a new baby.

February 07, 2016

You know those moments when you can see so clearly backwards? or so clearly see God's goodness in a story? It terrifies me to share this today, I feel vulnerable and timid...yet, I have always felt led to share my story. To let God use my story for others to see Him at work, to see His goodness. 

For the past three years I have watched bellies grow, deliveries happen, babies grow and people move forward in time .... I have stayed still. I have stayed in a period of 3 years where I navigated through loss, confusion, heartache.... the isolating feeling of walking your story and walking it alone. As much as people love you and lift you up and embrace you and that means everything, you still are the  one walking it and its hard to fully communicate it. I hate the feeling of others feeling sad or awkward so I did a lot of soul searching and praying to the Lord. 

After our third miscarriage beginning of last year we decided to seek out answers, through tests and  God leading us through sweet doctors we were able to snag a diagnosis and the opportunity to hope again. "This could be our last try... God this story is yours and I am going to trust you know best.... write the story, its yours."

I had to trust that each step was Him leading me. and teaching me and stretching me and changing me. You know when you can look back and see God withholding something because He knew you would change along the way? I know I am a completely different person than I was when I started this blogging journey. I have been humbled and stripped away. My pride was exposed and wiped away. 

I have prayed so many times thanking God for protecting me even when I didn't realized how much I needed it, for being patient with me and for giving me the opportunity to become a better person. 

Heartache is a sucker punch, but as I start to walk out of a fog, I can look back and say " I get it now."

The image of me putting my arms out and free falling forward towards dreams of a last babe was present in my mind. I just couldn't shake that our family wasn't quite complete and He wasn't quite done with my story yet. I prayed and prayed for a word for 2016 and I kept hearing over and over Ephesians 3:20.
I kept hearing ABUNDANCE.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us."

Could it be Lord? 
Could I be hearing this correct? Is this what you have for me?

The day after Christmas I took a positive pregnant test. It was such a range of emotions- fear, tears, happiness, excitement, anxiousness. We went in right away for appointment after appointment, being monitored every step. 

Then around 7 weeks we went in for the first sonogram. Chris came with me and I sat in the waiting room trembling. With the past 3 losses the first sonogram went fine, it was the second where we would find out about our losses...but still the vulnerability and rawness in my heart had me shaking. The walk down the hall to the sonogram room seemed like an eternity. 

I looked at Chris before we went in and said," no matter what happens in there- we are still us when we walk out." 
I remember one of my best friends saying this and it has stayed with me. We will still be us on the other side. 

We saw a perfect little heartbeat and a sweet little babe that day. 

Then last week I was scheduled for our ten week sonogram to see if we could make it past that 9th week. Again I sat trembling. Chris and I sat in the car beforehand ... " Today I trust Him above trusting myself....if I trust His plan is better for me than no matter the outcome I feel peaceful today."

It felt like such a big day. This could be so much bigger than a loss, it could be the end of the road for  this journey. It felt so big and yet, I felt completely surrounded by peace. I kept going back to Ephesians 3:20- Lord show me! 

I have also been incredibly sick, having trouble keeping even liquids down this whole first trimester. I know what it feels like to do this ( this is the 7th time around) for weeks and weeks and end up with empty hands. It's a tough lonely road. 

I want to be open with my story, I want to be vulnerable with my feelings even when it feels embarrassing or vulnerable or scary. 

The thought of typing out about another loss seems incredibly overwhelming, sad, and scary... my pride wants to wait to share this news until way way later... but I can't shake the feeling I am supposed to share this story, its His story, not mine. 
No matter the outcome.

So here I sit today. Still unsure of what tomorrow holds for me or for this life...but I do see His goodness here. Hopeful this is my double rainbow. 

I am grateful for the opportunity to share it.