to read this Casey. I know the pain of miscarriage and I'd do almost anything to keep other women from that pain. I'll be praying for you and your family.

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  3. This is beautiful! What a beautiful tribute. Brutiful life we live. Thank you for sharing.

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss. You are such a wonderful example of a strong woman. Hanks for sharing

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  5. Mom to 5, so far. What a beautiful eternal picture. Praying for your family. Praying that God's peace stays so near to you.

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  6. Dearest Casey, my heart is so heavy tonight for you. The name you chose for your daughter is beautiful. Praying for you + your precious family - and for strength tomorrow during your surgery.

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  7. My heart just aches and feels so heavy for you and your family. I have been thinking about you all since your post about this a few days ago. Sending much love and many, many prayers your way. Much love!

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  8. So sorry for your loss...May Gods grace and never ending love hold you up as you grieve your baby girl. Your bravery at sharing this loss with the world is only something God himself can accomplish.

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  9. Oh Casey... how my heart broke when I read this post. May Gods tender mercy and grace comfort you and carry you through this unimaginable sorrow. Praying for strength and love for each step of this journey now laid before y'all and for your surgery and for your family. There are no words ... but my prayer is for peace and comfort. I am so sorry.

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  10. I'm so sorry……I've lost a baby as well…..and know how hard it is! Praying for you, and ALL of your babies!

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  11. My heart aches for y'all! Praying for your family!

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  12. I am so sorry. I've been thinking about you since reading the post last week...many prayers for healing within your family.

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  13. So sorry for your loss friend. I love you and you and your family are in our prayers. Xo

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  14. When I read your first post announcing your pregnancy and possible loss I wanted to reach out. But I was at a loss for words. I read this and tears filled my eyes and I knew I had to say something. I'm still at a loss for words but here I am. I want you to know I love you. I know you have many many who love you, but I want you to know that I LOVE YOU. I've never experienced a loss like a miscarriage, but I have faced other fears regarding these precious babies.

    My heart aches knowing you have to go and lay exactly how and where you would go as if you were having a c section. This brought back the memories of after I gave birth to our first son at 27 weeks and we had to stay in same hall as all the mothers who had just had their babies and were in their rooms with them. So I laid in my bed, listening to mothers and families laughing and talking and admiring the new little precious bundle, holding him/her in their arms, the mother nursing and holding the baby, and our sweet boy was lying in a little "bed" all by himself hooked up to who knows how many tubes and monitors. But just as I knew then that he wasn't completely alone, he had angels surrounding him, I know that your sweet little one won't be alone. She's going to be held and welcomed and loved. She will feel your love and your warmth, but she will be home knowing that she will see you again.

    I don't know if you know what a "priesthood blessing" is, but I know that the comfort and power behind them are real. If you know of any LDS men who hold the priesthood, at this time, I know that it would be a great source of comfort and a true blessing to you. HE knows your heart, Casey. He loves you.

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  15. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. There is no onther pain like the one felt from losing a child. The Lord works in amazing ways though and is there for you during this time. Angels are looking surrounding you and so are the spirits of your little ones.

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  16. love you mama. all i can say is im so sorry :(

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  17. oh darling, I am so sorry. I can't imagine your pain and heartache.

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  18. I'm so very sorry for your loss! My prayers are for your sweet family during this mournful time, may you continue to find peace in the lord and in your loved ones all around you!

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  19. my heart breaks for you. you are in my prayers.

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  20. So sorry to hear about your baby girl..Soar Annabelle, soar

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  21. This brought me to tears. So sorry. What a beautiful piece you shared with us. Thank you and know I am praying for you too.

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  22. I have no words... I'm so sorry for your loss again sweetheart. This is tragic and I'm sorry you have gone through it again. I am not a mother and therefore do not fully understand all this yet but my heart and prayers are with you and I'm aching for you... Angels are blessings though- count them often and remember them always.. :'( Love you Casey.

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  23. My heart is with you tonight…..you are such an inspiration and hope for those out there that cannot see things as clearly as you do or are not as strong. Sending you and your family all of my love.

    XOXOXOXO

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  24. May God bled you and your family....I'm praying for you....your story is a light for others and I think you're very brave to share it.....

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  25. I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart aches reading this, I hope you're filled with peace and comfort tomorrow.

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  26. Oh precious little Annabelle. I'm so thankful that her big brother was there to be there when she met Jesus. He is holding my sweet 8 little ones who are a year gone- and He is your holding your precious ones as well. My heart breaks that they can't be here with us, but oh how I envy where they are, and so look forward to the day we all get to celebrate together. Praying for you.

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  27. I am so very sorry. We lost several and so I know the pain and devastation you are going through. Mourn how you need to mourn and heal in the manner in which you need to heal. I felt no one could understand what it felt like for me unless they had gone through it. I am not sure if you feel this same way but I hope you can find peace with some friends that you feel can hold your hand through this. you are correct, doesn't matter how many weeks along, it still hurts the same. Know that many are praying for you and sending love. ~Kim (infinitesmile.com)

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  28. My heart breaks for you and your family. I prayed so hard for it not to be true. I love that you gave her a name and it is the most beautiful of names. I will be keeping you in constant prayer. xoxo

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  29. Dear Casey, You do not know me but I watched The American Blogger and it inspired me so much. That’s how I met you. How I met all of you. I watched and I related to some of your stories but the one that touched me the most at the time was the one where another blogger shared her story of miscarriage. I had recently miscarried my first baby. I sobbed. My husband held me. Her story gave me hope but it also brought back the pain. The time was dark and I was so lost. But we kept watching. The truth is, we loved the movie. We loved all of you. In fact, I started writing again after that. Started following up on dreams that I had lost. Started surrounding myself with women of faith and started living my life as a better story. I am still learning. I never knew about your first loss of Addison, but reading your words, your story, this week, I am once again at a loss. But I also feel less alone. 1 in 4 of us, if not more, have a sisterhood out there. Some are quiet. Some are loud. All are brokenhearted. It is a sisterhood of heartache but mostly of love. I hope you KNOW that you are a voice to loss. I am SO sorry for what you are going through. For that I have no words except that I am with you tomorrow. Thank you for sharing Annabelle’s story with us. She is love. And you, sweet lady, are in my prayers. xoxo

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  30. May our gentle Shepherd carry you close in His arms tomorrow for the journey through the valley of shadow (Isa. 40:11), reminding you that Annabelle is already in the land beyond these shadows, in His glorious light. Annabelle knew the music of your heartbeat and will surely recognize you when you meet again.

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  31. You're in my prayers. He is the only one who can ease your pain. Love to you and your family.

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  32. Our girls are together, playing in the sunflower fields on God's beautiful estate. They have each other to whisper secrets to and sing songs together, along with your precious baby boy. Praying for you and loving you from afar, dear friend.

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  33. So, so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful tribute to your precious Annabelle. We love you.

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  34. My heart hurts for you. I know your pain, and I am so sorry. What a beautiful name for your precious girl. Keeping your in my thoughts and prayers, sweet Casey.

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  35. I'm so sorry Casey. I'll be praying for you.

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  36. Oh Casey, what a brave and beautiful person you are. This post must have been so hard for your to write. I'm so very very sorry for your devastating loss. Please know I am thinking of you and praying for you.

    Sending you virtual hugs and love,
    Natasha

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  37. I know I don't comment often, but I just wanted you to know that there is at least one extra person out here who is thinking of you, praying for you, for your family, and sending out all the love they possibly can. My heart is with your heart, and although I cannot carry your burden, I can help lift you with love, with God's love. Bless you, and your family, and your heart. Your amazing, beautiful, loving heart.

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  38. My heart is heavy for you, my seeet friend. It seems like yesterday that I was facing this same empty feeling and looking to you to feel less alone in my grief. I am praying for you tonight that you feel the peace of God with you and that you may feel my broken heart beating right along with yours tonight. So much love to the wiegand family tonight. Xoxo

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  39. Oh Love, I found your link from Rachael Kincade's tweet. I too have had this sweet peace in the most heart breaking times of loss. One, Two or Three it's still hard and I am so so glad that you wrote this and are witnessing to how God is with you. I am so sorry for your losses and I am praying that he covers you with all of his love, mercy and grace during the time of healing.

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  40. Oh Love, I found your link from Rachael Kincade's tweet. I too have had this sweet peace in the most heart breaking times of loss. One, Two or Three it's still hard and I am so so glad that you wrote this and are witnessing to how God is with you. I am so sorry for your losses and I am praying that he covers you with all of his love, mercy and grace during the time of healing.

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  41. thinking of you and sending you strength xx

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  42. A path none of us wants to walk but knowing you are carried makes it easier.
    Carried by Him and through the prayers of many that you don't know and will never meet but have been touched by you.
    Thanks for sharing your heart and journey.

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  43. My heart is heavy and sad for your loss. :(

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  44. Hugs and prayers for continued peace - xoxo

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  45. Ive been planning to write to tell you how wonderful I find your blog. I'm sorry i finally do it on such an occasion. I'm sorry for your loss. Not sure how much the words of support from people you don't know will help. However, know that I'm adding my few words in a prayer

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  46. Praying God leads you to joy & peace as you cherish your family each day---the precious ones here on earth & those embraced in Heaven.

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  47. Hurting with you. Your open heart is a blessing to many. Thank you for sharing.

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  48. Praying for you today as you are recovering from your procedure and mending your broken heart. Her time with you may have been small but the imprint she has made on your heart will never fade. She is now in the comforting arms of her Heavenly Father, and those same arms will hold you through this difficult time.

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  49. My baby girl Wylie passed away at nearly 30 weeks in May, and was born sleeping on May 23rd, our wedding anniversary. My heart feels like your heart. Thinking of you and your family and your beautiful little girl. <3

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  50. I am writing these words through tears. I am so very sorry for your loss, Casey. Can you even fathom all of those you have helped through your own brokenness? You are BRAVE, my friend. God is looking down and seeing how you are walking through all of this in His strength and He is enveloping you with His peace that passes all understanding. Love and prayers for you and you family.

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  51. May God blanket you and yours with His supernatural peace and give you strength, courage and hope to get through this very sad time. I am so very sad and so very sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you.

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  52. Two years ago you gave me words of love and encouragement when I told you I had had my second miscarriage. I really hope and pray that you and your family will find comfort after losing little Annabelle. It's a comfort to me to know we will someday meet our babies in heaven. God bless. :)

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  53. I am so sorry. God bless Little Annabelle.

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  54. It has taken me so long to even have the courage to read this post. We know loss in our family as well. After our son was born we had three miscarriages before God allowed our rainbow baby. We are now in the first few weeks of our first pregnancy since our rainbow baby. And it is bittersweet. I am so thankful that God has answered the many prayers for peace that have been spoken for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your journey and allowing Jesus to shine through both the good and the bad of your life. It is in our weakness that His strength is made perfect.

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  55. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. May God bless your family with comfort and peace through the coming days. Love and prayers for all of you!

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  56. I am so sorry for your loss, Casey and family.

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  57. I'm so very sorry for your loss, Casey. Every little life is so precious and dear to our hearts. I lost my sweet son Theodore last Monday... he was stillborn at 39 weeks. He was absolutely perfect from head to toe. My whole life feels upside down. I am so thankful that I know Theodore is safe in Jesus' arms... but oh, how I wish he was in my arms right now.

    Stillbirthday.com has been such a comfort and a resource for me - I just wanted to share it.

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  58. I am so so sorry, Casey. I can't even begin to comprehend what you must going through. Know that your in my heart and that Addison and Annabelle will never be forgotten. So much love to you!!

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  59. This is such a tragic loss but written so beautifully and honest. I'm praying for your family and hope that you find the strength to get through x

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  60. Oh, sweet Casey. Your words comforted me so much when we lost our baby 11 months ago. It's jarring to read that you're going through this again. I wish I could hold your hand and just cry with you. I can't, but there's something strangely beautiful (even within the heartbreak that can seem cruel sometimes) about our Father choosing you to carry Annabelle to Him. He didn't have to, but he made her in your and Chris' image. He gave you that time and knit her there. I have to believe that you are a special part of her for joy unimaginable down the road. Sending you hugs.

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  61. Thinking of you, wishing you well in this hard moment in life. You are a strong brave woman and an inspiration to me and many others.

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  62. Oh sweety ...
    I feel for your loss... I've been there. Both losing, and trying so so hard to get pregnant - but didn't.
    And I'm glad you can find some sort of peace, or healing in your faith. And what a beautiful name she has.
    Lots of love.

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  63. I am so sorry, Casey. You wrote this piece with so much beauty despite all you must be feeling. Much love!

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  64. Friend, so much of what you said here resonates deeply with my own heart. It's hard for some people to understand how deeply I cherished that 12-week life that lived inside of me before my Keller. How much it still aches after all these years. How every time we celebrate New Year's I think back to when I was alone in my bedroom sobbing to God. But life is oh so precious. And we should celebrate that. Love you so so much...and I am so sorry for the hurt you are facing yet again. May you feel God's comforting presence and know that He holds you in His strong hands. I love the name you chose for her!

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  65. There is a very strange peace and almost joy that comes after you've had a miscarriage. My first prayer to God as mine was happening (very graphically, when I woke up in the morning) was to not let me get bitter. To help me to still love other people's kids. I had 3 godchildren and was a children's ministry director at our church at the time, constantly holding and loving on other people's babies. You have two choices: bitterness or giving it to God and finding peace. I wrote this blog post close to the due date of our baby. I hope it will be healing for you. Feel free to grieve, take a blogging break, cry your guts out. But hold on to that little life and how you held it inside you, just as you are doing now!

    http://pastedreams.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/its-real-simple/

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  66. I am so sorry for your loss, Casey. God bless all of you.

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  67. I'm very sorry for your loss. As much pain as there is with loss, like you mentioned, it does bring comfort that we will be reunited. Take care.

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  68. Poor sweet girl. I send you all the love in the world.

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  69. Casey, you didn't have to at all, but thank you for inviting us in. It is an honor to pray with and for your family. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I really hesitate to send this but I keep thinking about it so do what you wish. A few weeks ago my pastor did a sermon on "do babies go to heaven?" It was beautiful. Based on David losing his baby son. He addressed miscarriage, stillborn babies, infants who pass away, mentally infant adults, and aborted babies. Again, it was a beautiful message. It's a bit long but here it is. http://media.colonial.org/Sermons/2014/06/15/am there is an audio version and a pdf of the transcript too

    You are loved!

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  70. So thankful we worship a God who promises we'll see our babies again and who also promises He will send the Comforter.

    "But we know these are
    Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
    It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored
    But when anything that's shattered
    Is laid before the Lord
    Just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed"

    (Unredeemed, Selah)

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  71. I'm so sorry Casey. Just a follower who's prayers you are in. Stay strong.
    Gabbi

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  72. Thank you so much for your honesty in your posts on your loss Casey. I just had a D&C with our firsts (twins!) last week and have been blessed to hear others stories that remind us our hope is in Christ and he is sovereign over our babies.

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  73. I am so sorry for your loss Casey. Like you said there are things we may not understand, but God does understand them completely and we can find rest in that.

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  74. My heart aches for you, beautiful Casey. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  75. This is a testimony that God is real and provides all the strength we need to face any sorrow. Thank you Casey for having a heart to receive his strength, hope and promises through a deep grief. I often think of Isaiah, "he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows" and he is for you now. Thank you for sharing the story of what Jesus is doing.

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  76. Im so very sorry for your loss. xo.

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  77. I miscarried at the same time as you. Tragic. Thank you for being so brave. You're an inspiration! Prayers for healing. <3

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  78. I was so shocked to see the news of your loss on Instagram, and I know I'm late to the game, but my prayers go out for you and your family. God always has a plan.

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  79. Hi Casey, I lost my 2nd baby three weeks ago. I was 11 wk 6 days, but baby had died at 7 wk 4 days. Then before that, this February we lost our baby at 10 wk, but baby had died at 6 wk. It is so hard to process. So hard to accept the heartache. So hard to believe it is true. I am so sorry you've experienced this, but I am so thankful you are open and sharing about it. My depression has surfaced and seems to overcome me, but I know that God is there, sovereign, with a plan, crying tears with me. It's hard to understand Him right now, but there is no doubt He is in control... and I am certainly not.

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  80. Oh Casey. So Sorry you has to endure this again. I read this a week or so ago but hadn't commented yet. I still remember breaking down talking to you talking about our babies at the first Influence Conf. I feel your pain, and at the same time feel your peace. My losses were at 18 and 9 weeks so many years ago back before I ever knew if I'd be able to carry a child to term. It was devastating. And then I had three loud beautiful kiddos. :) Redemption. Last summer. ..just one more time I experienced a very early loss and soon after redemption picked me back up again. And now we just had our fourth...little Wyatt Cash. I am so thankful for God's peace during those breaking moments. But will never forget the 3 babies whose little bodies I held. Our children are our children no matter what. Your stories of loss reach so so many, clearly. ..because so so many have lived through the heartache. Thankfully you share how God keeps you going...so that the many who haven't sensed his peace, have that opportunity to reach up for it. Love you girl. Always. ♡

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  81. Thanks for sharing! It's so important!! <3 love to u and your family!

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  82. You have me in tears. I'm sorry for everyone's loss.
    God Speed.

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