love & loss.

February 21, 2013

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I can see what people google to get to my blog in my analytics. I can see what they googled today, this week, this month and "overall".

Every single day someone googles "Casey Wiegand miscarriage" and "Casey Wiegand pregnancy after miscarriage". In my "overall" tab they are the top two most googled when searching for my blog.

I get the idea that maybe there are a lot of hurting mamas out there. 

A lot of mamas searching for answers. Searching for comfort. 
Mamas wanting to know why? 
Mamas wanting to know how I felt, maybe hoping that I wrote about feelings that they are just beginning to process. 

Mamas wanting to scream out in sadness.
Mamas wanting to tell their husbands that when you carry a life and it's there and then gone, a piece of your soul leaves. forever. 
Mamas wanting to tell everyone around them that they can't possibly imagine the pain.

Before I had a miscarriage, I thought about it as just that, a miscarriage. A child, a loss but I didn't identify with it as MY child.

After I had one I thought of it as my baby dying. 
When I called Chris from the sonogram room that heart wrenching day, those were the words that I barely whispered out, our baby died.

Still to this day nothing brings on the tears quicker then talking about that little one. I can give thanks for that loss now because it brought me Apple, who carries my heart & soul. Our rainbow baby. My sunshine.

But, I still lost a baby- and I am not sure any amount of time will ever make that sadness numb away. 

I had breakfast recently with a dear friend who is just beginning to process outloud her recent loss. I told her that at our new church on Wednesdays we are learning about heaven. And how everytime he begins to describe it I have to fight the tears back. Let me paint the scene for you.

There is a beautiful song playing. 

I am walking into the gates of heaven. 
My family is there, smiling, rejoicing. 
Chris and Aiden and Ainsleigh and Apple are all there. They run to me- there is hugging and crying.
Jesus is there, smiling and welcoming me.

And then. There is a tall boy. 18 years old, sandy blonde hair. big blue eyes.
As soon as we make eye contact he breaks into a gigantic smile and runs to me, "Mom!!!!"

I cry every time I picture it. 

And I think about how thankful that I am, that I will get the chance to know him one day.   photo PicMonkeyCollage2-1.jpg

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54 comments:

  1. my brother passed away when I was 9, he was six. He was a beautiful blonde haired little boy... I know he would have been a total stud ;)

    But I often wonder what he will look like when we meet again. I seem to still always picture him as a 6 year old, even though he would be celebrating his 21st birthday in a few months.


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  2. Casey, you are such a wonderful person <3

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  3. Beautiful words. The image of Heaven brings tears to my eyes too. Sharing your post over at Still Standing Magazine's facebook page too.

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  4. Casey, the picture you painted is so similar to the one I expect to see one day. I miscarried in 2010. I started to bleed. I wasn't going to be able to get into see the doctor until the next day. My husband and I got on Skype with our in-laws, and we all began to pray. God gave me a picture. It makes my stomach sink every time. I see a boy, 8 years old, climbing a ladder up towards the sky, up out of sight.
    At the time I didn't realize that God had given me the chance to see my son. That has touched my heart and soul and I look forward to the day I get to hold him in my arms. :)

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  5. thanks for posting this tonight. <3

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  6. You've just brought me uncontrollable tears.
    I wish I had your strength.
    xo

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  7. Thank you so much, Casey. I know you relive it every time you write about. We grieving mamas need other grieving mamas to work it through.

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  8. this is beautiful. it made me cry. thank you for sharing
    kw, ladies in navy

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  9. So beautiful. Thank you so much for opening your heart.

    Kelsey
    storiesofkel.blogspot.com

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  10. Amazing, beautiful post. My heart hurts for you x

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  11. beautifully written. ironically i wrote about something similar to link up <3

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  12. That was beautiful. I just had my first, & can't even imagine... One thing we believe in my church, is children who are miscarriaged are probably too good to have to experience this world, but everyone has to be flesh. So God loves them so much, he spares them the pain. But chooses the women because we were probably very close in the world before. My mom lost one, and that always helped her. You WILL be reunited. :)

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  13. such beautiful words, and a precious image of heaven.

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  14. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself, especially on your loss. My best friend just lost her baby around 18 weeks along and I literally find myself at a loss for words to comfort her. I hope one day she will come here and read your words and not feel as along.

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  15. This was so beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing. I just lost my sweet mom, and as hard as this all is to comprehend, I keep going back to my visions of her in heaven now, and rejoicing with all of our loved ones who are there with her, and that is such a beautiful thing. Thank you for reminding me of this. You have a beautiful heart.

    xo

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  16. Oh how our souls long for that day...
    I haven't experienced loss like that but I do imagine something similar...
    all the aborted babies..welcoming us into heaven. They have felt God;s fatherly love like no other.
    Oh it makes my heart ache in the best/worst way all at the same time.

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  17. Casey, your heart is so amazing. Thank you for being so open and loving. This is so beautiful

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  18. Wonderful how much your blog, and your words, help people everyday as demonstrated by those searches. I love all of your posts!

    somesnapshots.wordpress.com/

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  19. casey this is such a sweet post. we have lost four precious babies (but also been blessed with four who are here in our arms!) and thinking about them still brings tears to my eyes faster than anything else. my oldest daughter recently asked me if our other babies would be babies when we meet them in heaven, or if they're growing up there too... I didn't know what to say! we just hugged and I said we will know them when we see them <3

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  20. I have never had a miscarriage although I'm sure it is a horrible thing to go through, and reading your story I nearly cried just thinking how I would feel. You are an amazing inspiration to me and so many people! PS I love those photos and the blanket your baby is on. :)

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  21. Casey, you need to read "My Journey to Heaven" by Marv Bestemen and Lorilee Craker. It is like the Colton Burpo story, but better in my opinion. He has since passed. It only came out last year. It just gives such comfort to those who've lost someone and what this man's brief visit to Heaven entailed. He goes into beautiful detail about all of the babies he saw in heaven. I know it will bring you comfort. I wish I could pass you my kindle to let you read it.

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  22. Casey, I always said a miscarriage was something I could never imagine going through. And then I had one. I remember vividly the feeling of my heart about to explode from all the pain. I remember crying bitterly in my bed for days...and waking up in the middle of the night with swollen eyes, only to start all over again. I was mad at God. Mad at the nurses and doctors. I wanted to blame someone. And finally it sunk in, there is no one to blame. And slowly my tears became fewer and further between, until now. There is just an ache in my heart for that little one that I have yet to meet. And I'm pretty sure it will be forever until I meet my sweet baby in heaven. Thank you, friend, for being so open about a topic that rarely gets talked about.

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  23. Casey, your words have helped me bring comfort to one of my dearest friends, who is experiencing a second loss. I told her one day her children would be waiting for her in heaven and she would know them then, one day. As we cried together and prayed I thanked God that I had your words to help her, because I had none of my own, never having lost before. Thank you. <3

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  24. Yes. This. Thanks for writing about this. Thanks for talking about this still. Thanks for honoring your son, and in turn, my lost babies. Please keep talking about it, every now and then at least.

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  25. This is exactly how I feel. The tears would not stop flowing. The day we meet our baby in heaven will be so bittersweet. We will finally all be together and a complete family. Thank you for being a voice for our grief. Many blessings to you!

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  26. Beautiful! In my understanding of life after this one, not only will you get to see your baby, you will get to raise him! What a blessing!

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  27. Thank you for this post. I've had 3 miscarriages...I was reading in Nichole Nordeman's "Love Story" last night, and five words struck me so deeply. "Pregnancy! Blood. Anguish. Free Fall."

    You posted about your miscarriage about the same time I lost my second baby and someone pointed me to your blog. I've read Heaven is For Real, and the little boy describes seeing his older sister that he didn't even know he had because his mom had gone through a miscarriage. It's such a beautiful hope...and brings me to tears every time I think about it.

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  28. I can so relate to the "nothing brings tears faster ... ". Five years later and the mere thought of that sweet little angel stirs so much emotion in me. I never thought I would get over it, and I was right. A miscarriage isn't something you get over. It is a loss that you grieve that eventually finds its place, but it is never forgotten. So grateful for the two children I have here with me today and the one looking down on us from above. Thank you Casey.

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  29. I can't even begin to imagine... By far the biggest fear for me with all three of my pregnancies. Love the beautiful scene you described of Heaven. So touching. Have a blessed weekend, sweet friend!

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  30. Ahhhh....That is such a beautiful picture. Thank you for this.

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  31. This is so beautiful and touched me in so many ways.

    I imagine heaven to be a beautiful place where I get to greet my baby Amelia again.

    Baby Amelia died two and a half days after birth, this past August. I knew she would die, but made the choice to carry her. We bonded during that long and lonely pregnancy, and just when I finally got to meet her she was stolen from my arms.

    Blogging has helped me immensely. I don't hold back. The most popular searches on my blog too are about losing our baby. It was still so recent and it's still so raw, but it's been incredibly healing to talk about it.

    But the bottom line is we know families are forever, and what a blessed opportunity we will get to see our babies again! Whatever emptiness we feel in this life will be overcome with joy tenfold. xoxo

    http://delightedtobe.com/baby-amelias-story-anencephaly/

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  32. Wow. Beautiful and deep. I lost my very first pregnancy four years ago. Since then I have beel blessed with two beautiful children, a girl and a boy. With my first pregnancy I thought it was a boy. When I had my boy a year ago, I felt like I got a piece of myself back. I love him so much. I feel like he has met his brother that came before him but didn't get to be in this world. Loss is hard, and blessings are beautiful.

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  33. Hi Casey, thanks so much for this post. I was one of those women that googled "Casey Wiegand miscarriage" this week. I lost my baby on Saturday. I have followed your blog for a long time, I have read those posts...but I needed to read them again. It helped and I thank you. Thank you for sharing. Here is my blog address...where I also shared about loss. Hugs to you and thanks.

    www.pencilskirtsandnoodlenecklaces.com

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  34. My first pregnancy and then my fourth were miscarriages. I have three healthy beautiful babies, but two I lost. Although I know they're not lost - just like your description of heaven, I know they're just in a different place, a better place, waiting. Though it was too early to tell the gender of my two babies, for some reason I just know that the first was a girl and the second was a boy. I simply felt it. I knew it, just like I intuiitively knew what each of my children was. Thanks for sharing. It's easy to feel alone but comfort is found knowing you are not :)

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  35. thanks again for writing about the heartache we still go through. i have lost 3 pregnancies,4 babies and it will always hurt to some degree. reading your grief process has helped me grieve. thanks for sharing.

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  36. So many parts of this post finally make me feel validated after 8 months! Its like some one FINALLY gets me. After my ectopic over the summer I really felt as if no one understands. I still feel like they don't. Most of the time I suffer in silence. Even reading this I suffer thinking if I'm really a momma or if I'll ever really be one. I still get chocked up when I talk about our baby and all the dreams I had for him or her. I mourn the loss of what he or she could have been. I mourn the loss of my innocence. I worry I will never have the chance to have children. I wonder if I'm being punished for something. Thank you again for sharing something so deep and personal. it comforts me knowing I'm not alone.

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  37. my heart is tight in my throat.

    just over two months ago one of nieces passed away. she was just 4 years old. the pain is till so fresh but when I think about her in heaven the pain is bearable.

    and we can't till the day we all meet again in heaven.

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  38. Oh Casey, thank you so much for sharing this. It has me covered in goosebumps. I pray it will be in my heart the next time a friend shares with me the sorrow of her miscarriage.

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  39. this brought me to tears. thank you for sharing, casey.

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  40. Beautiful. Beautiful. I read some other comments, another woman said she saw her son on his way to heaven...Ive read others' images of children lost, they see them in a dream or a brief vision. I firmly believe those glimpse are gifts from God. I have my three babies, I lost my dad when I was young, I see him in my children and I love that. He died young, on a cool fall day and that day I stood at the window in shock and Heavenly Father gave me a glimpse of my dad standing next to Jesus, he was younger, he had his full head of curly dark hair and his blues were shining. I hold on to that, it was so not of this world or my imagination. It was so God. I love your dream of heaven Casey. I love that you share your experience so openly here, trusting Heavenly Father with your heart as you bare your pain without reserve and with a deep desire to love and encourage other momma's who have been through your experience. You are a sweet sweet fierce spirit.

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  41. I got here -- from Portugal -- because someone recommended me to. I had two miscarriages in the past 3 months. It’s an unbearable pain, and I’m in pieces. My heart is in pieces. My marriage is in pieces. No mother should be allowed to taste this once. What to say about the ones who taste it twice, like I did, or even more? I feel broken, I feel like a looser in what concerns to being a woman, I feel a mess. Everywhere I go I see women “hanging” their pregnancies, and nature stole both from me in the beginning of the second trimester. I still don’t know how I can deal with his healthily. Maybe one day I can. Maybe God will bring a beautiful and healthy baby to me soon, for me to let my two angels rest in peace. Right now, I just can’t. :-((((

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  42. When I found out I was pregnant for the first time I had stumbled across your blog and saw that you were also newly pregnant! It was exciting for me to read about your experiences since I was just two weeks behind you. I ended up reading your post about your miscarriage and, honestly, I was a little confused at how you could feel such an attachment to something you'd never seen and had only known about for a few weeks. It was about a month later that I miscarried. I was distraught and I felt broken. In my darkest hours I remembered you and your words so I decided to reread them. I was comforted by what you said and I now understood what it was like. It was because of you that I decided to write about my experience (http://www.twelvecountries.com/pry-into-our-lives/miscarriage/). That was the most therapeutic thing I could have done. My next pregnancy resulted in another miscarriage and I felt that God was out to get me. Through the love and prayers of my friends and family I have been able to be humbled by my experiences. Just yesterday, my husband and I found out that we have made it through the first trimester with our third pregnancy and we are thrilled (http://www.twelvecountries.com/pry-into-our-lives/emily-is-pregnant/). I have especially enjoyed your post about pregnancy after miscarriage and I find real comfort in your words. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences!

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  43. I was reading your post about the women who give gifts to Mama's who are going through loss in the hospital while I was sitting in the waiting room of my OB last year and feeling so sad for others and a little guilty to be sitting there 10 weeks pregnant and 20 minutes later that was me.....no heartbeat. I got pregnant again a couple months later, but it was an ectopic and I almost died. I was almost taken from the babies I have here, terrifying and another devastating loss. I count the weeks I am supposed to be, I see pregnant women at the grocery store and cry.....but I keep holding onto hope that my losses will be redeemed , like sweet Apple. And I await the day I will hold those precious babies of mine.

    All of us Mama's have your beautiful light Casey to make us strong as we wait. And our sweet babies have each other to play with until their Mama's come home to hold them :) Thank you for sharing your heart and light with all of us grieving mommies.

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  44. I also had a miscarriage after 5 years of infertility. I was beyond devastated and I also will never look at a miscarriage the same. It is truly a much bigger loss than I ever imagined. I prayed and prayed that God would redeem that child's loss through the blessing of another and He did. I was due on Oct. 29, 2011 with our lost baby and I found out 19 days before that, on Oct. 10th that I was pregnant again. We now have a baby girl named Hope that is 8 months old. I also find myself dreaming of meeting our other child someday in Heaven!

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  45. Have you ever read "Heaven is for Real"? I just read it and it was life changing for me to be able to visualize a little bit better what heaven will be like.

    Like you, I lost a baby 10 years ago, and to know that I will see him again when we all get to heaven comforts me greatly!

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  46. i'm a mom of a sweet almost 3 year old boy... in the past year and a half, we've lost 3 babies by miscarriage. it is heartbreaking and the only ones that truly understand are the others that have gone through the same sadness. thankfully, praise God... we have our rainbow baby due this July! SO excited. i pray for those mommas out there, hurting, and wanting their own rainbow baby that their prayers would be answered soon too. love reading your blog.

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  47. Wow, did this post hit home. I am still in the process of miscarrying... I, too, went to my 12 week ultrasound thinking everything was going splendidly only to find that the baby had passed. We had seen the heartbeat 3 times already - how did this happen, and WHY?

    I, too, was alone for this ultrasound and they scurried me to a room to wait for the doctor to come in and talk to me. I waited for an eternity while I called my husband (also named Chris) and sobbed exactly what you wrote - "our baby died." It was the worst moment of my life. And I had no capacity to understand it until I lived it.

    Your post completely resonated with me and I can't thank you enough for talking about it... putting it out there. You are helping more women than you know.

    God Bless.

    Melissa

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  48. Your description of meeting your baby in Heaven brought me to tears. I have lost one baby at 17 weeks pregnant, and another at 7 weeks. I have one miracle baby, Christian Reid Makana - Makana is Hawaiian for "gift." He is our gift from God. I know that we will meet those babies one day. Thank you for sharing your loss so publicly. -Amber

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  49. I lost my baby this week--it was my first pregnancy, my husband & I were over the moon. And in between these raw emotions I am experiencing I find peace in seeing my baby one day. I can't tell you how many times I have pictured the reunion. Thanks for sharing your story, during a time when your closest loved ones avoid you because "sorry" just isn't enough, it's nice to know I am not alone in this trial. All of our stories are different but our pain is the same. Thank you again.

    xo,
    B

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